My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

Do you mind me asking ( and this is NOT a questioning of your diagnosis, just genuine interest) why it is that adhd makes housework hard for you? Do you find it hard to stick at the task till completed? I absolutely know that adhd gives people issues with administrative tasks but I just have never understood exactly why.

As a single mother, l have three young children & work full time & my house is immaculate, it isn't hard. If everyone in the house puts things away properly after use, & know you work hard for everything they have, they should know from day one, to respect their own stuff & their enviroment.
I get up at 6.00am, get ready, then shower all three children. While they are wrapped in their towels l make their beds & tidy the bathroom. When dressed we go downstairs , they sit at the table for cereals & toast etc. After breakfast they stay at the table chatting and reading

amongst themselves, while l hoover all the house, then its off to school for them & work for me.....its all about routine, & rules, it isn't hard. Messy houses are vile to me, there is no excuse, it's pure laziness.

You sound delightful.

But there are people on here saying they do struggle - several posters have referenced their adhd. Your post is rather lacking in empathy.

I know lots of people who simply could not the way you have described and it isn’t sheer laziness.

Do you suffer from depression or other ailments? It’s hard to get motivated sometimes. Do things in small chunks if you can.

Two things: hire a weekly cleaner and use them for 8 hrs so they sort out everything from washing to putting things away. You can perhaps wash everything at once one day before they come weekly to ease things out. Second, you might have adhd. Right medication works wonders.

What a rude thing to say @MeMyCatsAndMyBooks

Of course having routines help. OP is obviously very unhappy about her messy house, and it’s affecting her children. So just telling her it’s normal is not exactly helping either.

If your kids are complaining it must be really bad What sort of example have you been setting? Sort your life out!

That poster was rude. People have posted on here with issues such as fibromyalgia yet she is tartly saying there is no excuse, messy houses are vile. That’s just cruel when there are people who have said they are struggling.

Multiple people have said very clearly they have adhd which absolutely effects a person's ability to keep onto of housework! Adhd causes the brain to not be able to plan/ Prioritise / start or keep on task. That are just facts. I have been diagnosed adhd last year. It is NOT laziness in some people. Yes some people it is but their absolutely is reasons. So to say Judy because u can is frankly Insulting to anyone who has genuine reasons for struggling. Maybe so empathy or compassion wouldn't hurt. Also some learning about conditions thay effect Executive functioning which is Technical term.

ADHD makes housework hard for several reasons. Firstly, we find it harder to find the motivation to do things that don’t interest us due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters, meaning it’s tricky to get going with housework in the first place. I’m also autistic which means I find it hard to start tasks as I get stuck in one state. Secondly, when I try to clean and organise it’s like all the component tasks of tidying one room (putting objects away, cleaning surfaces, hoovering) start swirling around my brain and I feel like I have to catch them, I keep losing them somewhere in my brain and having to find them again. I also find mess very visually confusing and struggle to separate objects out visually.

Also, I find my days are very up and down - I struggle the most in the late afternoon and evening but often find I can tidy really well first thing in the morning, which is before my kids have made all the mess. If I’ve had to overexert myself socially or physically the previous day I find it much harder to organise my thoughts. For instance today has been hard to even get dressed because my daughter had a procedure in hospital yesterday so all my energy for yesterday and today and probably tomorrow went on organising everything for that and being with her. The fridge thing is tricky because I have to see things in order to realise they are any issue - I need a visual prompt to remind me to check the fridge or I forget the food exists.

It is beyond frustrating and I have felt so much shame my whole life for not being able to keep organised. In other areas of life I’m an over achiever and have a good career, qualifications etc It’s only since the last two years I’ve got my late diagnosis of autism and been told by a professional
they think it’s ADHD as well that I have been able to understand myself and have a bit of self compassion and try some strategies to help

Get the kids to make an effort. They learn by example so if they see stuff lying everywhere they will leave stuff rather than putting things away.
They need to accept some responsibility and it may help them to be more organised

I’m glad you got your diagnosis and can feel self-compassion surrounding these issues now.

Can u get rid of some stuff?

Less stuff = less mess.

Start with getting everyone to fill a refuse bag with stuff they don’t want. Then do it again if need be. And then go around each room and have a look at whether the storage could be improved and what else you can shift.

Are you depressed? Sometimes the sheer inability to do something is a sign of some serious depression. But it really sounds as if you are actually running yourself ragged while the rest of your family is making a mess.
As to clean clothes, I bought double numbers when mine were small - from cheaper shops - and stuff that did not need ironing. Doing bigger washes less often works.
If you can afford, remove carpets for hard floors that can have a quick wipe.
Get a big tub and train your little ones to pick up and either put away or if they are younger, put in the tub. Why are you clearing up after them? They can do that from the age of 2.
And did you mind, being in a messy house growing up? If you really did, then channel how you felt to see if that helps you. If not, then I doubt that they do either. Messiness is not the end of the world, you love them and that is what is important.

