Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I’d go to the evening and have a great time. Wrap up a Terry’s Chocolate Orange for their gift and chase them up for a hand written thank you card.

I would just say that you can’t come. You say you’re an evening guest, but you did not even receive an evening guest invite until chasing - so I’d wonder whether you were invited at all.

you could say you’re coming and then get covid/D&V or just say you can’t make it/afford it.

This is such good advice.
It hurts when friendships change but sometimes they just do.
However I disagree with the rebuilding it bit.
She is not being a good friend to you anymore so focus on building other friendships whilst keeping the door open.

Stop chasing, giving her things and 2 forgotten coffees would mean no further invite , once is OK, twice deliberate .
A counsellor told me about mirroring others energy and its sound advice .
She's putting low energy into maintaining your friendship .

I would politely decline and wish her all the best

Could you accept and then not go? Say, "sorry, something came up!" and then drop the friendship...

I find it odd you're close enough to be invited to the hen do but not the wedding ceremony.

You have 2 options

1. graciously accept the evening invite and go and have a good time (don't buy a new outfit and possibly not a wedding gift especially given the possible costs of accommodation and hen do)

2. Decline the invite and send her a wedding card and a nominal amount of £ and wish her well.

Or option 3, if you don't attend, send her nothing. Why would you?

I wouldn't be getting into silly, PA games like accepting the invitation but then not bothering to show up. Bride is rude, granted, but there is no need to resort to equal rudeness.

I suspect the PPs above are right in their observation that even the evening invitation wasn't issued until the bride was asked. It's probably a fair assumption that you'd been left off the guest list entirely, and that the invitation was issued belatedly to save face.

In the circumstances, a graceful but succinct declining of the invitation - without explanation or embroidering - seems the best course.

Or option 3, if you don't attend, send her nothing. Why would you?

I wouldn't be getting into silly, PA games like accepting the invitation but then not bothering to show up. Bride is rude, granted, but there is no need to resort to equal rudeness

I suspect the PPs above are right in their observation that even the evening invitation wasn't issued until the bride was asked. It's probably a fair assumption that you'd been left off the guest list entirely, and that the invitation was issued belatedly to save face

In the circumstances, a graceful but succinct declining of the invitation - without explanation or embroidering - seems the best course

Agree with all of this. No need to play passive aggressive games back, that just makes you look petty. Politely decline and send a card, thats it. Good grief, you've already spent over £250 on her hen night. You arent obliged to spend any more on gifts. Certainly not on someone who obviously invited you as an after thought. I suspect you were invited to the hen do to keep the costs down for others too and make up the numbers. So rude.

I had 12 people at my wedding! I loved it

There is no way you are not an afterthought here. You dont have a hen event and then send out wedding invitations a few weeks afterwards. The wedding and evening would have been booked way in advance. She only invited you because you asked and is now making excuses about sending you an invite but its much later than everyone else who has already received theirs!

She wasn't planning to even invite you to the evening, thats obvious. It's incredibly rude to expect someone to spend hundreds on a hen event and then not invite them to the wedding. If you're close enough friends to shell out £250 then you should be a close enough friend to get an invite FGS.

Drop her. She's using you. Dont go to the evening, she never wanted you there.

She's not your friend. Given the history, and the fact you were 'good' enough to be at her hen do but not 'good' enough to even know whether or not you were a full day guest, I wouldn't be going to her wedding reception. No questions or drama, just a polite RSVP declining. No need to send a gift either (you're not costing her anything).

Yeah this, and a few other people have said this too. ^

Don't go @Loulou1902 Tell her NOW that you are not going. And as I said before (and many others have said,) give her a wide berth from now on, and then gradually ghost her.

If she asks why you're not going - tell her. Say 'because I am actually pretty pissed off and hurt at not being a good enough friend to you, to be invited to the whole wedding, but at least I know where I stand now eh?' And then block her.

IDGAF if anyone thinks that is a harsh or ridiculous response. I have suffered too many fools and arseholes and people treating me like shit in my lifetime, and I don't tolerate it anymore. If I were the OP, this 'bride-to-be' would have been ghosted and blocked by me already. Like FUCK would I go to her 'night-do,' where all the work colleagues, and neighbours, and acquaintances who mean very little to the bride-to-be will be!

