Poor relation in the family... I want to show them my lovely children are just as good😥

[Primroseoil]

My mothers side of the family grew up to all be very affluent.. My father was a heavy drinker in the 80s & my mother worked very hard to keep things afloat but we were very poor.
I went off the rails in my teens but got on track in my 20s.
Now I'm married with three lovely children but my own families legacy has never left & we are still viewed as the poor, uneducated relations.

We see these cousins at gatherings etc that I attend with my mum, they still look at us in destain..
I am motivated now to show them that my children are every bit as good.
Any advice is appreciated but please be kind😊

Agree, I never see any relatives, never give it a moments thought. My daughter is an only child, has never met any of my relatives, she is none the poorer for it I can assure you.

Agree with others, you can't make people think anything. They can think what they want. Spend the effort you were going to on making them think you are ok/worthy on changing your mindset to one that isn't bothered.

What other people think of me is none of my business is an oft used quote but an apt one. As is "thoughts aren't facts" and that applies to you and your family.

Just stop seeing them - your mum will have to find someone else to take her to funerals (there can't be that many) and the other occasions why does she want to be there if they are so awful?

So the best thing you can do for your kids is to break the cycle , you are currently perpetuating it - do you want them to feel inferior as well?

The family gatherings sound like a painful experience for you and I get the desire to change things. But I wonder if your plans will lead to repeat of history unless you focus less on others and more on yourself,(something it is hard to do as the child in a family system that's holding addiction in its history)?

How do you know they actually feel disdainful and it's not just your interpretation?

Also, this is a huge amount of pressure on your kids to "show" they are every bit as good.

Your poor poor nephew. His ghastly mother put his rejection letter on the fridge? And makes him do 3 hours tutoring every day on top of going to school?

When does he get to do fun things, see his friends or just chill?

I'm wondering whether there's a cycle here.

You are determined to show that you are as good as them.
In doing that, you come across to them as showing off.
They respond with either a put down or their achievements.
You feel they think they're above you so you want to show you're as good as them...

Dh has a relative who If anything we do/our DC do is mentioned, however lightly they immediately start talking over us with their/their DC's achievements.
There are times it gets silly.
Me: Next year ds will be walking to school. It's about an hour so...
Them: (interrupting) Ds did a walk in July up Pendal hill. It was so amazing everyone couldn't believe that an 8yo could walk so well. On the way down one of the tour guides said they would remember him forever the the most amazing natural walking technique they'd ever seen...

I haven't worked out if they are jealous of us (I'd say we are fairly equal but just do different things), think we should be jealous of them, or simply don't like anyone else except them being talked about.

Me and dh tend to internally roll our eyes and move onto another subject, mostly because the constant monologue gets boring very quickly. They may take that as us thinking we're ignoring their achievements I suppose though.

That's their issue and their loss not yours. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to change the mind of small minded individuals like that.

It is so uncomfortable when there is continuing competition within families especially with a lack of compassion. I would absolutely distance yourself from it and do not allow your kids to be engaged. If they ask how they are - they’re doing great, growing up quickly, have a good head on their shoulders etc. No details, and nothing for them to latch on to. I would also work on your self image in regards to them. You and your mother are survivors, hard workers, have seen the depths of yourselves and are to be admired for that. Your family may have excelled but they probably can’t say the same. I wouldn’t try to be like them - you aren’t but you are by no means lesser and your children will be the better for it.

When met with similar I rather enjoy playing up to the perceived stupid and poor jibes. Just go along with it , get the comments in before they do. It you get really good at the game they end up being the ones who say how great you are instead of bringing you down. It’s lots of fun.

My favourite recent situation was me rocking up in an expensive car which was purchased with cash, to match the other very expensive car that we also own and then being incredibly confused and assuming we’d won the lottery. Errrr no, we both have decent jobs and have a fair amount of disposable income to enjoy ourselves. Clueless 🤣

I think your mum is feeding you this script full of negativity and you’re taking it on. You need to be very careful you don’t pass it on to your own kids.

Re the extra-curriculars: well if it’s something like gymnastics or horse-riding, it’s just a thing people say. I’ve had those conversations myself with friends. Those activities do get expensive as you continue with them. Is it that kind of comment?

For your own benefit, I would stop having those conversations with your mum: just tell her all the negativity is bad for your self-esteem. Maybe you could do some work on yourself to counter the damage she has done so you can get to a point of not caring what others think (if they even think those things). Good luck!

You can't change other people, but you absolutely can change your own mindset. Don't waste your life seeking the approval of others, and please don't pass your insecurities onto your children. A lot of this has come from your mother passing her issues onto you.

From another perspective @Primroseoil, due to a school scholarship, I am (for want of a better description) the well educated and now "rich" relative in the family. I have been ostracised by some of them because they believe I think I'm better than them. I don't, I love my family and only ever wanted to feel wanted and included. I've come to realise you can't change other people, only how you react to them. So I will give you the advice I give myself... concentrate on the people who love you, your husband and your children, and as for the rest of them.. Fuck 'em!