If it is just that you are doing it all for some little ones and feel you cannot cope, the cut yourself some slack! There are some really strange women out there who CAN do it all, but not many.

Hoovering the WHOLE house before you leave for school?
Are there medals for this?

I've a relatively small bungalow & hoovering the whole house in one go is an every six weeks kind of job, who has time for that every day.

I've just read loads of the thread & bookmarked my place, what I should be doing is mopping the kitchen & hall floors that I brushed yesterday morning. I'll brush again in the morning & mop then. I'm definitely more a morning person.

Is find this so utterly soul destroying. Wake to a fresh new day full of promise and … lets christen it with a mop and hoover.

We are all so different …

…was referring btw to the whole house post breakfast hoover

I’m a private house cleaner and have numerous clients, all are different in mess and tidiness but what I can suggest :

1 Children have a hamper for dirty clothes and you have one for yours then get clear boxes for everyone in the family and label each one with their name
this helps for when clothes have been washed and dried and is easy enough for children to put away themselves in their bedrooms, try to do a load every other day as this will keep on top of dirty clothing and then you and children will always have clean clothes

2 write all chores down that need to be done on a regular daily basis
like a rota Monday to Sunday
this will help you to keep on top of things and then you will know what needs to be done on certain days
for instant Monday - quick de clutter of bedrooms dirty clothing that needs to be washed and empty bins , vac , polish , mop floors etc
get into a habit of vacuuming each day or every other day do upstairs one day , downstairs next day, after eating wash up and then put away cup plates etc once dried as this will help to stop them piling up.

3 get into a good routine making sure house is de- cluttered as this will make it easier not only for you but your children too. Get your children to help get rid of things that are broken, outgrown or in general not needed, this will free up space and also will make cleaning easier for everyone. Any clothes that are outgrown donate to charity or sell them on this will then make it easier to keep on top of washing.

4 reward your children for helping doing little things around house an ice cream or something nice when you go out . Remember it doesn’t have to be expensive but getting them involved will then show them how a tidy house looks like and also they will learn to keep their rooms tidy enough and this will also help in keeping cleaning efforts to a minimal

5 declutter fridge and cupboards every couple of weeks but your fridge every time you are about to do a food shop-make a list of only essential things that are needed as then you won’t end up having to waste food or it ending up going mouldy

my children make their own beds every morning and also help with chores ie put their clothes away, I have one rule that if I ask more than three times anything that has not been put away it goes out for the bin men,
It works a treat

you can achieve a clean and tidy house with minimal effort , it’s just keeping on top of everything, I spend most days cleaning for 40 minutes top to bottom that’s after coming home from deep cleaning one of my clients houses that I do once a week and that takes me 3hours and they are very messy indeed
But what I like is knowing that when I have visited their house is immaculate and the children know I have been and cleaned and it stays like it for a couple of days!

Re fridge:

Put perishables (things that need using or they'll go mouldy) at eye level. Move condiments and anything that keeps to the drawers at the bottom.

For cupboards, do the same put things that go mouldy in the cupboard you use the most (cup cupboard often works).

Get the kids if young enough to take dirty cloths off downstairs and then put them straight in to washing machine, even if you don't turn it on until it's full (stop separating anything out that isn't purely white).

And declutter. Declutter and declutter.

And get the kids in the habit of tidying their toys away.

Put music or a podcast or radio on whilst you are doing stuff you can dance or catch up with the news at the same time, it helps.

This house sometimes looks like a bomb has hit it (no ADHD or depression) it happens that's life.

Don't be too hard on yourself

Buy some new batteries and a screwdriver and create a charging station.

Our teens want to help cooking by making something to add to dinner, which is great, they are good company, are learning to cook decent food but by lord at the end no spoon is left unturned.

So I clear up the next day. No Biggie it gets done if anyone wants to come round with a judgemental score pad and mark how many chopping boards are not clean dry and put away then fine whatever what they don't see is the conversation about the Venice spice trade that happened whilst explaining cinnamon amounts to them or how not even garlic experts can tell you how strong a clove is by looking at it. That's the life bit.

Find the things that steal your time
For me: packing school bags and finding all uniform the night before. It saves half hour in the morning I can do a round of washing up whilst they are getting dressed if we are looking for everything.

If we don't do that the rest of a day tends to be a disaster.

Find what does and doesn't work for you. It's different for everyone

That's a little unfair. Some people aren't as tidy by nature, or have conditions like ADHD which may make it harder to stay on top of things.

Try being a bit more empathetic to others who might not be quite as tidy or perfect as you might like..! 😳😒

How to Keep House while Drowning book by KC Davis is a very good book to help you manage basic cleaning and personal maintenance tasks. It’s very quick and easy to read, lots of practical guidance and no nonsense. It’s also very kind, you will not feel like a failure while reading it.

Very judgemental. You obviously got top marks in houseproud & organisation but bottom in the class for empathy and kindness. It really is unnecessary to be so nasty to OP when she has already said she is feeling bad about her home & can't organise herself.