My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

If you live like this (I used to) the trick is to come to the realisation that you just can’t manage living with the quantity of “stuff” that other people can. It means getting rid of shed loads of stuff (more than most people) in order to function.

Don’t try and aim to declutter a normal amount, declutter then declutter again and again… until you get to the amount of stuff you as a family can actually manage.

Hey Hey Hey! You seem to be confusing being a good mum with having a tidy house. Stop it at once! Being a good mum has nothing to do with how well kept your living space is. I'm sure your house is better than mine. If you want to have a different kind of living space, then try to fix it if it would make you feel better but don't torture yourself with thoughts of being a bad mother. I used to have a shallow friend. After visiting us and having a meal here, she texted a friend but by mistake copied me in. ' [My name]'s house a complete pigsty. STILL the same carpet, all worn. Stuff everywhere. She must be mentally ill'. This from a woman without children who lives alone. Needless to say, no longer a friend. Most people are more understanding. Despite spending a lot of time each day cleaning and tidying, my house will never be like a show house. Well, tough!!! Now it's a lovely evening, so I'm going out for a walk, and will leave hoovering and washing dishes until later. And if I'm timed out, they won't run away, and I'll do them tomorrow.

Me.

There is also a good book called 'How to keep house while drowning' by KC Davis. She said something that really resonated with me- 'mess is morally neutral. '

You sound anything but mentally ill - head totally screwed on because being a good mum DOES have nothing to do with a tidy house. A friend of mine has an obsessively house proud mum. She bitches about other people’s curtains being “ five years old”(!) and seeing weeds in their garden when she went round. But she never spent any time mothering: she was always prioritising being the cleaner. Whenever I mention a children’s classic like Winnie the Pooh, Hansel and gretel etc my friend has never really heard of it because she was never ever even read to as a child. Never had a birthday party as it would have messed the house up! House was perfect tho👍

I don't get how it gets so messy, after you've cleaned all day. How?

I barely clean at all. The place is ok all the time. I wipe the services as I cook, then after dinner I put the dishwasher on. I empty the bin and the recycling bin. I wash the clothes, hang them on heated airer to dry, put them away. Eufy hoovers, and I Dyson once a week. It keeps it ok. It takes no time at all.

Make yourself a cleaning rota- daily, weekly, monthly, 6 monthly and stock to it. Daily is things like washing, kitchen sides, weekly dusting, bathroom, monthly clean windows, skirting, six monthly sort clothes, all drawers and cupboards. Spend 1 hour per day on your lists and that should be enough too keep on top.

Is anyone making a glitter picture of a sunset while you load the dishwasher ( just after you’ve hoovered!). And does anyone come in covered in mud from an impromptu rugby game at their play date just after you’ve put the laundry on the airer? And once you’ve got them all to bed and put the rugby kit through thd wash, does anyone wake up because they’ve caught the vomiting bug from the child next door and now you have to wash the bedding and the carpet in DC’s room? Families have issues that create constant mess…

Not to mention, when you have depression you tend to be really really tired as well.

It's a slow up hill battle and anyone who even just manages to wash dishes when in the tick of depression should be proud of themselves for sure.

@Nichelette

thank you! ☺️

I have a very tidy home. Reasonably clean too. But contrary to what PP thinks, my DC have never missed out on playing with me or going out somewhere with me because I'm cleaning or tidying.

This is because we have systems put in place, where pretty much everything is done as we go along.

Clothes are never dropped on the floor (even when DC were tiny) but put in either the dark or light washing hamper.

Saucepans/mixing bowls etc. Are washed up (by hand - no dishwasher) as we are cooking so after dinner there's little to do. Doing the dishes counts as part of the meal time here. Dinner is only finished and everyone "freed" when the table is cleared and dishes have been washed. Its rarely more than 10 minutes. Work surfaces are wiped down whenever used.