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Decades of dealing with people like this - there is only one way in my experience, and that is a very cool brief greeting and do not engage at all.
Bragging or trying to prove you are worthy will come across as desperate and sad, and consolidate your junior position. Grey rock and no engagement is by far the best move. Let them know they are not worth your time and enjoy yourself with other family members.

They will continue to put you down whatever you do. You won’t win this game unless you refuse to play it op.

I can understand the need to prove that but you don't need to. They don't seem like nice people to view you so poorly. You don't need their validation.

OP i get it honestly. My sisters and family are the same. They had the good jobs and nice family units. I was the young single parent who struggled financially, and didn’t own a property whilst they did. They genuinely believed my son would be a lazy good for nothing problem as well. They still look down and me as the problem child even though I earn far more than they do, my son is a senior team member at a pharmaceutical firm and I’m in a fab relationship and we own a lovely house! I’ve given up caring and speaking to them and I’m so much happier being surrounded by people who care for me and my family - I get why you feel like you do but honestly it isn’t worth the heartache

Thanks everyone, I have talked to my mum about it endlessly who said "whatever you do or you'll achieve they'll never let you get above your station"...
it’s honestly unlikely that your relatives think into things this much and if they do they aren’t worth paying attention to anyway. Their comments on not being able to afford might have been based on their own experience!

OP blood is not thicker than water. Why are turning up these gatherings? Why would you want to spend any time with people who make you feel like shit, because of their own snobbery and prejudices, why? Of what benefit is this to you and the wonderful and happy family you have created for yourself self? And why would you want to expose your own innocent children to such bullshit family dynamics? Because these people are your “blood”?. This is awful.

You have zero to prove to these people. They don’t care about you and your children. Why are you turning up
at these gatherings? You have already been through so much you should be surrounding yourself with people who care about you.

Just set yourself free and stop this from becoming a generational trauma for your kids. Let this drama end with you.

I refuse to be hurt or upset by people who's opinions I don't respect. Eyeroll inwardly and tell yourself "So glad I am me and not you" then don't give it any more headspace.

As the child of another 'poor side of the family' (who were also viewed as far more better off/leisurely growing up due to living cheap rentals while they lived in expensive-maintence-not-included private homes, & state schools while they paid subsidised private school fees, alcohol & socialising ect.)

I feel for you...

BUT there's not much you can do. These people have it ingrained into themselves that they'll never be as free & easy as you even before the reality that your poorer then them fuels it further.

Dont put your kids in that environment & if you really want to get back at them live it up, make a big deal about your kids hobbys & if they mention anything about costs just laugh & say "I don't worry about money these days, you know me"
Ect.

If you have to prove yourself to these people then they aren’t worth a second thought. You know what you’ve over come and how happy your little family is. It doesn’t matter one tiny bit what anyone else thinks of you, family or not.

People can have all the money, cars and material things in the world and still not be happy and content on the inside. Don’t compare yourself to these people. Focus on making your world the happiest little place it can be and ignore the white noise from outside of it.

I was the black sheep. Wild quit school, off the rails as a teen. By 22 I had found a very good job I'm still at 27 years later. One relative said to a inlaw who was under my supervision I cannot believe Komodo has a good job at such a place and is your supervisor you should have seen her at 15. I at first was hurt when it got back to me but it is sort of true really. Be happy let your happy life speak for itself.

Just give up with them and enjoy your family without negative stress.

Ive always been looked down on, as a child with cousins i didnt get it, then as a teenager it got more obvious. I applied for uni and at a gathering they were told, they laughed at me and said didnt you mean the college there?, when i got a good job they responded that i shouldn't copy my CV off google 😂😂 thing is, with these people, you could be the next einstein, cure a plague and they will still find a way to put you down or dismiss it 😅

When i find judgement too much i just go in my bubble. I love my life, love my kids, my family. That is a blessing and more then enough i focus on the joy i have. Tbh they probably are so preoccupied with the material stuff they don't get to relish in what they have..to me thats miserable so i am already richer and better off in my overdraft then they are with a million 😂 theres more then one way to be rich in life x

Hi @Primroseoil I think you aren't seeing the big picture.

There is nothing to prove. You have nothing to live up to. You don't have to prove anything to vile people like that. Just be you, and be happy in your own skin.

By their actions towards your side of the family, these relatives are proving beyond any doubt that you, your mum and your dc are far, far better people than they will ever be. Who cares what they think? Their opinions are essentially worthless.

You can go about your day totally secure in the knowledge that you and your dc are way more than good enough. Next time you see them, smile inwardly and hold onto that thought. They are not worth it. You are a far better person than they will ever be.

Fuck 'em. 😎

Thanks everyone who replied I'm going to read back on all the messages in the morning 😊

We see these cousins at gatherings etc that I attend with my mum, they still look at us in destain

I think in showing up, being kind in the face of their snobbery and showing off your lovely kids who are clearly a credit to you, is the absolute best way you can show them. But I think it would be better if you were more secure in who you are now and didn’t feel the need to prove anything.