Why does this man keep contacting me?

[Sandwichblock]

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels a bit off.

I know him because I've been training with him and others for a physical challenge, although we aren't doing the challenge together (his is the week after mine).

Our little band has become quite close and we've done a few social things together as a group too.

We have a group chat, which is pretty active and generally speaking, if I need to contact any of the married men, I do it via the group. There's nothing that the group shouldn't see and it avoids any misunderstandings. I'm a widow and find people sometimes look for misunderstandings!

Anyway, he's married and 20 years younger than me. Nice chap, very interesting, busy life, lots of friends, we rarely go anywhere without him bumping into someone he knows.

He's quite active on the group chat. I don't know what he's like with other members privately, but he's started contacting me often, a few times a week, just to ask how I am, how my training is, or to follow up on something we chatted about.

Nothing "wrong" as such, but I'm not accustomed to young men contacting me for no reason. What's going on?

He's mid.30s, I'm mid 50s, the rest of the group ranges from early 40s to late 50s, about 50% men and women.

I think DS will be OK actually. If he feels uncomfortable, he'll just refuse to go.

I guess I'm wondering more what the intentions are more than what will actually happen. That's useful, thank you.

How old is your son? And in what way is he vulnerable?

It is really hard because I have so often found men's intentions not to be genuine. However there must be some genuine guys out there?? How would you feel if he was a woman doing the same?

I would give him a chance but be very careful not to say or do anything that could be misconstrued. If things start to look off back away quickly.

Maybe he identifies with your son, and wants to help him through a tough patch as he had a tough time in his youth. Lots of nice people have this reaction to people they don't know well. If they see a pattern they recognise that they could help ease, they step up.

If the work would help your son, go for it. I don't believe in assuming the world is fully of schemers and users. That's no way to move through life. If he does anything dodgy or manipulative, you and your son back off immediately. Until then, I'd assume he's just quite an open person.

A quick way to check if a friendly charming man is truly nice is to look at his wife. If she seems tense or withdrawn or pissed off all the time, then he could be Jekyll and Hyde. If she seems confident and happy, that's a good sign.

He's 21 and essentially has had a nervous breakdown (I'm aware that's not a technical term), is a broken man and a shadow of his former self.

Then it sounds as if there's no downside?

I mean, obviously I can't know about anyone's 'intentions', far less a complete stranger being discussed on the internet. I'm just very aware from my own life (very poor background, Oxford-educated, moved around a lot internationally, do something people generally consider interesting for a living) that while I am an absolutely ordinary person, and am completely ordinary in the context of my friends, in some contexts I am considered very unusual. I once lived somewhere where people thought I was literally unbelievable, and I only realised years later than people had actually been looking me up online, presumably to check whether I 'checked out'. It was pretty disconcerting.

I haven't met his wife, although it has occurred to me she must be some sort of saint. She's pregnant with a toddler and he's never at home. He speaks very highly of her though, and she has just been away for a weekend, which meant he wasn't available for training, so some give and take.

I think he probably is a genuine person, who wants to help and his past means he has very strong values. I also wonder if that makes me ridiculously naive.

I also bumped I to him once when he was taking his DD to a class, which was adorable 🙂

I don't think it's chin wagging exactly. Very early on he told the story you can find in the news. It really is unbelievable and also not the sort of thing you'd normally tell people you barely know. People mostly assumed it was nonsense. I wanted to know more because it's a very interesting story and looked it up.

It sounds a bit like narcissistic behaviour. He tells the story to establish his higher social value, knowing people will go Google it and be impressed. That makes it easier for him to establish contact afterwards because he assumes everyone will want to be associated with him. I have a friend who's very similar and she loves namedropping or telling "pick me" anecdotes to new people so they know she's more special than an average person. She IS quite successful and has been interviewed in the papers, appeared on TV etc so it's not delusional behaviour. However it's a bit cringy that she must let everyone know about it during their first meeting, a lot like this man here.

It's not a story that puts him (his family, he was a child) in a good light.

I suppose it's impossible to tell if he's a genuinely nice thoughtful guy or not but apart from your gut instinct (that's there for a reason), he hasn't really given you any basis to not take him at face value.
Does your son want to act on the opportunity he's been offered?

Yes, or at least he wants to explore it, and that in itself is wonderful, it's the first time he's said yes to anyhting in ages.

@Sandwichblock all I'm going to say is, trust your gut instinct.

The reason people get themselves in stupid situations is because they ignored the funny little feeling they had (or sometimes never had it) in the first place.

"Oh, so and so was such a nice person, looking back it seemed too good to be true". Well, that's because it was, Sheila!

Haven’t you posted about this before? Could it be you want him to fancy you? It doesn’t sound like he does, just friends.

Yes, or at least he wants to explore it, and that in itself is wonderful, it's the first time he's said yes to anyhting in ages*.

Well that's positive for your son!

