An open letter from an exhausted teacher

[TeacherAnonymous123]

Hi all, a new account made for this but a long time lurker and commenter.

I know that the vast majority of parents are supportive of schools and teachers, but after my day today I need to say something.

You are not your child's friend. You are their parent. We have been asked to tell a child to go to bed at a reasonable hour (by their mum) as when she asked, they were 'unpleasant' to her.

I am not paid to parent your child. I am not here to teach them how to tell the time at 13 years old, or tell a 15 year old to go to bed before 4am.

Please teach them boundaries and respect and how to act around people in authority. We are at breaking point and are struggling as it is.

I'll happily hear the other side of the situation, but please - parent your children.

Do you think this has got more common OP? A couple of teacher friends of mine says it’s really risen over the last 15 years.

@theduchessofspork definitely gotten more common. I teach secondary and have a regular analogue clock in my room. Today, I said I was stopping them at '5 past' and more than one said 'I don't know when that is'. I had to say it was when the big hand was on the 1!

It seems (and I'm happy to be told I'm wrong) that lots of parents don't want to upset/anger their children with consequences and feel threatened when their children say no or ignore them, so just...don't do anything about it.

So true! The kids can have lots of friends but only one set of parents.

Sorry to hear about your experience. I got good advice from Dr Green's book "Toddler Taming ". As advised, I pull my rank when everything else fails. My children are now teenagers and so do get annoyed when I say "Because mums says so". But they do listen. Their attitude to learning is consistently marked "Good " or "Outstanding ". Never "Requires Improvement " (or whatever is the term, I have never seen it in their school reports).

YANBU. It's ridiculous. My kids know we are in charge and that we'd back the school to the hilt if they were in trouble there.

I agree with this, although DD is only 5 so and your post seems aimed at older children.

It does seem that children aren't able to cope well with being uncomfortable and don't seem to have the same resilience, obviously its all about balance but I believe there are times when you just have to get on with it or be "told-off"

DD has the attention span of a gnat and we are dealing with some issues with her demanding attention when we are around other people but I wouldn't dream of asking a teacher to intervene unless its directly related to school.

What do you think has caused these changes OP, do you think social media has any impact (both to the parents and the kids)

You are probably addressing the wrong crowd here, and will get lots of responses saying 'i agree, I always make my kids behave' and similar

I work in education and I totally agree.

The child-led parenting advice of last twenty odd years has so much to answer for. Parents misinterpret it as doing and giving in to ‘whatever the child wants’ but they forget about their responsibility to set boundaries and discipline appropriately.

Even on MN you see posters agitated at the mere suggestion of discipline. It is doing children and society great harm.

I assume you told the parent it was her responsibility before posting on here? Sadly those parents live among us and have feck all control over their kids. I sometimes think I'm too harsh on my boys then read this sort of stuff and realise I'm raising two respectful young lads.

You’re clearly preaching to the converted. Maybe your school could send a letter out.

Totally agree OP. So many parents are scared to actually say no to their kids. But the kids themselves love saying no to their parents!

Good reasons for it though. People have so little control over much of their lives that they lack or have lost confidence in themselves and their decisions. A hostile world means people don't want to risk angering anyone, even their own kids. And many are so overworked and stressed that they just don't have the energy or motivation to say 'no' occasionally.

And we all want to be loved.

It's not the same everywhere though. My kids were born and raised in France and child led parenting doesn't seem to have ever been a real thing here. Obviously some kids here are still gits, but I taught in HE for 25 years and only very occasionally had total arses. And not more now than at the beginning.

If they put in the ground work when they're younger it's much easier when they're teens.

And I'm not sure why you think people have little control over their lives?

Giving into your kids doesn't make then love you more...it means they're more likely to disrespect you.

I teach post-16. I kid you not, if it is a timed task, I draw a clock on the board with the hands pointing at the end time. I cannot believe so many of them cannot tell the time on an analogue clock.

I agree re going to bed and non SEN for time telling.
(Though I feel obliged to say my dyspraxic-dyslexic 19yo is still flaky on time telling despite hours of effort over the last 14years or do. It just doesn't stick.)

As OP said, it’s about wanting to be your child’s friend.I think there’s also the issue of parents not being able to deal with making their child unhappy and treating offspring as a very precious thing that is theirs and no one else may discipline, even at school or granny’s. I’m sure being short of time makes it worse though, it’s so much easier to just give in.

We have analogue clocks all over our house. I bet most people don't however. For many it will be taught in y3/4 and never practiced again.

Its interesting the assumption is that its child led parenting to blame for the ‘decline in standards.’

It tends to be poverty that is the biggest contributor to behaviour problems: that and poor literacy skills.

100% agree. I had a child in my class recently whose mum used to send him in with notes each morning along the lines of: 'He bit me last night, please tell him off'. She wouldn't do it herself as she said - at age 6 - he didn't listen to her. I've got plenty more examples up to age 11. Shocking.

I still teach them how to read a clock at secondary level, too!

OP, fully agree with your post.

Parents need to get a handle on so many things

• social media age
• social media streaming time
• gaming time
• bedtime
• doing up shoes and ties (I kid you not with the former)
• appropriate language for different situations
• actual aspirations
• using a bin
• shared responsibility
• sharing
• appropriate times to talk and to listen

so many more.

But parenting is an art that starts before birth and so many don't seem to see the huge influence little things early on have on the big things when they're teens and beyond.

People don't have the emotional maturity to take charge and parent properly now. They act like adolescents themselves until they're 35 then become petulant, impatient and entitled adults as they head into middle age. I had someone the other day tell me that a 27 year old couldn't be expected to have maturity and empathy when I pointed out the lack of it which was causing problems for her. And this 27 year old is married and trying to start a family.

Why is everyone (not everyone, obviously, but, you know.....) so pathetic and sentimental over their offspring? Get a dog if that's what you're into. Children and young people need discipline and training. In fact, train your dog as well seeing as that's gone out of the window too. People are wet.

(waits for all the hysterical hyperbolists to accuse me of literal child abuse 🙄)

The advent of social media started it and it’s risen exponentially since. I remember, as a head of year, before 2010, being advised of an altercation between a couple of girls in the PE department. At the end of the lesson, because I was teaching, I went to find out what had happened, but was waylaid by the irate parent of one of the girls demanding to know “Watcha gonna do about it”. One girl had phoned her dad immediately.

It’s so much worse now too. If you don't have expectations for your child’s behaviour, it’s not surprising that they believe they can please themselves.

Did you also relay this back to the parent in question? Hopefully.

Plus we are instructed not to tell students there will be 'consequences' for any incident of bad behaviour, lack of effort etc. It's all restorative. Students are asked if they are happy to be moved into a different group when teachers want to break up unproductive friendship groups in a class. Who has the power?