Why does this man keep contacting me?

[Sandwichblock]

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels a bit off.

I know him because I've been training with him and others for a physical challenge, although we aren't doing the challenge together (his is the week after mine).

Our little band has become quite close and we've done a few social things together as a group too.

We have a group chat, which is pretty active and generally speaking, if I need to contact any of the married men, I do it via the group. There's nothing that the group shouldn't see and it avoids any misunderstandings. I'm a widow and find people sometimes look for misunderstandings!

Anyway, he's married and 20 years younger than me. Nice chap, very interesting, busy life, lots of friends, we rarely go anywhere without him bumping into someone he knows.

He's quite active on the group chat. I don't know what he's like with other members privately, but he's started contacting me often, a few times a week, just to ask how I am, how my training is, or to follow up on something we chatted about.

Nothing "wrong" as such, but I'm not accustomed to young men contacting me for no reason. What's going on?

He's mid.30s, I'm mid 50s, the rest of the group ranges from early 40s to late 50s, about 50% men and women.

Oh and I should have mentioned the actual reason for my post!. He's offered my son some casual work with his company and I can't work out if he's just being nice/needs some help or if this is another way of ingratiating himself. I'm embarrassed to be thinking that way, but as I said, something feels off

Just me who thinks it's odd then? 🤣

I think it’s odd. I’d ignore.

At the moment you are suspicious because it is out of your comfort zone. You could go along with it a bit further and see whether he is just a friendly soul or if there’s more to it. Then cross that bridge when you come to it.

Personally I wouldn't respond to his private messages to avoid any sort of unwanted drama down the line.

I can't just not reply, I see him three times a week and often chat in the group.

Is he married?

Sounds like he may fancy you! I’d just be very curt and matter of fact with your answers and be polite but cool when in person. That way nothing can be misconstrued.

Yes, he is married. I don't think he fancies me at all.

He had a tough childhood and his mother has had a very tough life and is now very ill. He has huge admiration for her as a very strong woman, but she doesn't live locally.

If there's anything going on, it's more likely to be something connected to that I think. A mixture of wanting to take care of me (as a widowed mother) and looking for a mother figure, maybe.

Or he could just be friendly, or an outright scammer!

Always trust your gut. And you absolutely can just not reply.

Yes, but is my gut telling me this is something I haven't experienced before or that somethings actually wrong?

The offer of work for DS could make a huge difference to him, following his father's death.

He sounds like a nice guy to be honest. Sometimes you can just click with someone in a friendship way? And you said he has lots of friends.

If he's been part of this group for a while, I'd think he was genuine.

Yes, he keeps telling people I'm "quality" or "a lovely lady". These are not things people normally say about me. I mean, I don't think I'm disliked, but people don't go out of their way to say how wonderful I am.

He sounds like a nice person - he may well be in contact with several other people in your group. He has lots of friends so presumably is quite used to being in contact with lots of people!

It's a difficult one. It seems very possible that this guy is just friendly. Maybe he feels a particular benevolence towards you and wants to look out for you? (even if that is a bit misplaced). Perhaps he messages lots of other people in the groups individually too because he loves this training group and is very invested in it? Or perhaps he is a perv? I don't know.

But I don't think you need to be worried about individual contact per se. From your post I think you would be alert enough to anything dodgy or inappropriate. If that became the case, then that would be something to deal with at the time. But as it is, I would not worry too much. Take him as you find him.

There's not cause for concern yet I'd say, reply as you wish. Your mindful if the situation changes.

Yes, I think I'll see it, if it becomes something else, but this man is offering DS what appears to be a good opportunity, and he needs something good to happen after an awful few years, but he's also very vulnerable and I really don't know what to do about the offer

Sounds like your instincts are doing their job, but could also be because this feels new and unexpected (the reaching out/ being liked) I've had it with a people both inside and outside of work, felt suspicious of motives but it's turned out to be just genuine niceness (and that people like me - after tough few years, who knew?).

I would take the kindness but stay alert for it any signs of straying into rogue territory. Perhaps buy a plant and a costa voucher for him and his wife to say thank you for the opportunity for your son, makes it very 'above board' and acknowledges/includes both families?

He fancies you!

Not a huge deal as long as he doesn’t overstep the mark. And if he is offering your son an opportunity, that would suit him, l would pursue it.

Well, just because you choose to only message individual group members on the main group chat doesn’t mean he does similarly — personally I would always message privately if it wasn’t relevant to the whole group, as the e-noise is irritating if it’s essentially a private message for someone else. If nothing in the content of these messages gives you cause for concern, or if his continual messaging isn’t irritating you, I wouldn’t have an issue.

Why do you assume that? I help people who are part of my group without fancying them!

Yes, it was an assumption. Gut feeling! We were asked for our thoughts. I also said l didn’t see it as a huge deal. And yes, l fancy people too!

Overthinking. People just like attention. More particularly, some men like attention from women.

He may just be a nice person ! I mean if a 30 year old contacted me I'd be fairly sure it wasn't because they fancied me given the age gap. So I guess I'd assume it was for good reasons (kindness etc). But I don't know what why your spidey sense is on high alert !

I don't for a minute think he fancies me. He compares me to his mum much more than his wife. "Oh you like xyz, my mum does too".

Maybe that's what makes it weird? Most men who contact me, apart from long standing friends, would be testing the water. But if its not that, why?