Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

But how does that account for the fact the OP was the only long term friend not invited?

You’d be surprised! I’m paying £190 just for accomodation for two nights and then looking at between £10-£20 for all additional activities on top and looking at anywhere between 3/5 activities some of which include food and some don’t! Then we are probably going to end up paying for at least one meal, and any drinks we wish to take additionally and the petrol
costs of getting to the location (I am car sharing with two friends, but I am obviously going to contribute to a tank of petrol).
I am under no illusion that the cost will be in excess of £250. Hen dos simply aren’t often nights out anymore, and involve expensive activities. I’m about to take on planning one of my own! I feel sick at the thought!

You're not being over sensitive. You shouldn't try to discuss it. She has made her decision about the level of guest she wants you to be and I see no point in a conversation that at best would result in her upgrading you against her wishes (would you really want to be there because you'd shamed her into it?) and at worst would be embarrassing and leave you in the same position. All you can really do is take note, you are not as close to her as you thought and with that in mind, decide how much you want to invest going forward.

I’m angry for you! Just stick a tenner in a card like an evening guest would or not gift at all or don’t turn up at all. That’d be the nail in the coffin for my friendship. And I’d RSVP last minute letting her chase it and reply that you’re still unsure if you’re free or not.
I understand if money is tight and it’s immediate family etc, but a friend that goes to the hen party is a day guest in my opinion!

Hahaha this has been my thinking thus far! I’m a mega nosy cow and I just know it’s going to be one hell of a bridezilla moment when she realises she will only be needing a taxi not a minibus 🫢

I would be hurt too OP. I think that you either go and (suck up the cost) or chat to her in a low-key way. Perhaps she would like to invite you to the day but can't for some reason. Or maybe she is being a bit self-absorbed. I think that if she wanted you to attend the hen do at great expense, then she should invite you to the whole day. I find weddings a bit boring if I don't know lots of people , so I would only go to the evening do if there were lots of people i knew who I could have fun with.

I would definitely step back. Sounds like you have never not been a good friend. I would pass on your old baby clothes to someone else too and create a bit of distance. She has made her feelings clear and I would also be very hurt. Doesn't sound like she deserves you as a friend x

Ahhh mate.. just read your posts.

Its run its course, so don't worry about spending any more time or money on the wedding. Wish her the best day but take a step back gracefully. Who knows what else she has going on.

Take care of yourself and do something nice on that day instead.

I get that. It was the implication — or indeed statement from some posters — that the OP had therefore ‘wasted’ the £250 on the hen do that I was questioning.

If you are close enough that you were invited to the hen do then it's totally reasonable to assume that you are invited to the wedding.

This.

She’s not a friend, shes a user and she’s only a friend when there is something in it for her.

I think she was in the wrong years ago as she blamed you when you needed support, didn’t support you even when you explained the situation to her and just sent one line abrupt replies when you reached out to her.

She has shown you how little you mean to her.

I started reading this thinking that you absolutely should not have coffee with her or try and discuss with her, why you’re only invited as an evening guest as it’s her decision and would be inappropriate to question it.

However having read your posts, the petty part of me thinks you totally should do this, but only to make her feel uncomfortable. On balance I don’t really think you should try and discuss it with her as I think you should act in a more dignified manner and just decline the invite, stop giving her baby clothes and spend your time with better friends.

Please decline the evening invite - she clearly doesn’t value your friendship of 18 years and distance yourself from her. She’s not being transparent about something it seems.

It would be pointless to meet and discuss it. Even if she did then invite you to the ceremony you would feel uncomfortable and like you were not really welcome. I can understand you are hurt. If it is going to really bother you then just decline and make an excuse. If you would like to go to the evening then do so. I would mentally though be making a note that she doesn't consider you in the same way you see her. You can then act accordingly.

I don't think you're great friends... I think you're a convenient friend to her. She doesn't put you in the same bracket as you have her. I'd keep my feelings to myself if I were you OP and just either politely decline or don't turn up. She used you for numbers and then as an afterthought. I'd keep my counsel and move on. Sorry OP xx

I can understand how you feel! Yes it’s her choice but it is sad that she has let you down and she doesn’t class you as a close friend.

At Both my daughter’s weddings, there were guest's. We arranged the weddings for late afternoon, which went on till the evening. I really think it’s better to invite just a few more guests to the actual wedding! And not make such a big thing for an evening event!
I wouldn’t dream of saying to family or friends, you can just come to an evening do!

It's her choice, and asking about it will only make it weirder.

For whatever reason, she doesn't hold the friendship in the same esteem as you do. Maybe the "moments" of the past few years have had more of an impact than you thought?

