An open letter from an exhausted teacher

[TeacherAnonymous123]

Hi all, a new account made for this but a long time lurker and commenter.

I know that the vast majority of parents are supportive of schools and teachers, but after my day today I need to say something.

You are not your child's friend. You are their parent. We have been asked to tell a child to go to bed at a reasonable hour (by their mum) as when she asked, they were 'unpleasant' to her.

I am not paid to parent your child. I am not here to teach them how to tell the time at 13 years old, or tell a 15 year old to go to bed before 4am.

Please teach them boundaries and respect and how to act around people in authority. We are at breaking point and are struggling as it is.

I'll happily hear the other side of the situation, but please - parent your children.

We lived in a hole in t road and shared one pair of shoes berween five of us. Walked 5 miles to school and still had respect.

Agree re most of what you've posted op but if a 13 yo can't tell the time I'd say that's a sign there's possibly some unidentified send issue going on.

@Sunquest really not necessary to mock. I imagine you think you're clever. Children do not necessarily behave badly due to poverty.

I'm going against the grain here a little.

I think school ansolutely should be the place for life lessons including the biological need to sleep. not on an individual basis but as part of phse ir mentor sessions.

The worst behaved child in my current class has 2 lawyer parents. More often than not I find the middle class children to be the rudest and most self-centred. It's not the income that makes them rude or badly behaved. It's the entitled attitude that means they can't take responsibility for how their behaviour effects others and their parents can't see how arguing against the school leads to the decline in their child's behaviour. The usual cause is over-indulgent parenting.

Abigail Shriers book Bad Therapy covers this to some degree - she calls the recent trend in parenting 'therapeutic parenting'. I'm also planning in listening to the new book by Jonathan Haidt, Anxious Generation (i think it's called)

No, not everything is a SEN issue. Most children aren't taught by their parents how to tell the time, they haven't been bought a watch or a cardboard teaching clock. It is lazy parents not default SEN.

@Gettingonmygoat I said possibly a sign of Sen.

Anyway they're taught at school, so maybe it's shit teaching that's the issue there...

The book is not a critique on therapeutic parenting. She argues the trend towards pathologising ordinary emotions and ordinary behaviour leads to poor mental health outcomes. Or at least is one factor.

Therapeutic parenting is neither lazy and wooly, or "gentle parenting" boundaries are key to the approach because 'emotional containment' is essential for the child so that they grow up with an integrated sense of self, secure attachments and ability to regulate their own emotions and behaviour.

Dear teacher, please stop using your mobile in class. Telling a bunch of 7 year olds that they’re “losers” and “the worst class you have ever taught “ upsets them. Making promises on a daily basis then breaking them upsets the kids. Oh and actually, I think you should teach the kids to tell the time

I'm not sure if children/teens really use analogue clocks now- we don't have one in our house. My oldest two (13+) can tell the time but my nearly 11 year old struggles.

Is it lazy parenting if they can tell the time all be it with a digital clock?

I agree with your other points.

I teach in a secondary school. There is a correlation between deprivation and behaviour, at times. However, we are seeing a real increase in children from middle class homes with behavioural issues. Their parents are often very confrontational when it comes to school, don’t feel the school can impose sanctions and are reluctant to enforce boundaries at home for fear of reprisal. This breeds poor behaviour and it certainly isn’t only children from deprived backgrounds.

This is exactly the wrong attitude and proves the OP’s point. Telling the time is a life skill, it should be taught at home, and it certainly shouldn’t need to be on the maths curriculum past primary school.

These posts tend to do nothing but reinforce a divisive narrative between teachers and parents (and bring out the perfect parents brigade). Some parents (far from all) do not have any boundaries for their kids. But I read this and assume that teachers judge parents for every little thing a kid does wrong.

Also, if a kid can't read an analogue clock by the time they're 13, I'd be worried about the quality of teaching they'd had. I mean, I was taught to read a clock at school back in the 80s and I'm fairly sure no one would have blamed my parents back then if I couldn't tell the time by the end of primary school.

