My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Not necessarily the kids. Could be the parents, although seems a bit strange if OP is always tidying up.
I grew up in a messy house. I remember relatives blaming us children, but if they could see us now, I live in a relatively tidy place and my parents' place is still bad.

I've only skimmed the thread and seen loads of great advice.

But will say- come join us on this thread!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5006759-daily-project-round-5?page=3&reply=134481395

we are a group of people who are trying to make small incremental improvements every single day to our homes. It's been lifechanging for me. And we love newbies.

There's a long queue to borrow the e-book from the library !!!

Suggestions (In roughly this order);

• huge declutter with the kids involved - you need to get to a point where everything fits in the storage designed for it (eg all clothes fit in drawers or wardrobes, towels fit in the airing cupboard, bedding fits in one box under the bed, pots and pans fit in their cupboard, tinned food fits in its cupboard, books fit on the bookshelf).
• I'd recommend an 'all at once' approach for this, starting in the area you have the least storage (bathroom here), bin or put on the side of the bath to be used up first any open bottles or tubes, bin anything out of date, deep clean the entire room, then move on. As bottles get used up they get binned and you don't buy any replacements until what's there is used. Make sure you put things back sorted and organised so everyone knows where things belong - add labels too
• Alternatively you can do it so you do one area out every day (Eg one kitchen cupboard), but make sure you're ruthless and aren't just moving things around into different cupboard etc
• Then big clean - yeah, even if you cleaned the bathroom when you decluttered it on thursday last week, do it again on the money once the whole house has been decluttered
• Make up a portable cleaning basket, or put products in a sensible and accessible place for use
• Work out a sensible routine for you family, based on what jobs need done. This will probably take some time, and you and the kids will need reminding, particularly if you've never had it before, so get it written up, use the alexa and set reminders etc.
• For washing clothes for example, everyone has a washing basket in their bedroom, plus three collapsible ones that live behind you bedroom door. On a friday the kids bring their washing into your room, tip it all out onto your bed, and sort it into coloured loads in the collapsible baskets. Then allocated child takes the darks downstairs and puts them in the wash and turns it on. Then when that load finishes you put the next load in.
• For chores, divvy them up - kids responsible for keeping their own bedrooms tidy, and they can probably hoover and dust themselves. Age dependent - Get one of them allocated to do the bins each week - empty all bins in the house and take them out, and drag the wheelie bin to the curb; get a washing up rota on the go, one to do it/ help you do it every day, or allocate them both to wash and dry.
• Try to clean and tidy as you go in areas like the kitchen.
• Allocate one day a week to do jobs which take more than five minutes - bathroom cleaning, hoovering, mopping floors, and actually do them on those days - schedule the time like you would an appointment with a phone reminder if it helps.
• Have a 'clear surface' in every room (eg dining table, coffee table, desk, set kitchen bench), that you or the kids clear before you go to bed daily to prevent dumping.
• Have a one in one out rule after your big sort out - big clear out of toys and clothes etc before christmas and birthdays to make room for new stuff, and at other points they need to choose a top to get rid of if they buy a new one for example.
• Give kids checklists for things to do everyday - like making their beds, putting toys away, hanging coats up, putting laundry in the basket

For the next couple of months, try to make this something you do daily, and remind the kids to too, hopefully it'll soon become habit.
If you can build in some daily cleaning stuff amongst your current rituals, that's even better (I have a pal who wipes down her shower tiles every third day, as her conditioner is sitting on her hair, and another who checks the fridge for out of date food as the kettle is boiling on thursdays)

Always feels like a waste of time to start, but set aside a chunk of time and attack it. I would do the hallway and always keep it clean and nice afterwards. Plant up something nice on the doorstep and move on through the house.

Whilst I agree that it shouldn't be just one person (usually the woman) keeping the home clean and tidy I also don't believe that just because one partner is lazy the house should be left to go to ruin. Especially if there are children in the home, someone, anyone, needs to keep it clean and tidy for their sake.
So many responses basically absolving OP of all responsibility just because she doesn't mention what her dh does to contribute, he should contribute but letting your children live in an embarrassing home just because the other person isn't helping doesn't exactly cover anyone in glory.

I always felt really guilty about our house being messy and felt like I must be lazy etc because I used to forget to unload the washing machine and they’d need re washing or I’d leave clothes on the washing line for days. I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD and now realise that none of it was my fault and even though people have loads of useful tips they usually start with “you just need to…” and it’s not that easy for me!

I don’t think anyone is absolving her of responsibility, just suggesting she might not find it so difficult of the rest of the household were also pulling their weight. I would feel overwhelmed if I was doing absolutely everything in the household for my family of 5.

