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Original poster

Evening invite to friend’s wedding

402 replies

Loulou1902 · 10/04/2024 22:40

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

OP posts:
Serene135 · 12/04/2024 14:55

I think in terms of the hen do you were either invited:

  • to increase numbers
  • to reduce the financial burden on others by coming and contributing
  • because someone else organised it and invited you.
Sorry OP 🌺. It sounds like you have grown apart and unfortunately she doesn’t really see you as a close friend anymore. I wouldn’t want to arrive in the evening if other long-term friends had been invited to the ceremony so I would give it a miss. You have spent enough money celebrating with her already. I do wonder if you were even originally invited to the evening celebration or if she just added you as an afterthought after you mentioned it. The other friends who are going must know that you haven’t been invited which is also quite awkward. I would be dignified and not go. I would then distance myself from the ‘friendship’.
willWillSmithsmith · 12/04/2024 15:02

She likely did invite you to the hen etc because they’re a ‘the more the merrier’ type do’s and make the hen look popular. If you feel you don’t have much to lose you might as well ask her why you’re not invited.

Runnerinthenight · 12/04/2024 15:15

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 22:32

Exactly, I can’t beleive some posters are literally frothing at the mouth, no wonder so many lonely people with no friends.

Show quote history

I'd rather have no friends than be a pushover for someone who treated me badly!

Inviting to the hen and then subsequently only to the evening do, is weird and not very nice.

Are you both part of the same friend group @Loulou1902 ? Are you going to be the one who comes off worst if you don't go?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Runnerinthenight · 12/04/2024 15:22

Jf20 · 12/04/2024 08:26

Why?’ as she was invited to her wedding reception? I don’t really get how sensitive people are on here. Bil picks you up. Not sil. Be offended, invited to your friends wedding reception on the evening. Be offended to the level you end the friendship and are classed as grimly hanging on if you don’t?

it’s absolutely bonkers.

Show quote history

It's posts like yours that are bonkers!

MichaelFlatulence · 12/04/2024 15:24

why then invite me to her baby shower - gifts for her.

and hen do if I’m that bad of a friend? - more people equals more popular

PastorCarrBonarra · 12/04/2024 15:33

This friendship has run its course, OP. It’s no one’s fault, these things happen.

I don’t think that it would be very dignified to attend in the evening tbh, with everyone else having been there all day.

Daisys24 · 12/04/2024 15:33

I would say those invited to the hen do would be considered close friends so therefore be at the day event.

Runnerinthenight · 12/04/2024 15:34

ScribblingPixie · 12/04/2024 14:27

Reading both your posts, it seems like your behaviour in the past, no matter how understandable, means that she's downgraded your friendship. You could accept this invitation with good grace in the hope that you can rebuild your friendship further. Or you could let it drift onwards and perhaps towards more distant if it feels more natural. It's your choice, really.

I think the bride's behaviour has caused the drift! She doesn't seem to have been very understanding or supportive when the OP was going through a hellish time!

BigBarm · 12/04/2024 15:42

I’ve been to a couple of hen parties when I’ve only had an evening invitation… but this was eg for a colleague and back in the days when a hen do was simply a local night out (pub, pizza and club kind of thing). And I also knew about it well in advance
I don’t have an issue with evening invitations generally - I have a huge family so cousins are often only invited to the evening and I’ve sometimes travelled long distances to these.

But in your shoes I absolutely wouldn’t be accepting this invitation! (if it even turns up?)

MrsSunshine2b · 12/04/2024 15:55

I wouldn't travel for an evening invite. Cut your losses, decline the invite and for future reference, you know where you stand with this "friend".

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 12/04/2024 16:44

MrsSunshine2b · 12/04/2024 15:55

I wouldn't travel for an evening invite. Cut your losses, decline the invite and for future reference, you know where you stand with this "friend".

Yeah I think either way this friendship is pretty done. I definitely wouldn't bother for an evening invite. Send a card and wish her well then have done with it

ScribblingPixie · 12/04/2024 16:54

Runnerinthenight · 12/04/2024 15:34

I think the bride's behaviour has caused the drift! She doesn't seem to have been very understanding or supportive when the OP was going through a hellish time!

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I'm not judging. I just think there was a long period - a year or more - when two friends weren't really communicating and the friendship deteriorated. Although they had a heart to heart, the friendship didn't really recover - maybe life had just moved them on to different places. It's up to the OP how hard she wants to try to regain the friendship.

Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 16:56

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 22:32

Exactly, I can’t beleive some posters are literally frothing at the mouth, no wonder so many lonely people with no friends.

Show quote history

The clue is in the word “FRIEND “ this is not a friend

SerafinasGoose · 12/04/2024 17:00

Runnerinthenight · 12/04/2024 15:15

I'd rather have no friends than be a pushover for someone who treated me badly!

