Poor relation in the family... I want to show them my lovely children are just as good😥

[Primroseoil]

My mothers side of the family grew up to all be very affluent.. My father was a heavy drinker in the 80s & my mother worked very hard to keep things afloat but we were very poor.
I went off the rails in my teens but got on track in my 20s.
Now I'm married with three lovely children but my own families legacy has never left & we are still viewed as the poor, uneducated relations.

We see these cousins at gatherings etc that I attend with my mum, they still look at us in destain..
I am motivated now to show them that my children are every bit as good.
Any advice is appreciated but please be kind😊

@KeepingItUnderTheRadar @HoppingPavlova this is exactly the type of advice I need too. So keep it coming.

Another perspective... you could be snooty with them if you wanted. Look how far you've come, without their advantages? You've done far better, if you wanted to go down the comparison route. How we feel all depends on the story we tell ourselves. Change what you're telling yourself. You've nothing to feel inferior for.

@Goddessonahighway I would love to have the confidence to be able to do this tbh!

Op - my advice: as others have said you are never going to win, they will never consider you good enough. Even if you all ended up on the Honour Roll & feted by the so-called Great & Good they would always find ways to look down their noses.

They have put you in a box and have no interest in taking you out. Listen to your mum! She is right. They will look at you only to find things which reinforce their prejudice.

That is thing about snobbery. Even the Royal family are looked down upon by other aristocrats for not being royal enough...

Ignore them & be happy in your own lives. It will free you all.

They do sound like horrible people though, don't they. As PPs have pointed out, they didn't help out when they could have done, when your mum was struggling. They clearly have a fixed idea of your place in life and they have no intention of changing their view. They don't care how well your kids are doing and how nice they are, they absolutely will not notice that. They might notice your making grammar mistakes and thinking less of you because of it, but why do you care what they think of you?

How do you view them? Do you actually see them as worthy, lovely people who deserve things to go well for them? Because I don't. I don't think they're worth your time and effort. Be more selective in the people you surround yourself by; your children deserve that, don't they? You're worth more than that, look how far you've come by your own efforts, and they could not care less.

If op really is looking for this sort of guidance as to social currency, then Pedants Corner is a friend...Also, decent UK etiquette guides.

But none of this will lead to her mothers family accepting her & her children as equals. They're not interested in amending their prejudices.

You have got very good advice. Trying to impress other people is a complete mental health wrecking ball. I would really urge you to seek counselling so that you can channel your energy into your kids being happy, content and well adjusted.

This is definitely not the kind of thing you need to be spending your energy on.

With your mother's reply you mentioned above it seems she has this view that she and you and your family are lesser and she has passed this on to you.

I bet the cousins don't even give this a second thought and it's your own insecurities reinforced by your mother's take on things. I wonder if one of your cousins is reading this and wouldn't even recognise it as themselves simply because they don't think this way and don't realise that this is your belief

It all boils down to you can't change them. If they are snobby and look down on you, whatever you do won't be good enough. And if it's not that and instead it's how you feel about yourself and you're projecting onto them, again it's not about changing them. You've hit the nail on the head - it's about confidence. Chip away on that negative self view. Think about the way you talk to yourself. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself. Your childhood isn't your doing and nobody worth listening to would judge you for it.

Massive squishes @Primroseoil but why do you care so much about the views of people you aren’t even that close to and see from ‘time to time’.

know your worth. Work on your mindset.

Why are you giving this people and their real or perceived views any of your precious time to worry over?

you are wasting your life on perceived slights that they probably don’t even realise they are making.

Maybe look into therapy for yourself so you can leave behind these worries and just get on and enjoy your life and your fabulous children.

You are not what other people think of you.

But to answer your question, just make sure they have impeccable manners (this is a life skill that’s great for them long term anyway), and if they feel slighted encourage them to take the high road. Remember that status is based on what you have, class is based on who you are.

Don't put this pressure on your children.

They're not here to be 'successful' in place of you.

Just let them live their lives and they'll turn out however they will.

However they turn out won't make any difference to how these people view you and yours anyway, so save yourself and your kids the heartache.

Yes she absolutely has this inferiority complex too. I remember growing up & grumbling how much her siblings were "obsessed with education & good schools" for their dc.. Often refer to my cousins as a "in a different league" & to take no notice of them..

Of course your kids are just as good!

But please, OP, don't place the burden on your children of proving a point to family whose opinion is frankly worthless in any case. If they're looking down on you, their opinion doesn't matter. You don't have to compete with them, you don't have to prove anything to them.

Just focus on your own kids and helping them to be the very best that they can be, on their terms. They get to define what good looks like for them.