I don't think you are being oversensitive but you are looking at the friendship differently from her. For you, she's a close friend, for her, you are a friend she's known for a long time. There is a difference between those feelings.

Good friends understand when you are under personal stress and because of life issues, you have little time for them. They'll be there for you but leave you alone until you are emotionally ready to talk and engage with them again. Don't overthink you were somehow responsible for this - you were not.

I have no advice except to accept the fact that you are more invested in her friendship than she is.

As much as I agree with the first paragraph they have different views of the friendship but it doesn’t mean they aren’t friends, I do disagree strongly with the rest of it.

you are trying to blame this woman for the op going distant, and not hanging on waiting for her. Insinuating she isn’t a hood friend as she didn’t. Despite the fact they are friends again.

during this time things have evolved and she has become closer to others and more distant with the op. This isn’t something she’s done wrong. They were distant for a year and then no contact for another, and only been in touch for 18 months,

my personal view is expecting to be her bestie and close friend as before like it never happened is incredibly unrealistic. The op is not entitled to that and the woman is permitted to habe agency in her own life.

Absolutely this. The other friends in the group will not feel so awkward if they think OP is coming to the evening. The bride will think she's being generous inviting her to the evening.

Cancelling on the day with a "Stomach bug" makes very little difference financially to the bride but means that OP doesn't have her lowered status rubbed in her face.

From what the OP has said the bride isn't empathetic but slowly realises the impact of her actions. She may in time come to appreciate that not giving a full invite to someone who has put themselves out to attend your hen isn't great behaviour. Whether the OP is prepared to rebuild the relationship again is up to her.

I'm not blaming anyone, I was answering the OP's second post. Real friends understand difficult times when we can't talk or answer texts because we are spent emotionally. The OP shouldn't blame herself for causing damage to the friendship when she was dealing with an abusive ex who had thrown her and her baby out of their home.

The facts point to an unbalanced friendship. As I said, the OP is more invested in it than her friend, and the proof is the wedding invitation.

I personally don't get/understand evening only invites and have never been to one, nor have I been invited to one either as all my friends are married now. I think if I ever got married I'd have a wedding with no evening invites option at all. I'm also not into cash bars etc but then I'm naturally generous and think certain rules are a bit silly and unfair to others. The last friends I know to get married had a smaller wedding as it was lockdown and she is more of a NDN than a friend anyway.

It is strange though how friendships ebb and flow and change over the years though and in theory you can invite anyone you like to any part of the wedding.

As @SabreIsMyFave and @ZipZapZoom have nailed it, the bride is self centred inviting you to the hen do and not to the wedding and not telling you beforehand she hasn't invited you to the main wedding.

The thing is now you have a few choices:

• Go to the evening wedding and say nothing, you'll probably feel resentful though of not going to the main wedding.
• Go to the evening wedding and say something beforehand, bride will probably feel pissed at you, you'll have said your piece, your friendship may not survive or it could survive but be on shaky ground or ok, depending on how both of you handle it.
• Not go at all and say nothing
• Not go at all and say something

If you do the last 2 bullets, you risk drama. Adding a bridezilla into that mix isn't going to end well, and you'll look like bad guy for starting drama, she won't and her behaviour will be excused.

You also want to think if you want to end 18 years of friendship or not as despite what happened over when you broke up with your ex and had a baby and weren't in contact with her (personally I think 2-3 weeks not texting someone is awful, just to let them know you're ok is nice/good but I can sort of see why you might not do this). From her POV, she might've always have felt a bit off with you over that time but never said anything.

You might also be the type (a bit like me) who blows up and calms down (has only been in recent years and was a pushover in my teens and 20s, less so in 20s) so she's never felt comfortable bringing this time up with you.

You also say you're a close friend rather than a best friend. Not saying that's right her delegating you to the evening wedding because of this, because it isn't but I used to class certain friends I got on with/was closer to as 'best' rather than 'close'. Now someone died when we were both in our early 30s, I'd seen her as more of a 'close' than 'best' friend but she always called me her 'best' friend, and I realise now, she actually was my 'best' friend (but I had a few others, as people tend to do).

Anyway you have a bit to think about, hope you get it sorted out with preferably as least drama as possible.

You've put it far more succinctly than I have! Real friends are so much more understanding I agree and are worth more than diamonds.

Personally, I don't think I would want to go. The costs for any clothing, travel, a gift etc., PLUS having to pay for a decent meal would just make me feel it wasn't worth it. I would feel strange being the only long-term friend invited just for the evening.

I would send regrets and a card with no gift. Going to her hen do was enough of a gift.

Well £250 is a huge amount to shell out on something to support a friend who then doesn't even want you there when she's saying her vows.

It's entitled CF behaviour