I've got more than enough problems. No thank you, to adding a married man 20 years my junior, who may or may not be after my money!

Hmm. I've read the full thread now. I think he is one of two types.

The good version is those men who are deeply into self-help. They thrive on physical challenges, getting tables in restaurants, handing out compliments to others and seeking connections with everyone, not just their peers. If you've read a lot of self-help material (I have) this is all advice given to encourage people to live fully, be open and positive and brave.

The sinister version is the manipulator who butters you up with compliments, inveigles their way into a group by mirroring its members' likes and beliefs. Then uses you - borrows money, encourages investment, turns up at all hours with crises for you to sort etc.

Just be ultra-mindful of any of the second type of behaviour. If for example he says your son is stellar and should be a co-director of the company, he just needs you to invest X amount, you need to say no and be up front with DS that if this happens, he should be watchful that the man isn't a bit of a player. Let your son know that when you invest money in him, it will be in him directly, not someone else's company, so his own self-worth doesn't get tied up in any manipulations.

I am sorry for your son. What an awful time he has had. But his core self, prior to all the trauma, is, from what you describe, brave and energised and focused. He will get that back. And to do it, he needs to start somewhere. This may or may not be the opportunity but maybe it's the prompt he needs to start exploring what he might want to do, longer term.

The sinister version is the manipulator who butters you up with compliments, inveigles their way into a group by mirroring its members' likes and beliefs. Then uses you - borrows money, encourages investment, turns up at all hours with crises for you to sort etc.

I agree - I knew someone like this, seemed lovely and very complimentary, very driven, accomplished (according to him) got along with everyone. Also had a sob story. He seemed to befriend a lot of older people and would carry out favours for them but it turned out he actually was a pathological liar and master manipulator. I think he cozied up to people to see what he could get out of them, he was a classic covert narcissist. Just be careful and listen to your gut. I didn’t and I wish I had.

Yes and this is why it feels off, that is exactly his behaviour. Except he hasn't asked anything of anyone and is very free with favours and cash himself. He's offered to pick me up from the airport (declined), he's always first to buy a round of drinks, the offer of work, he's given much more than he's taken, up to now.

To be honest @Sandwichblock , I think you answered your question in your first post. You said something like "He can't go anywhere without bumping into someone he knows"

You don't end up being that person without taking an interest in people and actively cultivating friendships with them individually.

I know a few people like that, and they have various reasons behind it. My Dad is insecure and has a desperate need to be liked, so works really hard on forming friendships with everyone he meets.

Whereas DPs best friend is autistic and happily states people are her special interest. She remembers so much stuff about everyone and it's effortless. When my Mum was terminally ill she'd text and ask me how various appointments had gone, and I'd have no clue because I'd forgotten my mother had one that day. She's absolutely lovely and very caring but it does feel sometimes like she's collecting people.

He's offered to pick me up from the airport (declined), he's always first to buy a round of drinks, the offer of work, he's given much more than he's taken, up to now

See, I find that so strange - he barely knows you and has a wife and child and is offering randoms (no offence) lifts from the airport. I wonder what his wife thinks of this behaviour? It is classic narc behaviour - they want Joe public to think they’re wonderful and are very concerned with their public image but are often nasty and neglectful of their own families.

I’d be very wary - if something/someone seems too good to be true it usually is. People on here saying “oh, he just sounds like a genuine, nice guy” have never come across these types. They often tell stories that are so fantastical everyone assumes they must be true. But often the lies are very well thought out and intricate. They have a story/answer for everything.

Don’t get involved is my advice. Or if you think your son will benefit from the job offer tell him your concerns upfront so he’s aware of requests for investment arise. The one I knew had lots of “investors” in his company. Which then went bust.

So, in summary, there is a very unusual man who:-

1. Is successful in his own right (provable)
2. Has had an unusual life (also provable)
3. Is community minded, does things seemingly for the greater good.
4. Speaks highly of his wife (doesn't hide anything about being married)
5. Seems to he engaged with his own children (albeit with a busy career / life)
6. Has never given you any reason not to trust him
7. Is offering you what outwardly appears to be an orpportimunity for your son (not enough information to know whether it is an amazing opportunity or not, but these people don't grow on trees as the thread has established).

You don't trust him for no tangible reason other than he is unusually nice (again understandable given that these men are in short supply it seems).

Have I missed anything?

No, that's exactly it. I'm afraid I'm of the if it's too good to be true .... school.

He's a bloke

Wants to shag you

(it's usually not more complicated than that)

Do you need to actually make a decision? Surely there are ways of probing further? If he's that much of a nice guy, I doubt he would mind (and I think you said before, he might even expect) you to do a bit more due diligence?

Maybe just be honest and say something like "I'm quite stunned about all this, it isn't usual (for me), are you able to talk me through more detail as I can't help feeling a little like this is all too good to be true and you'll understand that I need to protect myself / my son?"