My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Why not get a little job that brings in some extra money and you can use that money to pay a cleaner to come weekly.

Hi it seem to me and I'm no expert but you maybe struggling with mental health and kods don't mind a bit of mess but they doing if their mmy is sad x

It’s all the things that happen around the edges of routines though. In our house that somehow becomes a large proportion of what goes on. I do know people who do cycle through routines and each day slots into it much as the one before; but somehow in our house “other stuff” happens. I stayed with a friend once as a child in the half term holidays and every day was almost identical except for the exact ingredients of the meal, so I know that sort of regulation can be the case. But today a goose has come into our house. It ran down the hallway and out the back door. So now we are floor mopping - unexpectedly.

What do you mean by ‘every day was identical’? Every day is different in our house outside of work/school/nursery anyway. In school holidays every day is entirely different. That doesn’t really have any impact on the state of the house though.

Firstly, I would start off with if your kids are old enough to start feeling actively embarrassed by your messy house that they are old enough to start taking on some household chores. Eg keeping their own rooms clean and tidy bringing pots down from their own rooms. Having a laundry basket in their room and telling them to put their dirty clothes in it?

best thing I did was buy a cordless hoover as I was finding our house was constantly looking like it needed a good hoover but the effort and chore of the big hoover and pulling it about all over the house meant it wasn’t getting done enough.

it’s impossible to keep a house tidy if you have too much stuff and not enough storage. So be ruthless and bin some stuff and have a look at where you could put in some extra shelves or cupboards.

Have a schedule, we both work full time but we have a bit of a plan with cleaning to keep ours looking ok… the garden however is another story at the moment!

EG- always wash up the pots from the evening meal and wipe the kitchen down before bed. Nothing worse than getting up and seeing pots before your day even starts.

we change bedding every Saturday and put the dirty bedding straight in the wash.

deep hoover Saturday morn and quick hoover on a Wednesday with the cordless. Then spot hoover as and when you notice it. Steam mop straight after the deep hoover and then use the flash speed mop in between.

bathrooms on a Sunday morn, keep a bleach in the bathroom and do the toilets daily. Steam mop the toilets and bathroom on a Sunday. Speed mop once or when notice it in between.

always empty and clean the fridge before you reload the new food shop into it. Same with cupboards - get rid of any open packets. Invest in storage for your cupboards and Fridge.

biggest thing is make sure everyone sticks to it. If the weather is gorgeous and you can’t be bothered to sort the house… do it anyway… you’ll feel better walking into a clean house and it’ll only take an hour. Tell your partner/kids if you go to bathroom and it needs cleaning after that they have to clean or or tell an adult to clean it.

I am not naturally a tidy person but for my mental health it’s important for me that my house is ok… I’ve trained myself into this routine over the past few years. You can do it too xxx

You care but struggle because it is pretty clear you most likely have undiagnosed ADHD. It's not your fault. Why not consider a diagnostics so you don't carry guilt which doesn't belong to you. Xx

There is still only one post by the OP. I doubt they are reading the thread so not sure why people are posting.

Thats quite an extreme scenario! 😀 But yes there will always be things that throw a family home into abit of chaos. But I think you can have routines most of the time to make life easier.

Why can't you get a cleaner? It might cost 50 quid for a couple of times a week. Cheaper than a therapist. Everyone normal hates hoovering....unless they're getting paid.

I live in A tiny 2 bed bungalow with my disabled wife and child 7 so we are always messy but clean. I agree decluttering is a must I'm forever finding bags of stuff we forgot about

I feel for you but I don’t know how old your kids are but could they help in some way?
giving kids household chores to do is a great way for them to have their own responsibility
I know how you feel as I have days where I can’t get it together, take it one day at a time, do what you can each day x good luck

Not sure how old your kids are but we used to have tidy up time each evening b4 the tv went on. I started this as soon as they could understand. If it wasn’t tidy, no tv. Works a treat.

And me

Honestly-my heart went out to you when I read your post. You are taking responsibility for the state of your house - but tbh you aren't the only one living there-your kids have a responsibility to clear up/clean up after themselves too-you are NOT their servant! They need to learn that they need to keep things clean/tidy themselves too, in order to 'break the cycle' and give them a good life skill. Your partner too if you have one. You sound quite depressed, so maybe talking to someone you trust about it might be helpful. Several people here have posted that de-cluttering is a good way to get on top of things; it is, but you are going to need help. Yet again your kids need to be involved, and your partner too (if applicable). If you can afford it a de-cluttering service would be invaluable. Don't beat yourself up, you need help, and the biggest step is asking for it. Good luck!