I wash clothes and hang them out in the morning. By the afternoon everyone has a pile of clothes to put away (except for ironing which goes in a basket for DH to do). The DC put away their clothes no problem because their drawers/shelves are only 50% full at most.

I hoover twice a week. Dust once a week
Bathrooms once a week. Toilets every 2 days.

Food and drinks are only consumed at a table. (Except water). Both DC are dyspraxic so when younger i put a waterproof mat under their chairs to catch the mess.

Things are put away not put down. Shoes, school bags, coats.... everything has a place and immediately goes in it when we get home.

The only exception is toys if my DC have set up a game and will carry on playing over the next few days.

Both my DC have ADHD. But easily follow the organisation and systems we have put in place. Crucially, I don't feel like they or DH create extra cleaning or tidying for me so I don't resent the cleaning iyswim.

Regular decluttering really helps keep these systems running smoothly.

But, a lot of this is up to you tbh. Where does the mud and dirt come from, their shoes or what..!? Why let them eat on the sofa if they pour milk and weetabix over it, just sit at the table until they are finished eating? Same with blueberries. I work with 1-3 year olds (not in the UK) and 20 of them together don’t make the mess you describe. Sure it’s messy, but it’s tolerable and easily cleaned up. We certainly don’t have mud inside or food on the sofas.

No, most people’s houses do not look like that. You might wish they do, but they really don’t.

You're being way too hard on yourself. It's normal to have an untidy house at times and it's totally normal to forget to charge things. Nobody is perfect, the people you are comparing yourself to aren't perfect, they just don't show imperfections. If you're worried about your house focus first and foremost on being clean, which is different from tidy. A lived in home with children is inevitably going to be untidy. But stop beating yourself up. You and your home are most likely totally normal.

Also me. Sometimes I give various bits of it a quick wipe but it gets a full clean once a week and no more.

What are the services that you're wiping?

Surfaces

Do you have ADHD OP? I ask because it's quite common in people with ADHD to struggle to keep on top of things.

My house is a newish build, with plenty of storage but no matter how hard me and my partner try we just can't make our furniture/stuff 'look right' but we did move here from another house which all the furniture was brought for that fit it perfectly. We are both undiagnosed on the spectrum somewhere as are 2 of our 3 kids. We spend a few hours a day cleaning and then we get fed up of the same daily cleaning grind and don't do it for a day or 2. Our kids don't help us. We are all as bad as each other though.

@Calliopespa
I have had that too. Both ds's playing football, constant mud football kits in wash. Or a 5g football pitch they've been playing on, take their kits off in the kitchen by the washing machine, and 100's of rubber crumb black bits get everywhere. We all face such stuff, all of us need to do washing.

And the point is?

The point is that’s how mums can work all day and still end up with more to do by the evening. The comment was made in response to a post that a poster washes the clothes then hangs them on the airer with the implication it stops there. But for busy families it doesn’t: it keeps coming.

I’m sorry to have to tell you OP that tidiness is a strongly inheritable trait. On that basis a lot of us will have a lot more trouble maintaining a tidy house. You may get the untidy genes from a parent or more remote ancestors but it does mean you need to put in much more effort than the average Miss Tidy — it’s like good looks or height and something one has no control over so if you don’t meet the standards of the naturally tidy they should not judge. Don’t stress a teach your DC to help.

Oh you were that poster I see.

im not sure why yours being so unsympathetic to OP if you’ve been there…

Is it dirty or messy? There is a difference!
My house is never going to be minimalist...I'm more of an aging hippie surrounded by the memories of a thousand lifetimes kinda gal but my house is clean and welcoming. My dad absolutely hates it. He's all magnolia walls and crisp lines. My dc and their mates love our home, well I assume they do because they're always here and not at other mates houses!
If it's clean and you like it, leave it. If you hate it, start making small manageable changes that you can build into habits. Don't blitz because it will inevitably return to it's previous state 😉

@Lorralorr

don’t let them do that! Especially pouring milk on the sofa- it’ll stink!

It’s easy if you try OP!