Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

Re your moment, I think it sounds more like her not being there for you then the other way round. I wouldn't worry about this 'friend' too much. Decide whether you want to go or not and then move on without her. If she values your friendship she can make the effort going forward.

If you go you’ll probably have to buy or contribute to a wedding gift too. Why bother when your so-called friend doesn’t invite you to the ceremony. I would make my excuses to not attend the dinner or whatever it is, and buy something nice for myself instead.

So you're going to be the only one of the long term friends at the hen whose not invited to the wedding?

I would be looking to get a refund on the hen if yes. If that's not possible then I would decide whether to go to the hen or not based on whether it will be fun or not. Don't go to please this twat.

And definitely do not go to the evening do, even if you do go to the hen.

From what you’ve written she sounds quite needy and unforgiving expecting you to let go her not turning up a couple of times but not bothering about you, especially after you divulged that you were being harassed and escaping an abusive relationship with a young baby.

You speak of the damage you created by not being readily available at a very difficult time in your life. It’s truly understandable that you weren’t able to contact her much. Did she try to understand why at the time?

And how do you feel that she went cold after telling her your troubles? That sounds like the opposite of supportive.

Has she ever supported you? Have you always just let things go (like standing you up) when it looks as though she’s not doing the same?

Her priorities have changed.

Personally l wouldn't bother going in your shoes. No doubt you'll be good enough to buy an expensive gift.

I’d be hurt, pissed off and would have to say something.

People can invite whoever they want to their wedding but it’s completely reasonable to assume you are a wedding invitee if you’re at the hen.

Personally, I hate evening invitations. I didn’t have them at my wedding and I always decline them if I receive them from work colleagues.

If it were me I'd be trying to extract myself from the hen and if asked I'd tell her why - that I'd realised we have different ideas about how close our friendship was.

Everyone's right that coffee would be embarrassing. But there's a difference between taking her decision on the chin, and letting her treat you like shit.

So all the other close friends will be there to see the actual marriage. You will only see the wedding post escapades.

You spending £250 is your choice but shows you think more of her than she does of you if all she sees in you is in effect a work colleague or great aunt.

I would be giving her a wide berth. Infact I wouldn't be turning up to the evening do at all.

Be strong and don't take this nonsense. The message will be sent loud and clear by your absence.

I'm going to go against the majority and say I would absolutely ask her what's going on. I wouldn't expect her to change her mind, but clearly something has happened to change her view on your friendship and I'd want to know what that was. It's also really rude to invite someone to your hen do if they're not invited to the full wedding, so not really your choice to spend that without knowing the full picture.

Don't discuss it with her. There is nothing to be gained by doing so and you might be told something you don't care to hear.

But neither would I shell out all that money for an evening-only celebration.

You're not being over-sensitive. Unfortunately it's likely that this isn't the friendship you thought. That always stings - no use pretending it doesn't - but it does mean you can put it into its proper proportion in the future.

Oh my word can so understand why you are upset
This is wrong on so many levels - As someone said evening invites are work collogues, distant cousins etc. Its an unwritten rule everyone at the hen goes to the full wedding ( unless its like a tiny wedding and the bride has clearly told people before the hen)

i would decline the invite straight away and distant myself from her totally. She will be miffed you declined the invite and might reach out to you, but would wait for that to happen and explain how you feel, but for me this would be the end of friendship. I hope your other friends have noticed this too- have you spoken to them

It sounds like she doesn't see you as a close friend. I think I'd dial back on the friendship.

I meant to add in my post, I wouldn’t talk to her about this. She sounds self centred so the person, who will probably get hurt the most is you.

If you do decide to go to the wedding, I would hold your head up high and tell anyone, who asks why you only arrived in the evening, be blasé, that they’ll have to ask the bride. Maybe make it jokey. But you’re here now so let’s have fun.

This. I wouldnt waste any more thought on this at all. You thought you two were good friends, now you have new information that she doesnt see you like that. Expecting someone to shell out £250 on a hen do and no invite to the wedding when it's big and lots of people are going is crazy rude behaviour.

Therefore, I would not go to the evening event. I would not waste any more money or energy on this person. I wouldnt meet for coffee and I wouldnt be snarky about it either. I'd simply send a so sorry we cant make it reply and then I'd drop the rope entirely. Have a great evening doing whatever you want to do and spend the money on yourself instead.