There are posts here regularly about teachers feeling like they get blamed for everything. Now, it seems like everything is the fault of the parents. It's way more complicated than that, obviously.

It’s a tricky one.
I think we’re in a bit of a Wild West situation when it comes to children.
Unregulated internet (parental controls are only as good as your child’s friend’s), lack of consequences (local academy - same punishment for violence in school and swearing in school).
Teenagers are often raising themselves and turning to each other for validation, cutting off parents when they try to (shock horror) parent their teens.

I feel for teachers massively, but I think children and parents are equally struggling with today’s societal situation.
Children with SN are routinely let down in schools (not necessarily the fault of teachers, but still a big cause of teacher/parent/child relationship breakdown of trust.
Bullying is routinely not dealt with effectively, again, breakdown of trust.
Certain boundaries and safeguards have been dropped in schools which leaves vulnerable children susceptible to ideological grooming which strips parents of any authority they may once have had.
Schools routinely treat struggling children and parents as incompetent and deliberately keeping their child off school for spurious reasons (anxiety related school refusal), and for approaching school for support or when a child has suspected SN.
When parents, struggling with their child, are treated as if they are crap parents with no idea how to raise a child and support them through school, at some point it must be expected that some parents will reach a point of defeat that they then refer some issues to the school.

The system is broken for everyone involved. It’s as hard for pupils as it is teachers. Children do well if they can.

I find your post offensive.

I am not here to teach them how to tell the time at 13 years old.

My child has left school and cannot tell the time and probably will never be able to. I asked every single teacher they ever had to support them with this. Not because I’m lazy, have no boundaries or cannot be bothered and all the other labels some parents get, but because not telling the time meant countless detentions for not being on time, taking too long in the toilet etc.

Things move on though. Digital time telling, using a calculator. Using the internet instead of encyclopedias. I'm not sure it matters really. I remember a maths teacher saying you won't always have a calculator with you, well actually I do, on my phone.

Funny to read this today after my conversation last night. My 8 year old told me yesterday my job was to make sure she's happy. That apparently is what her friends were all discussing at break. I told her my job is to keep her safe and loved and to grow into a responsible adult. Of course I want her to be happy but not at the expense of my other responsibilities. So yes she still has to sort her room out the books away and pick up the toys even if she's happy living in it like that.

Can you provide a source for this research please in respect to poverty

I only ever wanted my kids to be happy.

No its not - telling the time is on the national curriculum for maths so if teenagers cant read an analogue clock that is the fault of the school. There are plenty of areas where parents need to step up but if it is on the national curriculum and the pupils don't know it that is a failure of teachers.

I'm really surprised so many kids can't tell time! Allowing for SEND it's something they ought to have been taught. I work in early years and have a toy clock and we play with that looking at the numbers and the hands. My visual timetable has an analogue clock next to it. When I have after school kids asking when mum is coming I show them on the clock. Never had a non send kid not pick it up/know it before finishing primary

Read my post again.

I’m saying that it SHOULDN’T need to be on the national curriculum, not that it isn’t.

Happiness seems like I good objective to me when it come to raising beautiful humans!

I'm a nursery teacher and at the last parent meetings I was saying things like
*YouTube isn't suitable for 3 year olds, there is plenty of good programming on Cbeebies.
*Your 4 year old needs to be toilet trained
*Children need to hear the word no
*Even if they don't speak English they should know not to hit adults and damage toys
*Your child needs to be able to feed and dress themselves

I also had to have some tricky discussions about just how behind their children where. Thankfully some have taken this on board and already started to make changes.

Things I see on a daily basis?
Kids running away into the road, climbing the railings, unsafe behaviour- parents tolerating it
Kids hitting parents, siblings, babies (even staff). Parents not batting an eyelid
Parents arriving on the phone and not acknowledging their child or immediately handing child the phone.
Tantrums over not getting what they want straight away.
Parents falling over themselves to give them it to shut them up.
Children refusing to leave nursery and parents at a loss of what to do
Children unable to play with peers without hitting, snatching, crying, demanding