My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

if they're old enough to notice the house, they're old enough to pull their weight

So you clean on your days of when kids are not there - yes of course I did that to some extent. But you need time for yourself that doesn't involve cleaning.
Obsessive cleaners on this thread. Yawn
On my death bed will I wish I had cleaned more - no

I had similar but got a cleaner (who decluttered) rather than one who just did a tiny clean on already clean worktops. I tried a few who just said they weren't expecting a home which was cluttered and expected me to sort it. So I did that but struggled with being a single mum and a bust job. My latest cleaner just pointed out what could be better and actually helped me. I have her for 4hrs every week and the house looks a zillion times better and I'm proud of it.

Depends on your finances but I think I needed someone to make a dent in it all.

No, but your kids might wish they didn’t grow up in a dirty house, like I did as a child.

You shouldn't have to do this on your own. The whole family should be working towards a clean home. Note I don't say "helping" because they need to take responsibility for their own home too.

I think there is a big distinction to be drawn between dirty and messy. One is not acceptable and the other is less of a big deal.

Yes I completely agree. Although I think my mum would have said ‘our house is messy but not dirty’, when in actuality it was dirty, because it’s very difficult to clean under piles of clutter and mess.
Honestly I don’t think anyone should be spending all their spare time cleaning (unless they want to!), but I do think that in general kids prefer to live in order/cleanliness, and I think it should be the responsibly of the whole household, not just the woman/mother. Everyone in my house pulls their weight, so I have plenty of time to spend doing fun stuff with my DH and kids because I’ve not got the sole responsibility for the housework on my shoulders.

Similar here. As I get out of bath)shower spray bathroom foam round it. Rinse off once im in gown. Chuck bleach down loo before bed. Therefore only needs a good clean once a week

The thing is... children can't have everything because parents aren't perfect. We can't be wonderful at everything.

Yes, there is a basic level of hygiene and nutrition that we need to achieve for our children, but anything above that is a balance.

I am mostly relaxed about kinetic sand and playdoh being trampled around my floors and I view the odd bit of paint being spattered on the walls or painty handprint or scribbles here and there as just being what happens when you have children. Likewise I prefer my DC to be playing with toys rather than having screen time so I don't mind if they get everything out and make a mess. And yes we do tidy up a bit at the end of the day, but sometimes DC wants to keep things out and generally I let them. And sometimes we run out of energy and do nothing at all.

We have a fortnightly cleaner and the day before she comes is "cleaning day". DC are completely ignored, stuck in front of screens and the focus is on getting the house tidy and sorted. And only that. And I achieve a lot. And the house is pretty organised and tidy at the end of it. But neither I nor DC would be happy with having a day like this more than once a fortnight.

I totally agree with this philosophy but especially when they are quite young ( even up to puberty really) getting them to work/help is more training for the future/ making a point than real assistance. If I ask mine to tidy their rooms they showcase a whole load of tatty arts and crafts things they have made out of toilet tissue rolls and blu tack, line up their stuffed toys ( pulling them out of toy boxes etc) as if for a whole school photo, crawl all over the bed in their day clothes to try to straighten the bedding ( which can make me feel🤨 like the linen needs changing) and produce a decluttering box for charity that has things like the China money box their grandparents gave them for Christmas and a beautiful fully illustrated treasury of fairy tales that someone gave them for their Christening. So it always sounds a good idea but sometimes leaves me with more to do than doing it myself…

I enjoy keeping a nice home for my family. Im not going to be lazing around whilst my kids are in school and my DH is working full time. When you have kids, you take on the role of having a nice home for them (not perfect, but clean) and thats my job on my days off. DH does the same when hes got a day off.

Haha mine do this too but to be honest they’re their rooms so I let them organise them how they want. I just ask that the floors are clear for a hoover, and they love being given a cloth and spray to do their surfaces.

I would add to that list a waste bin in every room, a pair of scissors in every room, and if you can a place to store shoes, school bags , coats and jackets so they don’t spread around the house.

Wise comments- esp the bin.

Well it’s not the end of the world but always looks worse after to my eyes than before.

I'm with you and also embarrassed I put washing away but same day it all starts getting piled up on the chair in the living room again ( clean clothes out of the dryer) it's a never ending cycle and the worse it gets the less I want to do .
Clutter , clothes and toys everywhere I'm going to give the book suggested a read.
You aren't alone

Totally agree - Dh helps as much as possible and also does everything garden/diy related around a full time job. Weekends we do tons of fun stuff.

