Why does this man keep contacting me?

[Sandwichblock]

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels a bit off.

I know him because I've been training with him and others for a physical challenge, although we aren't doing the challenge together (his is the week after mine).

Our little band has become quite close and we've done a few social things together as a group too.

We have a group chat, which is pretty active and generally speaking, if I need to contact any of the married men, I do it via the group. There's nothing that the group shouldn't see and it avoids any misunderstandings. I'm a widow and find people sometimes look for misunderstandings!

Anyway, he's married and 20 years younger than me. Nice chap, very interesting, busy life, lots of friends, we rarely go anywhere without him bumping into someone he knows.

He's quite active on the group chat. I don't know what he's like with other members privately, but he's started contacting me often, a few times a week, just to ask how I am, how my training is, or to follow up on something we chatted about.

Nothing "wrong" as such, but I'm not accustomed to young men contacting me for no reason. What's going on?

He's mid.30s, I'm mid 50s, the rest of the group ranges from early 40s to late 50s, about 50% men and women.

Do you have to make any sort of decision now? He may be a nice guy and it's all harmless. As long as you are cautious, anything nefarious will get exposed eventually.

Also, if you wanted to test the water, you could reply in the group chat, or when the group is together. Something like "oh, Fred, you know you mentioned about that help for...." when others are in earshot. Then you have cover.

I think he's after friendship nothing more. If he's had a tough life, and his mum's ill that's something most of his peers won't have experienced.

He's offered your son work, that's not something he'd do if he was after an affair.

I think he's looking for an Auntie type figure in his life or something like that. Are you happy with that?

It's more that if he is someone who will target vulnerable people (which let's face it I am too, or at might be seen to be), I want DS well away from him.

I don't think he's after an affair, I'm more concerned that he's working some sort of scam

It could well be that he thought of you when the opportunity for your DS popped up, and didn’t want to go straight into business chat, so decided to message you some platitudes first? Would the opportunity for DS also benefit him? Because he might not have wanted to seem like he was only contacting you to get something from you.

Is there anyone else in the group you get on well with that you can trust? If you see them regularly then you could maybe ask for their thoughts seeing as they know him too.

edited for typos

What exactly has he offered your son? If it is work, as long as it is a proper wage, with tax / NI paid, then it is likely to be above board. I would raise an eyebrow if it is some sort of zero hours contract.

You could look his company up at Companies House too if you want a bit more background.

No, it was the other way round, we were talking about what a tough time DS has had ( which he sucked me into by talking about his own difficult youth) and he offered to find him some work to see if that helps DS back on his feet.

The rest of the group is much more long standing and yes, there are people I count as very good friends. We've only known this man for c. 4 months and he's very quickly become one of the gang. He's very likable, but there's something about him that makes you wonder how much of what he says is true, mainly because if it is all true, he's had a very interesting and far from average life. Others have said the same.

DS has a job but isn't getting a lot of hours. He's offered some casual work in his downtime, with potential for an apprenticeship if it goes well on both sides.

Yes, I've checked companies house. The company definitely exists, is very successful and he is the owner, assuming I have the right name. And this is what bothers me, why am I wondering if he's given me his real name?

Ok that’s interesting - I think what you’re dealing with here is someone who is maybe quite insecure and overcompensates to try to build relationships quickly. This would also link to him seemingly having so many “friends” when you’re all out and about.

It wouldn’t mean he’s a bad person, just perhaps a little too reliant on positive feedback from others to keep his own self esteem high.

Interesting about building friendships quickly because he moved schools a lot, in very challenging circumstances.

I don't think he has low self esteem. He has an amazing self belief. Thinks he can achieve anyhting, then sets about doing it.

The truth will always out in the end. It would be a shame to miss an opportunity because you judged someone based on how you have been treated in the past.

I wouldn't tie yourself to this rando through your son in case he has weird intentions. Don't think the age gap would put him off anything.

Is this work experience while your ds is at school or college? If so run it past the teacher in charge. Then you can tell friendly man the school is involved.
If it’s a genuine offer of work experience, his company is legit, your ds is happy to do it then I’d go ahead.
Was friendly man’s mum widowed? Maybe his interest harks back to that.

I’d see how it goes and if it turns inappropriate put in your telling off face and tell him so.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

I mean this gently hut as you are early widowed, could he just be being kind?

She wasn't widowed no, but dad wasn't around.

DS isn't as young as he sounds! His life kind of stopped during covid and then with his dad's illness and death and hasn't re-started.

What I mean is, it sounds like you are overly cautious. Why is that?

When I read your first post, I thought he fancies you. Some young men fantasise about older women. Sadly I know from OLD experience!

Anyway after reading all your posts I'd say, absolutely go with your gut! You're at an age where you "know" when something is not right.

There's a young girl at my work who tells the most outrageous stories the other couple of women are agog. I'm just so amazed that they believe the shit she tells them!

In your case though, others have picked up on it. Do not let your son near him and just don't answer his texts, or answer them on the shared group. He'll get the message.

Could he be offering your DS a mentorship because he feels your DS is experiencing similar to what he went through? Maybe someone helped him when he was young and he's now in a position to help the next person, pass it on, as they say. People can genuinely be altruistic.

I'd be watchful of course, but it may truly be your friend recognising that he can make a difference to your DS's life.

How old is your DS? Are his vulnerabilities due to current circumstances or does he have needs unrelated to that? That might change my mind.

I don't think I am with most people. I'm certainly aware that I could be a target, as a financially stable, youngish widow, but haven't really found that to be the case, and generally treat people as trustworthy until they prove otherwise.

I don't know, there's just "something", but it could just be that he's usually nice and interesting.

I'm so sorry jane but this post genuinely made me laugh out loud.

Yeah 30 year old men are renowned for "being kind" to middle aged women. :)

I'm guessing you're not middle-aged?

Yeah this. ^ Maybe it's me being a suspicious untrusting old gimmer. who has been shit on plenty of times by people, and had various men trying it on (even with my husband in the room!)

This is all giving me the collywobbles. He sounds creepy and his behaviour is very inappropriate. I would be blocking him from on your phone @Sandwichblock . So you won't see him in the group whatsapp. Probably a good thing.

This thread is bizarre. Not only do you suspect a man who has never said or done anything whatsoever to suggest he feels anything other than an ordinary friendliness, purely because he chooses to message you individually rather than clutter a group chat with messages to an individual (which a lot of groups have rules against!), but you think his friendliness with the entire sports group is suspect, that he may be lying about his life because it’s ’not ordinary’ (whatever that means) AND you looked up his company to see if he’s trying to scam your adult son by offering him a work opportunity…?

Others have picked up on the fact that his stories sound unbelievable, but then they are repeatedly proven to be true, like the unfeasibly successful company, registered at Companies House. One of the stories from his childhood is Goggleable etc.

This. ^ 😆 The only time men are 'kind' to widows (who are often very solvent) is when they are after their money.