Why does this man keep contacting me?

[Sandwichblock]

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels a bit off.

I know him because I've been training with him and others for a physical challenge, although we aren't doing the challenge together (his is the week after mine).

Our little band has become quite close and we've done a few social things together as a group too.

We have a group chat, which is pretty active and generally speaking, if I need to contact any of the married men, I do it via the group. There's nothing that the group shouldn't see and it avoids any misunderstandings. I'm a widow and find people sometimes look for misunderstandings!

Anyway, he's married and 20 years younger than me. Nice chap, very interesting, busy life, lots of friends, we rarely go anywhere without him bumping into someone he knows.

He's quite active on the group chat. I don't know what he's like with other members privately, but he's started contacting me often, a few times a week, just to ask how I am, how my training is, or to follow up on something we chatted about.

Nothing "wrong" as such, but I'm not accustomed to young men contacting me for no reason. What's going on?

He's mid.30s, I'm mid 50s, the rest of the group ranges from early 40s to late 50s, about 50% men and women.

I think some of you may need to stop basing your knowledge of the works on bad soaps…

Yes, definitely, his own story makes him want to help youngsters and he's done it before (according to him).

DS is a broken man. He used to be up for anything and very independent, couldn't be led into anything he didn't want to do, very sure of his ambitions, even if no one else wanted to go his way, but has retreated right inside himself. I'm also concerned that he might not do himself justice if I push for this opportunity.

Are you having a laugh. My comment is based on fact. You are breathtakingly naive if you think men don't go after women (especially widows) for their money.

I'd look up any company offering me work. Surely that's just normal.

Of course you should. People like @PollySolo have got a lot to learn and a lot of nasty shocks coming their way.

I think your gut instinct is correct. He seems to be "grooming" you in order to gain access to your son for some kind of business or work-related scam. It's exactly the same way women target vulnerable single mums or SAHMs for MLMs. He realised that you have an adult son in a somewhat difficult position and he's trying to gain your trust so you will encourage your son to partner with him.

There are huge numbers of men in their 30s involved with dubious get rich quick schemes such as crypto, AI, SEO, affiliate marketing, passive income etc. Most sound legit on the surface and could be hidden behind genuine registered companies or start-ups. However the driving force behind it is to make as much money as possible with as little effort as possible.

This man could have become a successful entrepreneur through dodgy means and have a company that does well on paper. However it doesn't guarantee he has your son's best interests at heart. People like this always need to recruit new employees who they can manipulate to do things that they won't question too much. If he has a friendly relationship with the mum then that person is more likely to do what he says without questioning it too much.

It's best not to get your son involved with this man. The other worst case scenario is if he does try to seduce you, your son is stuck in the middle as leverage. So nothing will end well.

Nothing the OP says suggests she is rich. On the other hand, this bizarre little group seem to have turned into private detectives and have ‘repeatedly proven’ his stories, and looked up the existence of his successful company -+ there is literally zero evidence he’s trying to scam or milk the OP, or entrap her son in something. I wonder how he would feel if he discovered that a newish group whose company he clearly values are getting together to discuss and check up on anything he says about himself. It all sounds unbelievably small-minded and insular.

Our evidence is based on history of men being fucking weirdos. You're being naive.

@PollySolo You do you.

And let the sensible, and well-lived posters, with a lot of life-experience, carry on giving OUR ADVICE, and opinions, and warnings to the OP, based on what we know, and have seen other women experience.

Quit telling people what to post, and picking apart peoples posts and attacking their character, because YOU don't agree with them. I'm not engaging with you on this thread anymore.

.

👏

If he's genuine, he'd surely be pleased to find out a vulnerable(ish) woman was taking sensible precautions. And actually, I think he probably would.

Exactly. You would be extremely foolish and naive to not look into this man.

Our evidence is based on history of men being fucking weirdos. You're being naive.

Not just men sadly. Vulnerable people are always the target for the scum of society.

It's great that some posters believe in the best of people but it's always best to be diligent. As you get older you realise this, mostly unfortunately from experience!