What you can see from so many helpful suggestions for the OP, is that it is actually far easier to live a normal, busy life if you have things in order and a routine with the housework. The home doesn’t have to look completely perfect (unless you want it to) but its far easier to clean if you keep on top of things. If you let things get really dirty, its going to be 10 x the effort of scrubbing/cleaning/sorting getting the house back to a normal level of clean and tidy.

I think being ruthless and not hording things is half the battle aswell. Clutter makes everything harder to clean.

It is not just down to you. If you were a one-person household it would be. Others must take a share, starting with making less mess to begin with.

I would recommend following Orjenise on Instagram, she has some really good and motivating ways of keeping the house clean and clutter free but still having a lovely home to live in.

Don't beat yourself up about not having a pristine show home of a house. As long as your children are loved and cared for, they will be okay.

You've had some really good advice on this thread, I hope you're feeling less overwhelmed it by it all.

If kids are older. Chores every day and do them together.

Plenty of people it's absolutely fine.

This is exactly how I did it!

I couldn't keep on top of anything before I decluttered

Don’t be so hard on yourself . I grew up in a house that was always clean , but messy / cluttered . As a child my room was always so messy and I was never made to clean it up ! Up until recently my house was like this . Always clean and the downstairs usually tidy - but cluttered to an extent and every available cupboard or drawer full to the brim - but upstairs - laundry to go away , bathroom always needing cleaning ( not disgusting but could have been better more cluttered than anything ) my bedroom was horrendous I would never have allowed anyone in . The children have lots of things but like you it would be batteries need replacing etc then it just becomes part of the mess . I struggled with time but also kind of gave up as it wouldn’t have been a quick job to do.

About 6 months ago we had a big change in our dynamic . Won’t go in to loads of detail but it was something we decided and a positive . We decided then we needed to get in a routine . We spent a good week clearing out and then got into a routine together - my husband and I - of daily jobs and weekend jobs. Now , my house is lovely. I enjoy being here . We do things daily that helps ( one eg I was constantly washing - every day but I would put a wash on in the morning and then come home and put it out to dry - then I would need things for the next day so do a quick was but too lazy to take it all out so I would just take what I needed - it created a backlog . The weekends would be manically trying to clear the basket but then no desire to put it away so lots of clean washing in piles , heating on overnight , airers up in the bedroom all the time - I was clambering over to get into bed ! ) we had a few days of washing and putting away but now I put a wash on overnight , then first thing I’ll put it out to dry and then when I’m home from work the first thing I do is take it off the airers, put the airers away, put the dry washing away there and then and then I’ll put a load in the wash to put on last thing at night and repeat daily . It’s a game changer , I never have to root through the dirty washing to find something that needs to be washed for the next day , I never have to have the heating on overnight ( costly and uncomfortable) , I never re wash because I didn’t take it out and the best thing - my radiators aren’t covered in clothes and I’m not climbing over airers and piles of clothes. My bedroom is immaculate now. Same with the children’s rooms - they now have laundry baskets , all toys not used have been chucked , everything that needs batteries has them and I have a drawer full
of batteries . Sometimes it’s just ripping the plaster off and doing that big clean that sets you up to be able to manage it .

My house is a million times better because we have pride in it now - we now know what it’s like for home to be a sanctuary- we have re painted , we have got new furniture etc as we don’t feel the need to always be out of the house because we don’t like it so we have saved money and used that to make our home better. It’s impacted on my whole life - I’m happier , life is less manic , I sit in bed in my nice , tidy room and read . We get up earlier as we know we aren’t lay in bed at the weekend to avoid the manic, rushed cleaning etc ,

It's a shame you forgot to add the relevant information about whether you have a DP, how old your kids are and whether you're a SAHM or not.

With that information, I'm sure you'd get much more practical suggestions.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by what needs doing.

I find setting a timer on my phone for 20 minutes(or however long suits you) and putting music on and just getting as much done in that time as possible. Sometimes I will just do that 20 minutes, other times I will be into it and carry on once the timer goes off. Do it every day.

Put a load of washing on every morning, I do it while my dc are having breakfast, it will soon become a habit.

Before you get food shopping make it a habit to go through the fridge and get rid of anyone pst it’s best. My shopping comes early morning so I do it the night before while dinner cooks.

Get the kids to help, mine put away their own clean washing(I do my youngest hanging bits as he is too small to reach). They also hoover, wipe kitchen sides etc. Even very young kids can help a bit. You all live there so you are all responsible for helping to keep it tidy.