Poor relation in the family... I want to show them my lovely children are just as good😥

[Primroseoil]

My mothers side of the family grew up to all be very affluent.. My father was a heavy drinker in the 80s & my mother worked very hard to keep things afloat but we were very poor.
I went off the rails in my teens but got on track in my 20s.
Now I'm married with three lovely children but my own families legacy has never left & we are still viewed as the poor, uneducated relations.

We see these cousins at gatherings etc that I attend with my mum, they still look at us in destain..
I am motivated now to show them that my children are every bit as good.
Any advice is appreciated but please be kind😊

That's what social media is for, no?

Comparison is the thief of joy. You know what you have achieved and have a lovely family. See the cousins for what they are if they look at you with distain.

You don't have to prove yours or your lovely children's worth to anyone. If these relatives can't see past the end of their noses and choose to be judgemental based on the distant past that reflects on them not you. Surround you and your little family with people who put the effort in to get to know you and who you enjoy spending time with. Turn up at family events if you want to, smile, be pleasant and then leave after an appropriate time. Don't waste a second trying to prove yourself to people who have already dismissed you- it's a waste of precious time and energy.

Never seek the approval of assholes.

Are they actually looking at you in distain or could you be projecting how your think they feel about you and your family? It seems quite unlikely that all your cousins as adults are looking at you in distain?

I honestly don’t know why you care what these people think of you. You won’t change their minds and using your kids to try and impress them does your kids a huge disservice. Why go anywhere where people look at you with disdain? Life is short, childhood is very short, spend your time with people who appreciate you and lift you up.

Thanks for the kind replies, I really appreciate them. It just seems to me like they are just waiting for history to repeat itself for my children.
Two are very good at a particular extracurricular, they have never been congratulated, all that's been said to dh & I is "that will get very expensive down the line & they may have knock it on the head then" automatically assuming we wouldn't be able to afford it...

If they are looking at you with disdain then they're not worth trying to impress!

You don't need their approval I know a lot of what you are feeling will be ingrained but you don't have to show them anything.

They definitely are & at my kids. I see them from time to time as I need to bring my mum to family gatherings, funerals etc.. But it's always to same, we are the poor relations & always will be..

I think you just say oh well we have that covered the dc are really looking forward to the future doing "the thing" .

You are on a hiding to nothing trying to impress them in any way ... you've already said that their only comment on your child's success was "that will get expensive".

It is unlikely that they are really paying any attention to what you and yours are doing, and if they are looking to find fault they will ... even about the amount of time they spend on activities!

Be quietly proud of yourself and your children,

I don't think it's within your power to change how they view you tbh.

You don't seem to think much of them, so don't worry so much about impressing them. Just carry on focussing on what's important.

OR you could just say oh that definitely isn't a worry for us ! And ask after their children in the same fashion . I know it's petty and passive aggressive but meh you said they look down on you anyway.

You will never impress them. Your role in their life is to be what they consider less well off.

Be a happy family unit around them. Because a loving family is what matters more.

Your children will sense your anxiety and insecurity and will gradually realize you are trying to impress your extended family. They are in danger of getting the impression that you are ashamed of them and of your life. I wouldn't work on trying to prove anything to your relatives, I would work on your own sense of inadequacy and willingness to be around people who don't accept you and your need to impress them.and get their approval.

You'll never prove that they are better by trying to prove it. They'll just decide that you're trying to "keep up with the Jones'", and find it to be a lower-class behaviour that you're trying to impress them and prove your worth.

Spend less time with people who make you feel less than. Spend more time doing the things that make you happy. Don't try and prove anything to anyone. Your children will be more than fine without them.

Thanks everyone, I have talked to my mum about it endlessly who said "whatever you do or you'll achieve they'll never let you get above your station"...

I think they still view me as the teen who went off the rails with the poor alcoholic father even though I'm mid 40s now..

I think it is time to stop worrying about what they think. Please don't pass this onto your children.