Inviting to the hen and then subsequently only to the evening do, is weird and not very nice.

Are you both part of the same friend group @Loulou1902 ? Are you going to be the one who comes off worst if you don't go?

Show quote history

Good point, @Runnerinthenight. In answer to the post you were directly responding to, I've attended a handful of weddings in my life because I never go to them if I can possibly avoid it.

It's a wonder I have any friends at all, eh?

theholesinmyapologies · 12/04/2024 17:02

She's happy to take from you (baby items) and use you to prop up numbers (and pay £££) for her events, but blows you off if when there's nothing in it for her?

She's not your friend.

I hope the hen do hasn't already gone ahead and you get get your money back.

Don't buy her a wedding gift.

MaryFuckingFerguson · 12/04/2024 17:15

No, you don’t need to embarrass her by discussing it.

I would politely decline an invitation to the evening only.

Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 17:17

MaryFuckingFerguson · 12/04/2024 17:15

No, you don’t need to embarrass her by discussing it.

I would politely decline an invitation to the evening only.

Don’t need to embarrass her 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Americano75 · 12/04/2024 17:21

Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 17:17

Don’t need to embarrass her 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

Blow torch and brass neck comes to mind!

LlynTegid · 12/04/2024 17:29

Her choice, should have had the evening only invite before the hen do was discussed. I would decline the evening invite.

RazzlePuff · 12/04/2024 17:39

our rule, determined after experience, is to decline evening invites and send a gift.

attending weddings as a guest is expensive and considering the actual amount of time at “wedding” as evening guest, is very short and expensive if include travel, accomodation, clothes etc.

We travelled hours in car & booked hotel (Brighton to Bristol) for a wedding, hadn’t realised that we were “drinks only” guests with 2 drink tickets then cash bar. (We didn’t even bring ££ for drinks). The invite was not clear about this, the wording was vague about “evening” . DH friend, so he never asked questions.

The other guests took too long at dinner, so we sat waiting outside the dinner venue with some random people. The “real” guests, who had been at it all day and left “en masse” as the day had been very long and dinner ran late by at least an hour- it felt very crappy to us though made best of it. We, a couple, had been generous with gift from registry and were left thinking - WTF ??!! We had to borrow money for drinks.

After that, if we were not included in full wedding AND it involved travel, we politely declined and sent a generous gift (which ends up being a cost savings).

Serene135 · 12/04/2024 17:46

I don’t think OP should even send a gift. She’s clearly not valued as this person’s friend - she wasn’t even sent wedding details (for the day or evening) until after she asked. I bet the other people on the hen do had the details though. I wonder if they were informed that OP wasn’t invited to the ceremony and asked to keep it all quiet. It’s extremely unkind.

betterangels · 12/04/2024 17:54

Serene135 · 12/04/2024 17:46

I don’t think OP should even send a gift. She’s clearly not valued as this person’s friend - she wasn’t even sent wedding details (for the day or evening) until after she asked. I bet the other people on the hen do had the details though. I wonder if they were informed that OP wasn’t invited to the ceremony and asked to keep it all quiet. It’s extremely unkind.

If the mutual friends on the hen do knew that OP wasn't invited, that's just really shitty.

I wouldn't attend and wouldn't send a gift. OP paid enough for the hen do.

Starlight330 · 12/04/2024 17:57

I've never been to a hen do where all attendees were not included in the whole wedding. I'm sorry to say I think this is completely lacking in consideration for your feelings OP, especially If its a friendship group who alI consider each other to be good friends. I think I'd be inclined to make up an excuse and decline the invitation.

Nicetobenice67 · 12/04/2024 18:33

Starlight330 · 12/04/2024 17:57

I've never been to a hen do where all attendees were not included in the whole wedding. I'm sorry to say I think this is completely lacking in consideration for your feelings OP, especially If its a friendship group who alI consider each other to be good friends. I think I'd be inclined to make up an excuse and decline the invitation.

I wouldn't make an excuse I would tell her straight

ReacherSaidNothing · 12/04/2024 18:51

Hi OP I had a similar situation many years ago, with a friend whom I had known since school. We were part of a group of five friends. In our early twenties we lost touch with her then she reappeared in our lives years later. We both had babies a few months apart and became closer to each other than with the others, she then announced her engagement and advised I had an evening invite.

I was fine with this initially but when I found out the other three girls were all day invites I got upset, especially as one of the girls in particular had had little interaction with her after she came back into out lives. I declined the evening invite and I don't see her very often now.

I posted here about it and got flamed and while yes, it's her wedding and her choice, it doesn't negate the fact that it's still a bit shitty and shows exactly what that person thinks of you. So no, I don't blame you at all for being upset and tbh you're probably best to keep future interactions with her low-key. Why make the effort when she's now shown you what she thinks of you?