CF allotment thief part 3: The ‘plot’ thickens and auditions begin for the west end musical

[YaMuvva]

Just creating one now before t’other fills up. Will post updates when I have them

Last thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5048540-cf-allotment-thief-part-2-the-battle-of-barbara-and-the-beansprouts?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Well, I have some theories to add to this story.

You see, Babs has no choice but to guard that "plot" of land. The reason behind her being so very upset at possibly losing it has to do with "the statute of limitations". You see, dear MNers, once upon a time, about ten years ago, Babs was married. He was a gentleman named Percival, quite wealthy and successful, but also quite cross, impatient and rude who enjoyed a good curse-fest. He cursed at the cat, the postman, his wife and even the grocery deliveryman. One day, he was so cross and crabby, he told Babs he had had enough! He was done! He was going to divorce her and move to Malta with a young woman he had met when she had helped him up after he had stumbled leaving the neighborhood pub. Quite besotted with her beauty and the fact that she could help him up when he was a trifle or two overweight, Percival was quite attracted to her biceps, shapely legs and pecs.
Well, Babs was flabbergasted, fibber-Mac geed and ANGRY! Babs had not been this angry since they discontinued her favorite yogurt down at Sainsbury! As Percival went to fix himself his fourth drink of the day, at 11 a.m., Babs went to the freezer, removed the 6 pound leg of lamb that she had been saving for the holidays and cracked poor Percival over the head with it a dozen times! Babs got her mind back as quick as she had lost it and looked aghast at what she had done. IN her panic and horror, she did the only thing she could think of; call her friend Stella! Stella hurried over, after stopping in her garage for a wheelbarrow. They hoisted Percival up and into the wheelbarrow and took him back to Stella's garage.
After a couple of days, whilst poor Percival was ripening in the garage, Stella and Babs came up with a plan. That night, while the village slept, Babs and Stella wheeled poor Percival down to Stella's garden plot. There, under the full moon, they dug down as far as they could. They rolled poor Percival's body down into his final resting place.
The next day, Stella saw her one neighbor, a man who seemed to enjoy owning a lot of stuff and told him he was free to use her garage if he needed to store some items. The neighbor jumped at the chance to see what color his living room carpet was and thanked "dear Stella". Stella, of course, was glad to have her garage filled to not only hide the lingering odor of decomposition but to give her and her friend deniable plausibility.
The last complication Babs and Stella needed to solve was how to keep poor Percival from ever being noticed or dug up. So far, the story of Percival absconding with his money and the young woman to Malta was holding, but would it last? How could they keep nosy neighbors and police from checking out Stella's extra piece of land?

Finally, they had it! A no-fail plan to keep their secret safe forever! Thanks to the Royal Mail, they knew their plan was foolproof! That day, Stella and Babs went to Pecivals new "home away from home" with several bags of potting soil and a few plants.
They proceeded to plant a garden right on top of Percival; which was funny in itself, as Percival hated flowers and plants. They planted:
Dwarf Milkwort
Downey Woundwort
Marsh Saxifrage
Upright Splurge
Deptford Pink
Plymouth Pear
Round-headed Leek
and even
Lady's Slipper Orchid

It was a long, hard day, but Stella and Babs knew they had done it. The perfect crime! Sure, they could have put Percival in the back garden and put in a patio, but these ladies are wily and complex thinkers. After all, it is against the law to dig up endangered plants!
To be doubly safe though, in case anyone got nosy, Stella told Babs that she was now "in charge" of the little plot of land. Babs takes her role quite seriously and protects it with the vim and vigor of a woman twice her age. Babs enjoy sitting in her chair at the plot, thinking of poor Percival, enjoying her coffee and imagining what Chanel purse is next on her shopping list.

Then, along came these upstarts! Threatening every thing Babs and Stella had sweated and spent for! The inhumanity (and pesky statute of limitations!) could foil them after all! Oh no!

The saga continues!

The allotments are used at night by a private dogging club, Babs is the secretary & is worried about losing the income from members.

The allotments are used at night by a private dogging club, Babs is the secretary & is worried about losing the income from members.

I hope it gets stretched out for several more threads until we see OP and her DH sitting on chairs on THEIR land.

