Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I just wouldn't go, I don't think.

I'd be embarrassed if all other old friends have been there all day. And then there's the expensive hen!

It would be a no from me.

£250 for a hen do? Is the world filled with bridezillas????

I'm so sorry @Loulou1902 the hen has taken the piss. Don't take it personally, life lessons are important. Your decision is now whether you spend more money on a present and even attend. I wouldn't buy a present and would go and enjoy myself at her £.

I'm sorry you didn't get much change out of Mumsnet on this one, @ReacherSaidNothing. There are frequent complaints that 'only on Mumsnet do people hate weddings', as though its members are bots who don't really exist in the real world. By the same token, nothing short of being on your deathbed is sufficient excuse not to attend a wedding. As for failure to pitch up at a family member's nuptials, this unforgivable act necessitates instant NC and a permanent life in the wilderness for the non-attendee. It's a funny old site (and I'm sure most people posting on these threads are doing so for a laugh).

Real life, at least my real life, simply isn't like this. Weddings are just not that big a deal. They do have a nasty habit of sometimes bringing out the worst in people, which is a mixed blessing because those on the receiving end can then adjust their expectations of the future relationship accordingly. If these remain low or non-existent, then you won't be further disappointed.

I steer well clear of weddings. I'm a reasonably 'normal' person, but IME they don't merit even half the angst they're apt to generate.

We eloped.

What I would consider doing

See if invite arrives. Then assuming it's by normal post just pretend it didn't arrive

If you get chased you can then say oh you didn't get anything so assumed she'd changed her mind so you arranged x other thing.

Or if course you are pleased she chased and wants you there so you then say oh lovely I'll be there.

If she doesn't chase then you have an excuse if people ask why not there.

You’d expect that a hen do is the brides closet friends, and, er, the friends shed most want at her wedding ALL day.
of course the op would assume a hen do invite meant she was viewed as close friend, and therefore someone meaningful to the bride and wanted at the full wedding.

I do agree wedding are a rip off though- BUT it’s NOT the OPs wedding we’re talking about. or any wedding

this post is about someone thinking she’s considered a good friend, finding out to her emotional, as well as financial, cost, that she’s not viewed as a close friend. And it’s been done in a backhanded way.

not a nice thing to be on receiving end of. show some empathy.

I agree you should not ask her but it's up to you whether you want to go the evening do, whether it alters your friendship or if you give a smaller gift.

I can beat this 😂

Someone who i considered a v close friend (known her nearly 20 years) got engaged, sent her save the dates out etc, I didn’t get a save the date or invite - I wasn’t majorly bothered, I clearly don’t mean that much to her 🤷🏼‍♀️

The wedding is now a few months away, a couple of weeks ago I get added to a group chat regarding her hen do with a message popping up about the plan for the day and the extortionate costs on minibuses for a shitty day out in Scarbados 😂 Nice to know I’m not worthy of attending the wedding but worthy of funding your minibus!

I wouldn’t bother meeting over a coffee as she’s already shown you what you mean to her and she doesn’t want you there. I personally couldn’t care less that my “friend” has done this, but it’s understandable to feel hurt by it. X

It sounds like she wasn’t a great friend to you in your time of need and rather than recognising that, she’s made it about how you hurt her feelings. An evening invite is shitty in the circumstances.

Haven't been to a wedding for years and years. Far too expensive nd complicated these days. But the last one was evening invite only. Went with my bff.. We left at 10 pm to go clubbing... And the bride and groom came with us!! And we all scooped bottles of champagne on the way out.. Left all her relatives say there..
Looking back it seems outrageous.. Sadly it didn't last. The groom had been seeing her bff for years...
Glad we hadn't spent £££ on the day and gift!!

I wouldn’t go. If you are close enough to expect someone to pay £250 for a hen do they are close enough for a full invite. She’s a shitty friend. Also, all invites get sent at same time.

It's something you just have a to accept not discuss, it will make it awkward. Just make sure it's mirrored if/when you get married.

oh this is good. you must update us with what was said when said no to hen ?
which I presume you did?

we obviously have a whole untold story from the bride's point of view,
and the crux is you feel embarrassed turning up on your own in the evening.

but it is up to you whether you go and enjoy the party or not go

I’m yet to say no but not one person has accepted her invitation, people are just quietly removing themselves from the group chat atm - we are down to 5, she’ll be inviting another round of main do rejects at this point! 🤪😂

I did want to tell her what a cheeky cow she’s been, but she’s the sort of person who probably thinks she acted perfectly reasonably, so it wouldn’t have any result other than making her think I’m bitter at the lack of wedding invite 😂 Might have to just follow suit and remove myself too!

oh love it quietly removing from ghd group is a brilliant move 👏

Do it remove yourself from the group and keep us updated

It's incredibly crass to invite someone to spend hundreds on a hen event and then not invite them to the wedding.

Politely decline the invitation. Do not give a present.

It’s a shame you wasted £250 on the hen do but it’s spent now so forget it and focus on whether you still want to be friends and attend the evening reception or not.

She’s not invited you to the actual wedding for a reason. I think it’s ok to ask why not, but not expect to be invited.

Personally, I would give the whole thing a miss.

All these replies don’t take into account just how hard it is to plan a wedding. My close relative got married recently and both bride and groom have big close families, lots of cousins etc. Both are of the opinion that close family come before friends. The venue could only cater for 90 people for the day so a lot of friends only got invited to the night (most colleagues and more casual friends not invited) it was nothing to do with how close friends they are , it was purely family numbers and venue maximums. The groom has loads of mates and he was getting grief from loads of people about evening invite/no invite, ironically none of the ones moaning have got married and not likely to either

@toni6994 I think you owe it to yourself but mostly to us to remain in the group and watch the fallout.

Thanks. 👍😄

Aww love, you sound like a lovely person and FWIW I think she was in the wrong years ago as she blamed you when you needed support.
She has shown you how little you mean to her.
I agree with those who are saying she only invited to you to the hen do to make up numbers and she never intended to invite you to the wedding until you queried it. Walk away. Don't go, just send a card and for goodness sake don't give her any more of your daughter's cast offs.
You are worth so much more than this.

I thought this too but ( sadly) I suspect it was a case of her wanting to bolster hen numbers and she hasn’t needed to for the wedding itself ( where guests cost her more).

For those reasons I can certainly understand you feel a bit snubbed and hurt OP, so no, you’re not over-sensitive.

However I’m also not sure about talking to her about it. She’s essentially told you where you fit in her social pecking order and you can’t instruct people to feel differently about you. I just think sadly the things you mentioned have come between you a lately have grated on her more than you perhaps.

I can understand your annoyance about the spend on the hen do, but she’s given you a good basis to cut back on the wedding gift considerably. Don’t overdo the cost cut to the point of insulting or you will simply justify ( in her mind) not inviting you; but do something appropriate for an evening guest and no more. Go along and be pleasant.

Unfortunately she clearly isn’t as invested in the friendship and in those circumstances you really just need to take that on board - hurtful as that can be . But we can’t force people to rank our friendship as highly as we might like.

So hold on — and bear in mind I’ve never been to a hen do — the hen do is not something to be enjoyed for its own sake but a sort of reservation for your place at the main ceremony and wedding breakfast?

I get that you might be hurt, but it sounds really transactional to be thinking that paying to attend the hen do should therefore entitle you to attend the whole wedding.

It's usual for close friends, work colleagues, you get on with and female relatives to go to the hen and be invited to the main ceremony.

As you say you have never been to one