An open letter from an exhausted teacher

[TeacherAnonymous123]

Hi all, a new account made for this but a long time lurker and commenter.

I know that the vast majority of parents are supportive of schools and teachers, but after my day today I need to say something.

You are not your child's friend. You are their parent. We have been asked to tell a child to go to bed at a reasonable hour (by their mum) as when she asked, they were 'unpleasant' to her.

I am not paid to parent your child. I am not here to teach them how to tell the time at 13 years old, or tell a 15 year old to go to bed before 4am.

Please teach them boundaries and respect and how to act around people in authority. We are at breaking point and are struggling as it is.

I'll happily hear the other side of the situation, but please - parent your children.

Years ago poverty didn't mean poor skills and manners.

You could be poor and still chew with your mouth closed.

You could be poor and still wait your turn to talk.

You could be poor and not leave rubbish lying around for the cleaners "because it's their job".

Many poor people would take pride in themselves.

This is poor parenting, not monetary poverty. It's also spread across the whole spectrum of society.

I agree with most of what you say but you do realise there are people out there who have ND conditions that mean they can’t and will never be able to tell the time from an analogue clock.

At 16-18, when our goal is to prepare them for the world of work, I am not alone in thinking that putting a Cause for Celebration onto the online records that a student arrived promptly for a lesson or, indeed, actually turned up for a lesson is sending the wrong message. In my 50 years of work, I do not recall my employer ever thanking me for arriving at work on time. I do recall several employees becoming ex-employees because they were persistently late or frequently absent. It's really not surprising that they think they can please themselves. And when it all goes wrong, it's someone else's fault.

In my 30s and dyslexic. Can't read an analogue clock easily. My primary aged DC is better than me.

I have two degrees though so other academics have been fine. Just an example :)

The bar for behaviour and abilities is way too low now. I agree with the pp that rewarding normal, expected behaviour sends the wrong message out. It's so weak and dismal and employers certainly won't do it. Ffs, they'll be expecting rewards and recognition just for breathing next.

Oh, it did.

Do you think leaving rubbish for the cleaner ‘because it’s their job’ is recent? It isn’t.

there are also lots more exhausted parents both working full time maybe that has also had an impact.

I'd agree with pretty well everything you say but if they can't tell the time by an analogue clock I think you should be having a word with your colleagues in the maths department to be honest....

This has always been the case since I've been teaching. I remember very clearly 20 years ago, in my first year of teaching, I phoned a parent to say her daughter's behaviour wasn't acceptable, and the poor mum burst into tears and said "I know, she's the same at home, and I don't know what to do about it!"

Parenting is so difficult, especially these days. There's so much conflicting advice, very little of which seems to have much evidence behind it, and most of which seems to be monetised in some way. Even schools are becoming increasingly polarised in their approaches to discipline.

Stats show that we appear to be spending far more time with our children than decades ago...

Agree with the PP who said it is much easier to instil boundaries when they are little. I would much rather have a battle with a 3 year old than a 14 Yr old! So that's exactly what I did. I don't believe DD is perfect but she understands consequences, correct behaviour and that we are her parents not her friends, we will often make decisions that she doesn't like/agree with but at the end of the day our job is to make sure she becomes a fully functioning person. It isn't about being her best friend, she has her own friends for that.

Gosh what a load of nonsense. I'm sorry you're feeling burnt out OP but that is probably the result of underfunding and overcrowded classrooms.

This current crop of teenagers has experienced the decimation of early years provision, any kind of youth service, and community libraries. They are functioning in a digital world that their parents' generation and therefore society at large simply doesn't understand. They were denied normal social contact for nigh-on 2 years in their crucial developmental years due to the pandemic. They are now not allowed to do normal things like work experience because of insurance, and it's almost impossible to get a Saturday job until they're 16. There is nowhere they are allowed to just exist without getting moved on or accused of anti-social behaviour. What you are noticing is the huge effect that SOCIETY has on the socialisation of children and what happens when that society is starved of cash, resources, and education, not a fault in individual parents.

If parents struggle, children struggle. And parents have struggled because there is zero investment in helping them not to struggle in this country or in telling young people that they are actually valuable.