Funny, you seem to be trying to put a dig at OP for a new thread, yet, here you are, reading it. You DO know that reading threads is an optional activity?

I envision a drama-thriller, like Rocky Horror Picture Show. A murder mystery with vegetables, plants and Babs defending her illegal land use with tomatoes and rotten pumpkins.

Edited to add: Songs from ABBA will be used, remade with appropriate lyrics, along with the Beach Boys, Bette Midler and Harry Styles.

i love the idea of the mumsnet references…

There could be a dead wasp on the windowsill and DH throws his wine at the freshly painted wall after accusations of flirting with Sharon at number 1.

OP’s husband could be “doing T -Rex” in the garden centre buying seeds.

OP could scream at the shed when a photo of her and DH gazing in wonder at the Sistine chapel is unveiled then when DH scolds her she could snap and fart. I bet there is the opportunity to incorporate many more in.

Someone should definitely do this, I imagine there are enough people who would recognise the references for it to be worthwhile 😂.

OP

Glinner might write a good script for this. I know you have discounted Sean Ben but really you do need him in this, even if it is only to call someone a bastard and then die.

I can’t find the first instalment and it’s driving me crackers!

Babs obviously dosent want her lovely big garden 'spoilt' by vegetables. Im looking forward to the West End Show! I hope your husband starts to heal while tending his land. It is the best thing in the world x

I don't care how many threads. I want them to go on, with all the fun and serious remarks, until OP and her DH get their property back and show us all pics!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5047820-hows-this-for-a-whole-new-level-of-cheeky-fuckery-someone-has-token-our-allotment

Did you raise any queries about the allotment that would have alerted the seller to the fact that it was part of the sale? Or say anything to the estate agent once you discovered the fact that an allotment was part of the sale.

It doesn’t make any difference to you now owning the land, I’m just still falling down on the side of this being a misunderstanding rather than malevolent. People are saying Barbara will have seen the for sale sign but she may well have looked at the advert and seen that the allotment wasn’t mentioned. Which could conceivably have given her the impression it wasn’t part of the sale. Or she may have also thought it was a council plot and not had any sense that it was related to the sale at all.

After reading the content of all the OP's threads I am reminded of the thread some while ago about the OP owning some woodland and someone else trying to reclaim it but I can't remember/ don't know what the outcome was?

I remember that!!!! Can't remember outcome.

@Twittlebee posted on, I think, the second thread. She has spent loads of money and the matter has still not been resolved.

@Twittlebee updated her story in part two of this saga.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5047820-hows-this-for-a-whole-new-level-of-cheeky-fuckery-someone-has-token-our-allotment?reply=134479339&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

This is turning into my morning read with a coffee 😆 I'm here for it.. babs must go!

And did Babs then cook the leg of lamb for dinner?https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjmrZTgl8GFAxWdUEEAHVbyBY8QFnoECBsQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FLamb_to_the_Slaughter&usg=AOvVaw17aH9ZpBv1c46OhCdDaZ5h&opi=89978449

Could Sean Bean be grumpy garage man? That would give him scope for plenty of bastarding, and maybe even the odd "fook" or two.

I would also like to see a small role for Aidan Turner, perhaps digging on a neighbouring allotment. Sans shirt, of course.

Surely she would have asked? After all, why would her friend keep an allotment she had no intention of ever using? If she wanted Babs to have it, she would have instructed her solicitor to transfer the land to Babs.

Are you going there today OP? It’s a beautiful morning

Time to get diggy.

If this was a TV drama, there would be a big dramatic trial scene complete with Geoffrey Whitehead as Barbara's snarky aggressive barrister, Nicola Walker as OP's barrister, and Timothy West as the judge. Toby Jones must have a role somewhere, probably as OP's solicitor. It would be full of horrendous legal solecisms (because TV scriptwriters never bother to check), inevitably including a jury and the judge banging a gavel, before OP emerges victorious and Barbara crawls away snarling in the background.

There was a well-known writer many years ago called Fanny Burney, who was lent a cottage to live in, by a friend. It was a lovely cottage but a bit small, so Fanny extended and improved it. Silly Fanny had no lease or other protection and was very put out that when she left, she got no recompense for all the money she'd spent.

Beautiful day, take a deck chair and flask round. She can't stop you sitting on your land ☺️