OP, YANBU to feel hurt by this, especially if you're the only one to have been treated differently.

But I can't see how raising this with her is going to help. She's entitled to invite whoever she likes to whatever part of her wedding she decides.

If it really is true that the rest of her close friends have got full day invites and you've only made the B list, I think I would just take that to mean that she doesn't value your friendship as much as you clearly do, and start distancing yourself from her. Don't feel you have to attend the wedding as an evening guest if you don't want to, just say that you can no longer make it. If she questions you about this directly, you could say you understand the fact that you got an evening only invitation to mean that she doesn't consider you to be as close a friend as her other friends, and you feel hurt by this because you considered her to be a close friend, and leave it at that.

I just can't get worked up about what type of invite I get to other people's weddings. You never know what pressures they're under from family to invite the long lost great aunt they've not seen since they were 2 etc.

I tend to think that for some people, wedding planning is brought with family drama and my particular invite is less about how the bride and groom view relationship with me and more about other pressures they are facing.

I get that brides are entitled to make their decisions regarding weddings but guests are also entitled to feel hurt or feel miffed. You can’t stop that. A relation of mine refused a wedding invitation as the children weren’t invited. The bride and her family were up in arms that they wouldn’t pay someone to babysit and witness their princess getting married. Sometimes you can’t have it both ways.

I think that’s perfectly reasonable. I certainly wouldn’t view a wedding invitation as some kind of test of where I stand in someone’s affections, taken by itself.

@Loulou1902

I can see understand why you feel like that,
even though it's tempting too,
do what you consirdering to do,

I would reflect 😔 on that,
and think of how it of how it comes across to her if you decide to meet up with her,

It could be just cause she can only afford a real limited amount at the wedding reception due to inviting family members etc,

And with heavy heart ❤️ she has had to make this decision based on this,

You can't complaint but you have found out where you 'rank' so to speak.

I had the same. A very good friend who was actually one of my bridesmaids. Found out via FB she was getting married - and then saw months later the photos of the wedding! She didn't even invite me!

I did feel more offended by a very good friend years ago inviting me to her hen which cost £300 (that was in 2002!!!) and then when it came to the wedding she only invited me and not my fiance! So I had to travel 300miles to go to a wedding on my own. Really wish I'd actually not gone. Whole thing cost me a fortune and she clearly wasn't that arsed about our friendship.

I just wouldn't go.

Actually reflecting on this myself i think 🤔 its could be a case of she just doesn't see you as much of valued friend as her other friends,

Up to you if you want to attend the evening wedding reception @Loulou1902

I wouldn’t go and decline the invitation.

I think evening invites only really work in select circumstances. Ie work colleagues that you both really like but due to the sheer numbers you wouldn’t be able to pay for all of them to attend/capacity restrictions (or they wouldn’t even be all able to attend anyway depending on the day/work cover etc).

I think in those circumstances everyone understands exactly why it’s an evening invite and appreciates the offer, then it’s up to them whether they attend or not.

An evening invite to someone you’ve invited on a hen do is really quite rude.

I wouldn’t make it a big drama, I’d just decline and make plans for that day. But I would step back from the friendship, especially with what else you’ve described.

I don’t think you were invited at all until you asked tbh. Then she felt obliged to give an evening invite.
Yanbu to be upset and I wouldn’t go.

Your partner left you and your 3month old and she was annoyed you didn’t reply to her texts.
You were possibly a last minute addition to the hen do which then cost you £250
She doesn’t turn up to invites from you because she ‘forgot’
You have passed on baby clothes to her because you think she’s struggling.

If she’s struggling she wouldn’t be having a big wedding
If she cared she would’ve been there for you during a very difficult time, you wouldn’t be a last minute addition, she wouldn’t forget your invites and have the courtesy to send you a wedding invite before the hen do or at least before you had to contact her.

She sounds like a user
Not sure I’d be that bothered with her.

Haven’t read everything, but maybe you were on the reserve list for the whole day which is why your invite is late?

Whilst I understand your feelings, I wouldn’t discuss it with her as it’s her wedding and her (their) choice who they invite. Guest lists are always a nightmare for weddings as they are so expensive. We only had a small number at our wedding and no doubt pissed a lot of people off!