I wonder how he would feel if he discovered that a newish group whose company he clearly values are getting together to discuss and check up on anything he says about himself. It all sounds unbelievably small-minded and insular.

Quite the opposite, we know lots of people who are genuinely successful similar to the man OP is describing. They are married, run businesses, take part in sports etc. It would be ENTIRELY out of character for any of these incredibly busy men to start messaging a single acquaintance out of a new group of people through the kindness of his own heart. That is simply not how adult friendships work. There is definitely some sort of ulterior motive, whether it's because he fancies older women, addicted to texting/flirting with women in general (not uncommon) or he wants to recruit OP's son for some sort of scheme.

That is true. But posters are talking about dodgy weirdo men, as this is a man the OP is referring to. This isn't about dodgy weirdo women (of which there are way fewer than dodgy weirdo men anyway.)

@PollySolo

I wonder how he would feel if he discovered that a newish group whose company he clearly values are getting together to discuss and check up on anything he says about himself. It all sounds unbelievably small-minded and insular.

@ButteryBiscuitVase

Quite the opposite, we know lots of people who are genuinely successful similar to the man OP is describing. They are married, run businesses, take part in sports etc. It would be ENTIRELY out of character for any of these incredibly busy men to start messaging a single acquaintance out of a new group of people through the kindness of his own heart.

That is simply not how adult friendships work. There is definitely some sort of ulterior motive, whether it's because he fancies older women, addicted to texting/flirting with women in general (not uncommon) or he wants to recruit OP's son for some sort of scheme.

100% this. It all sounds very suspicious, and the OP needs to tread very carefully. I would be blocking him frankly. Also, I don't think pollysolo knows the meaning of the word 'insular' somehow!

On face value he could be an incredible role model for your son, but I do totally get your reservations, and at a similar age to you, I trust my gut

There you go, then -- he sounds like a decent person, and you're taking sensible precautions?

I do think it all sounds a bit mad, though, if the entire group seems to be regularly chinwagging about this man potentially being some kind of liar and scam artist, when all the 'investigations' appear to show he is who he says he is, and he has done literally nothing wrong, other than be friendly, apparently to everyone in the group, not just the OP.

All he appears to have done 'wrong' is message her one to one, which I would do automatically do with someone I knew from a group, because there's nothing more irritating seeing you have messages, assuming there's something about a training time change or something, only to find its two members having an essentially private exchange which could just as easily be off the group.

If I were you, I'd trust my gut. He's clearly bothering your subconscious thoughts so dont het involved further by getting your son involved with him.

Yes, this is why I'm so torn. It could be amazing, one of those stokes of luck that is life changing. I know in my career, I've had some luck and some good people reaching out to support me, and life would be very different if I hadn't taken those opportunities.

And yet this is pretty much how I met one of my closest male friends, though the WhatsApp group in question is for our children's sport club, not our own. He's the founder of a highly successful architectural practice, busy, successful, does an extreme sport at elite level, somewhat younger than I am, divorced with three children while I am married, but we get on very well, and go hillwalking and climbing together, with and without the children. No one has scammed or seduced anyone.

Sounds like a nice person, let your son take the job. It's sad that these days any kind thoughts are assumed to be deceptive. There are nice people out there.

I don't think it's chin wagging exactly. Very early on he told the story you can find in the news. It really is unbelievable and also not the sort of thing you'd normally tell people you barely know. People mostly assumed it was nonsense. I wanted to know more because it's a very interesting story and looked it up.

Since then he's had numerous stories, nothing ordinary ever seems to happen to him, and we laugh affectionately at that (often with him). A lot of what he says feels like it should be untrue, but isn't.

He's a special kind of person, makes decisions like lightening and makes things happen. Whether that's getting a table in a fully booked restaurant or entering a crazy physical challenge.

Probably it all feels unusual because he's an unusual person and that may or may not be a good thing.

With respect, OP, your son sounds as if he's not in a great place. Will he have to give up anything he currently does to take up the opportunity your training group friend is offering? If not, what's the risk, really, as you've checked the company exists and is successful? Or do you think he's that vulnerable?

Yes, I do think busy, successful people seem to find the time and energy for the little things, that more ordinary people don't