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Original poster

Why would I be sent a wedding invite when I've already agreed with Bride that I can't attend?

136 replies

RollnRock · 21/04/2024 17:27

My niece, who lives in Ireland, is getting married in the summer.
As I'm living in the UK, she messaged me a couple of months ago to ask if I would be able to attend.
I said I couldn't as my husband, who is a teacher, couldn't get time off as the wedding is on a Friday during term time.
I could have attended with our kids but it would have cost over £2k just for the weekend (flights, car hire,hotel, food, not including present).
We are travelling to Ireland a few weeks after the wedding so I said we would see them then.

This week I have received an invite to the wedding in the post which has puzzled me.
Why would they send this when we've already told them that we can't attend?

OP posts:
NoNameisGoodEnough · 21/04/2024 20:37

Etiquette/politeness/she forgot you had the conversation about not attending in the busyness of all the preparations.

fromaytobe · 21/04/2024 20:40

It is politeness and good manners.

Years ago, ex and I really upset a very elderly distant aunt of his - we already knew she was too frail and lived too far away to attend our wedding, and ex PILs said not to bother inviting her. She was really sad and upset that she didn't get an invitation, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to go, and I would urge people not to make the same mistake we did.

MyLovelyPurse · 21/04/2024 22:48

OP, lots of people have taken the time to give you their opinion on this thread. The agreement on here is that your niece is being friendly and polite. That’s reassuring. Isn’t it?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Normandy144 · 21/04/2024 23:03

I think this post just highlights the importance of a paper invitation and the etiquette involved in inviting people to an event, which is all too often lost these days with online, phone, email or even WhatsApp invitations. Just because you have had a conversation doesn't mean that things haven't changed. Your niece clearly values your presence and so has formally invited you. You just now need to formally decline.

TheSandgroper · 22/04/2024 01:00

I invited all my dad’s family. Cos, you know, it’s polite, we love them, we were thinking of them etc.

If any of them turned up, I would have been up shit creek looking for accommodation, a seat a table etc.

But they still received an invitation.

IcyLilacPoet · 22/04/2024 08:22

fromaytobe · 21/04/2024 20:40

It is politeness and good manners.

Years ago, ex and I really upset a very elderly distant aunt of his - we already knew she was too frail and lived too far away to attend our wedding, and ex PILs said not to bother inviting her. She was really sad and upset that she didn't get an invitation, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to go, and I would urge people not to make the same mistake we did.

Edited

I agree. My mother was thrilled to get a lovely invitation to my daughter's wedding, even though we all knew she was not well enough to travel. She kept it on her mantlepiece for months and would tell all her carers about it 💕 It's been replaced by wedding photos now.

Original poster
RollnRock · 22/04/2024 13:05

Runnerduck34 · 21/04/2024 17:40

Politeness and a formailty.
She would like you to attend, knows you probably can't but circumstances can change. Inviting you to indicate she would like you included.
Just send a regret card.
And in reponse to pp if was my niece I'd buy a wedding present regardless of attendance.

I was planning on giving a present anyway when we meet up.
Just wondering what is a reasonable amount in these circumstances?
(People only do cash in Irish weddings)

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 22/04/2024 13:12

I have seen enough threads on here bemoaning not getting an invite to something (hen do or whatever) even when the OP has already told the host that they aren’t free, that I would definitely send an invite to avoid accidental offence

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2024 13:25

Etiquette and manners.

In keeping you now formally respond.

LemonyFace · 22/04/2024 13:35

This would be a normal thing to do in Ireland where I live. It's to let you know she'd like you there and to give you a chance to rsvp formally. Plus, with all the threads on here about people who don't get invitations I'm surprised this is an issue for you.
Re cash, I'd probably give €200 to my niece - but appreciate that's a lot.

Runnerduck34 · 22/04/2024 13:36

That's a how long is a piece of string OP!
I'd probably do £100 but everyone is different.

duckduckgo13 · 22/04/2024 15:49

It's polite to still send an invitation even if someone can't attend, if you have sent a save the date. Just decline formally.

WappityWabbit · 22/04/2024 15:51

I recommend somewhere in the region of €200 would be reasonable as you’re not attending. I think €100 would be noticed…

MyLovelyPurse · 22/04/2024 19:39

I don’t think OP is coming back

MyLovelyPurse · 22/04/2024 19:40

Really sorry OP I missed your earlier response

GrannyRose15 · 26/04/2024 20:28

Because it’s the polite thing to do. The next polite action is for you to officially decline the invitation. Just say you regret you won’t be able to attend and leave it at that. No further explanation is needed.

SoSBeingAMumIsHard · 26/04/2024 21:14

Because she so happy planning her wedding. Your attendance or decline is low on her mind. She has a list. You were on it. It was super unimportant to remove you. Just RSVP No. Her guest numbers will reflect who is attending.

In the most polite way.... she wasn't thinking about you. She had 100 of the exact conversations she had with you.

TheWhiteCakePendleton · 26/04/2024 21:30

It's politeness, as many have said. I think it's nice.

My nephew knows my family can't travel to his wedding later this year, but I still love him and am excited for him and have their beautiful invitation on our shelf. We can't be there in person but we'll be thinking of him on the day, raising a glass, looking forward to the photographs etc. We are not completely written out of this important day in his life because practicalities prevent us being there in person on the day.

Sheezus · 26/04/2024 21:34

It's being polite. Just so you don't feel left out.
Nothing to do with wanting a gift, I'm Irish, we don't expect gifts just from an invitation. Also, the bride and groom will probably be on honeymoon when you travel anyway. Literally just them being polite.

SabreIsMyFave · 26/04/2024 21:37

But why send an invitation to someone who has already clearly stated they are not going?! Utter waste of time (and waste of an invitation!)

Daft. Confused

ThisIsMyRubbishUsername · 26/04/2024 21:39

I would think it would be for politeness so you weren’t left out and incase you changed your mind about attending. It’s so you can officially decline rather than basing you declining on a past informal conversation.
It would have been worse if your circumstances had changed and you didn’t receive one.

flippinhecknotagain · 26/04/2024 22:10

SabreIsMyFave · 21/04/2024 17:42
So you have made plans to go travelling to Ireland a few weeks after her wedding? But couldn't arrange the trip over the time your niece had her wedding?
WTAF? Why did you not just go for the wedding? I'd be pissed off if I were your niece and would go very low contact with you ..

I presume you're not for real?
But why post just to upset OP? #weird

Ukrainebaby23 · 26/04/2024 22:22

Circumstances can change I my mind it would be 'send her the invite anyway as I'd love it if she could attend and I wouldn't want xxx to think we had ignored her'.

thisisasurvivor · 26/04/2024 22:28

WappityWabbit · 22/04/2024 15:51

I recommend somewhere in the region of €200 would be reasonable as you’re not attending. I think €100 would be noticed…

I'm. A generous gift giver but this is crazy

Why so much?
I'm not tight in any way but that's a bit much?

Nanof8 · 26/04/2024 23:24

I sent wedding invites to people that I was sure wouldn't be able attend out of courtesy. Such as friends and family that lived in another country. Plus maybe she thought you might like a keepsake.
One of my overseas friends surprised me by being able to attend.
Just send back your rsvp with your official answer.

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