And if extended family want to make shitty comments about your children, consider whether it is worth investing any further time or effort in these relationships. Neither you nor your children need to be defined by what they think of you.

Therapy helped me massively to realise the tough times were reactive, not innate.

I wonder if this might help as what helped me was getting to Uni so I wasn't the thick lazy clumsy fat child- helped more when there finding out I did have dyslexia and dyspraxia and later found I was ND - so perhaps why I can struggled with small talk and some social activities. Also met DH so idea I was so ugly and unattractive realised was also bullshit. So life was teaching me the labels and preconceptions were bullshit or weren't "my" fault.

20 + years ago family funeral my Uncle was a fawning all over my DH and subtly putting me down - and being so grateful DH could see that and not want a bar of it. Recent funeral Uncle was trying to shit stir- I complete ignored it but was pleased rest of family viewed him as a problem and were nothing but polite and welcoming to me.

Your children will undoubtedly be a credit to you. You have nothing to prove, no comparison, nothing. Raise 3 wonderful children and let them show the world how incredible they are at the hands of their mum breaking generational curses.

@Mammma91 thank you so much for your kind words😊

So did I, and I’m glad someone has pointed it out, and the OP has taken it in good faith.

I do think this isn't perhaps your cousins perpetuating this and making you feel inferior but your own mother.

Oh, just surprise them as life rolls on and your DC get good results, good uni places, good jobs. If it matters to you to prove stuff to them, work on resolving that issue. (Or get your grade 8 DC to sit down at a piano at a family gathering some time. )

They don't sound great but equally the voice in the back of your head does sound partly what you've inherited....

I get that, I have a very chippy voice in mine that i have to review at least...and ensure that its my view and perspective....my mum inherited hers.... As her parents were a social mismatch for want of a better expression and she repeated that ...just in a different way ..and I often have to realise whose opinion etc is important

Some therapy may help you manage that inner voice to realise how far you've come and its not as important to you as it was for your mum ... But also not to put the pressure on your dc....

Any kid may being doing well... But equally stuff happens that can change a path especially in sport related stuff it can be quite a pressure on the kids

@Primroseoil how wonderful that you turned your life around, I really congratulate you just for that! I really hope you enjoy the lovely family you've created. You've got nothing to prove to anyone at all. You just need to distance yourself as much as possible from these bigotted, judgy relatives.
I actually went NC with one of my sisters after her daughter, a privately educated only child told my 5 DD's that they were her "peasant cousins". They asked her what she meant and she said well, that's what Mummy and Daddy call you! Really not her fault but no way was I having my darling girls subjected to that kind of insult. Incidentally they're all grown up now. I've heard my niece is living and working in Australia now [about as far away as she can get from her parents.] My "peasant" daughters did alright though didn't they - absolutely lovely, decent, genuine girls with big careers and interesting lives making a difference to the world. Chin up tits out OP!!!

@Primroseoil

@HoppingPavlova
Maybe show that your kids know the difference between distain (spelt correctly) and disdain? You may think I’m being an arsehole but I’m not, you are asking how to show, to your wealthy and educated family, that your kids are every bit as good as they are. These are the sort of things that will cause people to snigger and have a ‘yep, just as we thought’ mentality when you make these kinds of missteps in speech or when writing to your family on social media.

I remember an English teacher from my comprehensive school secondary class who made a similar point. He was saying that some people will judge your background and overall intelligence on how you pronounce things like Goethe or Don Quixote, for example. He made our lessons fun as well as informative and encouraged all of us to take an interest for ourselves, not only because of the curriculum and not just in his class but others too, including expanding reading in our personal time. He is one of the teachers I still remember fondly decades after leaving school, including my maths teacher who had an uphill job trying to make me see the logic of maths. 🌹

This post resonates with me so much.

OP, your children are not there to be shown off, not to 'make up' for what you feel was lacking in your family growing up. They are people in their own right and are free to be whatever they are going to be - with your support.

What you family thinks is neither here nor there and I suspect you meet them with the mantle of 'poor relation' hanging around you like a bad smell. Your family picks up on this and carries on treating you the way you expect to be treated.

Just stop doing that. Hold your head up high, treat your children the way you would have wanted to be treated yourself - and don't allow anybody else to do different.

I don't think you should carry this around anymore. Just be yourselves and be happy with the outcomes your children have. No one knows what good or bad choices their children will make growing up or if scandal will find them.
They don't sound like the sort of family who would ever be proud and pleased for you anyway even if your child won 3 golds at the Olympics.
Just take your DM to any events be polite and go. I am sure they would hear of any achievements through family gossip anyway.