And can you afford it?

My response to remarks like that would have been "good job we're in a position to afford it"

People who turn their nose up at you probably aren't actually in that gooder financial position I find. The ones who shout the loudest about something be it their wealth, happiness or relationship are usually extending the truth somewhat and make themselevs feel better by putting others down.

As others have said comparrison is the thief of joy. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. People like this honestly aren't worth the energy. Even if you are as wealthy and sucessful as them or become more so, they'll still find a way to put you down.

You’re likely right that they’ll never change their view. Several relatives are still somewhat snooty with me at family funerals - the kid (one of) the drug addled violent alcoholics.

If they have that mindset ingrained nothing will change it and it’s a waste of time trying because they’ll alway find a negative point to focus on.

They don’t matter. Day-to-day they really don’t matter.

We can, DH has a very good job & I work part time.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it though.. They still view my lovely children as "lesser" than there's due to my chaotic upbringing.. My mother worked so hard for us but my siblings & I plus our offsprings are seen as the uncultured black sheep..

Why seek the approval of an extended family that didn’t love or help you and your mum when you needed them? I’d be angry and resentful if their abandonment and judgement. Aresholes.

You must move on. You must.

I am the poor one. My sister is a highly flying well paid career and was my parents’s golden child- brought a house, car etc
I got nothing. My career is well paid, I worked hard and wasn’t supported - but I’m not her. I got nothing from my parents.

I have two children both very able and bright and lovely. My parents have very little if anything to do with us. My sister has one son - the golden child. It’s all X has done this, X has been here, X has met David Attenborough etc. Never asked after mine.

My sister was stunned and I mean stunned when my eldest won a double scholarship to a top independent school. Her son had not passed the exam for the school they wanted him to go to - she was absolutely in a rage - son was about 11 then. My sister kept saying but how did yours get in to …. School - a top, top private school. She was horrified. That was when they 11, he child is now 15 and we haven’t spoken to them for years, their choice but I know that his entire life and I mean that is organised by sister. Monday to Friday he goes to a private school and has three hours of tutoring each day. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he is playing sports they organise. Every Saturday afternoon is more tutoring and he is allowed Sunday afternoon / evening off. I am not judging but that not what I want for my children, but since the independent school incident she won’t ‘let him fail’ or ‘humiliate her’ those are her words again.

We don’t have much money at all. Literally not got two beans to rub together. But what they have is a desire to learn, they read and they are loved and supported. But I honestly don’t mind if they go to university or travel - no pressure.

Also because they never asked they was no pressure and I never said anything. For example my sister said when her son was 9, oh X won a silver in a maths challenge and we congratulated him and my sister was insisting on celebration lunch for him etc and I can remember mine getting home and saying ‘Mummy why didn’t you tell her I won gold in the same competition’ and we talked them about comparison and not taking away from others etc and when mine was doing GCSEs and got straight level 9 we said nothing. We celebrated as our little family and told friends that asked but we didn’t ring my parents or my sister to let them know.
We literally don’t speak to them now - as since before the independent school scholarship my sister could barely contain her venom and disdain saying ‘how did yours get in? Did you apply as underprivileged background or something etc’

Distance yourself completely and focus on you and your little family. Money does not mean to are a nice person or that you aren’t prone to mental health issues. If you can flip it in your head - pity them that they judge people without knowing them and that they miss out of your lovely children. It must be exhausting for them looking down on everyone all the time.

I would rather my children live with me in our house, with Guinea pigs and Labradors and mess and cheap days put in the local park than going from one tutor to the next and every single test they do examined and being told over and over that he is a ‘failure’ and has embarrassed me etc.
If mine screw up they are told ok - what did you learn, did anyone get hurt, how do we make it right etc not have it pinned on the wall as a reminder. (My sister did / his rejection letter was put on the fridge to remind him).

Everyone chooses how they parent but it honestly sounds like your children are so much better of not having any contact and learning to judge others so disdainfully.