YANBU. She wanted you at the hen do as that's a display of popularity, so she let you believe you'd be invited to the whole thing (along with most of the other hens, I expect). She should have had the decency to tell you you'd only be an evening invite - before - you shelled out for the hen do. I really wouldn't bother going to the evening....

I'd be very annoyed and decline the invitation if i didn't want to go (but then I'm not like other MNetters in that i LOVE weddings, the whole thing)

I thought it was normal to invite people to your hen-do who would be going to the wedding. Asking evening guests before letting them know they are evening guests smacks of wanting the numbers to subsidise your hen party. Very tacky.

If it was me I wouldn't go unless you really value the relationship as not going does send a signal.

You asked why invite you to the hen and baby shower but not the wedding. I'd imagine it's because at the hen and baby shower you are paying for yourself (and her?) whereas for the wedding she's paying for you. You're a good enough friend that she values your company but not so much she wants to pay £100 (or whatever per guest cost is) for it.

Sorry, these things can be very painful.

I wouldnt speak to her about it, but wouldnt be attending either.

Shes shown you she doesnt consider you a good enough friend to be invited to her 'large' wedding (if it was a small intimate affair that would be different) so I would no longer consider her a good enough friend to go to her hen do and wouldn't embarrass myself in front of other friends going that I was only invited to the 2nd tier of the wedding - the evening bit.

I know others would react differently but if you consider her a good friend, this is confirmation that she doesnt feel the same as you.

I can’t understand anyone thinking it’s all fine and good for you to shell out £250 for the hen do, but you’re not valued enough to invite to the whole wedding. I’d be upset too, OP - and I’d be deleting her from the ‘close friends’ list.
Not to mention re-thinking any wedding present I was planning. If they’re wanting cash, I’d be making that a big fat zero.

Another vote for don't go here. God, no.

Don't beg for an invite to the day

Evening - go if you'll enjoy it. Decline if you won't

Friendship - yes it's always horrible to realise someone doesn't feel as close to you as you thought. Suck it up. Keep it to yourself. Re-calibrate the friendship in your own head

I’d accept the evening invite but not go. Fuck her she can pay an extra per head on the evening catering. Don’t send apologies, just be prepared with an excuse afterwards if she asks, such as “oh sorry I’ve been meaning to text you, I was full of cold that weekend”.
In the mean time I’d stop any contact, and if she contacts you just keep it cool and civil. Ie. If she messages suggesting meeting up, reply with “yes we must sort something” but DON’T sort anything. Gradually phase her out and focus your energies on people who reciprocate.

Agree with all of this.

So sorry OP, unfortunately I do agree with the above. I feel really sorry for you, because it does hurt. And I think she should have been a lot more understanding when you were going through it with ex and baby. Focus your time and energy on the people in your life that are your real friends💐

Reading both your posts, it seems like your behaviour in the past, no matter how understandable, means that she's downgraded your friendship. You could accept this invitation with good grace in the hope that you can rebuild your friendship further. Or you could let it drift onwards and perhaps towards more distant if it feels more natural. It's your choice, really.

FML am I reading this right?

You suffered abuse with a 3 mth old in tow and she’s got the hump with you for not responding quickly to texts?

You should have read her the riot act for being the world’s shittest friend for not supporting you better after she found out, and she should be grovelling for her appalling behaviour.

She hasn’t been your friend for some time.

I've re-read your posts, OP. You pissed her off by being too slow to reply to her while you were going through actual trauma?

Find better friends. Sorry, it's a harsh lesson.

you can’t ask her about it vs. If you are friends you should be able to ask her

If this is a good friend who you'd normally discuss things with why is this off limits? Not a coffee summit meeting but a text or phone call? Make it jokey or couch it in a 'sorry, I've offended you' ruse but you can raise the subject surely?

She'd probably say there's a numbers issue or something. It sounds like the friendship has declined and she must know if she was intending not to invite you at all that it would be the end of the friendship. What I don't get is why you were invited to the hen do in that case? What was she like with you then?

Basically, I'd only go to the evening do if there were other friends I wanted to socialise with there, forget the bride.....she's forgotten you!