I live in a 2 up 2 down end terrace with no hall, the front door opens into my front room from the street. What kills me is the DUST!!! I clean and dust regularly but it looks ok for about 2 days max and then the DUST is back. It really gets to me. I am fairly well organised, clean kitchen and bathroom daily, have regular decluttering sessions, menu plan, have an organised freezer, my drawers, wardrobe and airing cupboard are organised too but my home never looks especially clean and tidy. I loathe housework with a passion, so do it in short bursts, little and often, sometimes I even set a timer and have a race against it to see how much I can get done in 10 mins.

I do this and blast out some really loud music too.

@Packingcubesqueen thank you for sharing that question to ask myself whilst trying to declutter. I find it very hard to let go of things but by asking myself 'do I want this more than I want a tidy home?', has just helped me part with stuff that I was struggling with. It's all gone in the recycling or charity bag.
I shall be asking myself this a lot over the next few months as I try to reclaim our house from the overwhelming amount of stuff we have!!

One touch method I swear by it and it’s helped me loads. You should only ever touch something once, examples would be picking up a cup and moving it to the kitchen, instead of putting it on the side put it straight in the dishwasher.

It’s not perfect but it helps me loads

A little a day is key. Also, if the kids are old enough to notice mess, they're old enough to clean it. Give them each things to be responsible for, no pocket money if their tasks aren't done. See what you can build in to your routine - for example keep some bleach wipes in the bathroom/kitchen and every time you have a shower/while you're waiting for the microwave/toaster, just wipe over a surface. It makes such a massive difference.

Also it’s not “ absolving her of all responsibility.” No one has said let the used mugs sit and grow mould, forget about hoovering. People have just provided perspective that it can take a lot of time to keep things “ visitor perfect” and this isn’t t necessary. Also sometimes often the effort can be as valuable directed to other things.

Do things as you notice them: toy needs new batteries -> replace them straightaway, you buy a new item -> find its place when hou bring it home instead of putting it on a table, you notice dust somewhere -> clean it instead of waiting for the weekly full-house dusting, etc

OP, dont worry there is a huge amount of MN, who do not wash their clothes and think showering is overrated. Just as I have had the trolls on my post you have had the ones here.

Do you struggle with other areas of your life OP? Life admin, making appointments, running late etc? Might be worthing doing an online assessment to screen for adhd.
Also, are you a single parent? If you have a partner they should be helping and if your kids are older they should be pulling their weight.
Decluttering really helps. I have a constant pile running hidden behind a door of stuff for charity or selling on vinted. Get inspired by watching marie kondo on Netflix.
Also, look into the organised mum method... Although i think it shouldn't just be mums that do this it can really help structure housework to make it manageable.
And finally, a bit of mess is normal so give yourself a break!

It can be hard for some people, one other thing that can happen is depression from seeing the mess can put you into a cycle of destruction.

I'm not the BEST at keeping tidy, especially with a young child and working full time. My husband has ADD and takes meds that effect his memory so I can't rely on him either. I try and do one room a day.

You could get a cleaner in if you can afford it with the soul idea that they work with you to help you to keep you house clean. Give you tips and helpful advice.

Do you have a tumble dryer op? I found I was trying not to use it and it led to me getting ten times more tied up as I’d clothes everywhere drying and sometimes I needed them quicker that they could dry. Now when they can’t dry outside I prioritise differently- clothes we won’t need forever can go on clothes horse or rads everything else goes in the drier then folded as they come out instead of being put in the basket

Having less stuff helps.

Go round the house and anything that's not been used/played with or worn for 6 months or so bag up and get rid of.

Storage is the other important factor, does everything have a place? Can you get some kallux units for toys?

Then get a routine, daily jobs and weekly jobs.

I’m well past your stage in life but I do have very poor executive functioning.

I’ve tried all sorts of methods and I am organised now (although there isn’t much to organise to be fair!). I’ve just found an app called Better You, which is a checklist app (better on the iPad). It took a while to set up because I have loads of things to do or to remember daily but it’s really intuitive. I’ve got all my self care, dog grooming, work tasks, and housework on there….even if you think a thing is so insignificant it’s silly to have it written down, just do it anyway.

Could you make a little more storage space? That can help keep things under control. The problem with many modern UK houses is that they lack storage space.

Depression and a house being in a mess tend to feed on each other, as you say.
I am gradually trying to gt this house into a place where I don't have to move things to get other things out, or to put other things away. Then I;m not tempted to 'leave it out because it is a nuisance to put it away and I may/will need to get it out again soon'.

I think your final sentence hits the nail on the head!

I’m not disagreeing that things like ADD can cause problems with these tasks but I do think these days we have to be careful to leave space for things to be variations of totally normal as well as falling into diagnosis territory. Diagnosis is useful but there is a tendency atm to look straight into the dsm for every aspect of life’s challenges. Housework has always been hard and boring work .

Another ADHD'er here who struggles with it!