A cleaner haha. You have to be in an ordered enough state to have a cleaner. If your house is tidy enough for a cleaner then you don’t need one.

don’t be so hard on yourself, we’re all winging it through life. Declutter one room every day, set yourself a to do list each day, keep it simple, small tasks and delegate give the kids some chores/ jobs to do. Remember all you can do is your best, none of us are perfect

Don’t feel down. I think if most of us were honest we all feel like this sometimes. I find having a room a day in my notes on my phone helps, like Monday living room Tuesday main bedroom etc whether that be changing the bed or tidying, hoovering, polishing etc. I totally agree with all the comments about decluttering too. Also, watching cleaning videos massively inspires me!!

I think you're overwhelmed - because seriously who remembers to but batteries in their children's toy or nightlights. You expect the kids to point out something is not working or has gone flat. And have a small store of batteries in the cupboard.

So who is making the mess? And do you work outside the home?

Do you have a dishwasher? Because if so, the least everyone can do is put a cup and plate and saucepan in a dishwasher.

Can you afford a cleaner to come in for 1-2 hours a week and clean just the kitchen, including clearing out the fridge, and bathroom?

Are you able to run a vacuum cleaner over the carpets every weekend?

Can you get your kids involved in dusting and/or working the dishwasher, washing machine and tumble dryer?

The only thing I don't get is you thinking it's only your responsibility to tidy the house - nope, it's everybody's.

So why not set aside an hour every weekend, where everyone can join in to help?

If you have outside help for kitchen and bathroom for 1 hour a week.
And inside help from family for 1 hour a week.
And teach your kids to iron their own clothes as they grow up.

And always ask your kids if they can put this or that in the kitchen - not just their stuff, your stuff too.

Make small but significant changes you can follow.

You might be being disengenuous and you're a complete hoarder with a hygiene and mental health problem.

But if the mess is bothering you, and your children, you need to do something about it.

It was quite extreme, even for us.

And yes the routines do help a lot. I make sure clothes for the next day are on a hanger in everyone’s room the night before if it’s a school day or we have to be out of the house snappily and we would never be on time if I didn’t do that. I’m also a clean freak so washing up and laundry plus bathroom and floors have to be prioritised. But sometimes worrying too much actually disrupts routines. For instance I had done one DC’s washing load and then they took their fleece off outside and put it on a gate when playing. I had seen birds sitting on that gate earlier in the day ( yep
more damn birds; they seem to be plaguing me right now) so it felt like it needed another wash straight after having laundered it. So those sorts of adjustments just seem to keep needing incorporating and it isn’t the routine items that pose the problems, it’s the non routine bits. So routines do help but they don’t preclude build up of tasks and I do have sympathy for OP.

I think you might have adhd ? Is it something you have ever considered? It can make it very difficult to keep to a routine and complete domestic tasks

Yes my heart went out to you too OP.

I hope you find a way through it but I suppose what I keep trying to say ( as do others) is that there really are greater faults to have than not being neat as a pin and I feel for you that you are getting ground down by it. I’m sure you are a great mum in so many ways.

Apart from the kids I'm assuming you live alone, so don't beat yourself up over this.
Set up a strategy - each week focus on one room at a time to clear out, take a couple of weeks if there's a lot to sort out.
You don't say how old your children are, but maybe they can help? Even a young child can put their own toys away at the end of each day, providing there is somewhere to put them.

I really struggle with staying on top of my housework. I've always been messy, even as a child my bedroom was always a mess. I do the washing and drying but it nevers gets folded or put away. I can go a week without doing washing up. If I don't tidy my living room every day after 3 days it looks like a bomb has gone off (I have 4 children) but even after one day it can end up a tip. I've had food go mouldy in the fridge before or had to throw it away as it's gone off because I didn't put it in the fridge / freezer quick enough.

I found out at the age of 39 that I have ADHD which actually majorly contributes to my inability to stay on top of the housework (I have a lot of the ther struggles / symptoms as well not just this which led to my diagnosis) but my first thought reading your post was wondering if you maybe have undiagnosed ADHD.

I don't really have any practical advice for you because it's still something I struggle with but it helped me to know that I wasn't just lazy, I had a reason why I struggled with it.

I’m a really clean, tidy person and struggled so much when I lived in a newbuild. They’re often really awkward, there’s no nooks and crannys for all your random little miscellaneous bits. Mine was often a tip, I found it incredibly overwhelming.

I moved into an older house a few months ago and the difference is huge. I think it may be slightly bigger than my previous house but not by much at all - it’s just that it’s not so boxy! I have lots of alcoves to put shelves in and storage cupboards that aren’t really awkward. The kitchen cupboards are much deeper, there’s space in the hallway for shoe and coat storage. I clean and tidy far less often than I did in the newbuild and my friends always tell me that it looks like a show home.

Also, do you/could you have ADHD? My more messy friends all have it, apparently it’s really common and under diagnosed.

I feel as though I wrote this, I suffer with fibromyalgia and I'm so exhausted my house gets disgusting.