I teach Y10-13 & during tests I've resorted to putting a countdown timer on the interactive whiteboard because I was writing the start and finish times on the board (as they will have in the exam hall) but they kept calling out (another bugbear) and asking how long they had left because they couldn't look at the analogue clock on the wall and work it out for themselves

Maybe analogue clocks have had their day? Isn't everything digital these days? I don't think this is indicative of the world going to hell in a handcart. If the test is not actually about telling the time on an analogue clockface then providing a digital clock to read - as you have done - is the correct response to this surely?

Totally agree many don't teach children and put the responsibility onto others then they wonder where bad behaviours come from. Our 4 are home taught and just this week our 13 year old got skit because he did a full Sunday roast yet half of his friends have no idea how to even do a boiled egg or microwave meal

Can't people learn analogue and digital? I mean, I know it's radical, but I managed it and I'm ND and absolutely abysmal at maths.

A child will not stop loving a decent parent, just because they told them no!

I would love to make DD's teachers at her first school understand the impact their bullying has had on her education.

DD is adopted, and has been diagnosed with PTSD and various other conditions. When I tried to make her first primary aware of her needs I was told I need to understand that 'you are her parent not her friend'. Their approach was purely punishment/ reward, and blame the parents when it didn't work. Despite all the evidence that this approach doesn't work.

As her parent I was trying to make her teachers aware that she shuts down when feeling unsafe. That isn't being 'disrespectful ', she is not able to respond. The more you criticise and shame her for a survival response the less she is able to comply.

She was never threatening, she began to self-harm instead. And that was a cause for punishment, because it 'wasn't fair' on the teacher and other children.

Thankfully we got a place at a school that had a very different approach, and after several years recovering she is now thriving. She has become a star pupil for how positive she is, and what she has overcome. They have been genuine partners with me in meeting her needs.

Feel free to issue an open letter to parents. Are you open to the parents you are addressing issuing a letter in response?

Many parents are totally incapable of saying no to their kids. A student I teach constantly argues about any sanctions. His parents always support him and try to get sanctions dropped. It is so bad for their child. They are also struggling with him and he is rude and challenging at home. They are completely incapable of holding the line and are sowing so much trouble for the future.

Unfortunately there have always been useless parents and probably always will be. In the olden days when I used to teach I had parents ask me if I could give their child a ‘good smack’! I agree with PP’s a lot of problems with behaviour begin when boundaries are not put in place with young children. I had parents telling me about their child’s ‘cute’ (bad) behaviour.I used to say what you find cute at five certainly won’t be cute when the child is twelve.

I hate these open letters.

However, ignoring that, if you think that this post is going to get through to the sort of parents that don’t parent their children, then teaching has taught you nothing. The problems in these families are deep rooted.

I work on a supermarket checkout and you wouldn’t believe the amount of pathetic parents who ask me to tell their child they can’t have that chocolate bar/packet of crisps etc they are holding. I just ask the child to hand me the item and I put it aside, I leave it to the parent to tell the child they can’t have the item.

These idiots really seem to be afraid of their own children.

Makes the children grow up so much less lovable adults though.

Parent.

So many social media posts with heavily filtered mother and small child captioned 'my best friend' (#making memories etc). Says it all.

I agree wholeheartedly that it’s getting worse by the year. Ditto with children not being able to think for themselves at all.

Just this week I have had:

• a parent email to ask can we get her son to wear his glasses because he needs to but doesn’t like them.
• a parent email to ask can we tell her daughter she has to go and look for her PE kit before she comes home because mum forgot to tell her.
• a parent emailing me to ask can I go with her 12 year old at break to look for his water bottle because ‘he has already looked’ and can’t find it and she doesn’t want to buy another one. With an added ‘things are labelled so how can they just disappear?’ The school has 1400 students!
• a parent ask me can she have my number for when her son leaves school in a few weeks because he listens to me and not her

We don’t have time to deal with all the things that ARE our responsibility. I always always respond to parents, but with exams to conduct this week I’m afraid parents 1, 2 and 3 didn’t get a response and will have to manage the issues themselves.