Poor relation in the family... I want to show them my lovely children are just as good😥

[Primroseoil]

My mothers side of the family grew up to all be very affluent.. My father was a heavy drinker in the 80s & my mother worked very hard to keep things afloat but we were very poor.
I went off the rails in my teens but got on track in my 20s.
Now I'm married with three lovely children but my own families legacy has never left & we are still viewed as the poor, uneducated relations.

We see these cousins at gatherings etc that I attend with my mum, they still look at us in destain..
I am motivated now to show them that my children are every bit as good.
Any advice is appreciated but please be kind😊

They seem to lack compassion and understanding for what happened in your teenage years, how it affected you, how you coped and how you are now what sounds like a completely functioning and fine adult.

Please can you focus on building your compassion for yourself and not on impressing them. You went through a lot having a parent struggling with addiction. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.

They don't want to be impressed. They want to feel superior. To someone, it's not personal.

If you find a cure for cancer AND become a billionaire, your Ferrari will have the wrong colour tyres or something.

The problem is with them. Anyone secure would be glad to see a troubled young person settled and happy.

Be magnanimous and simpatica with them. Don't boast or put staged photos on SM. Just wait for their maturity to catch up with yours. If they are vulgar enough to suggest you can't afford something ? Just laugh and say 'that's fine, we'll manage! Now, how is your DC, I've been hearing great things about his recorder playing/ whatever?'

This, it doesn't matter what they think it really doesn't.

Also, be careful of projecting your feelings about them onto your kids.
Just lead your best life with your children and ignore them. You don’t have to prove anything

I just feel I want to prove my lovely children are just as good as theirs & not an extension of me.. That my circumstances will not dictate my children's life but I feel they never have any goodwill towards us..
My mothers siblings did extremely well for themselves & my cousins have done even better. But we were always the poor relations who let the side down..

I am motivated now to show them that my children are every bit as good

Trying to display how well you're doing...financially, educationally, whatever...will get you head nods, tight smiles and 'mmmm!' reactions. And will probably reinforce whatever their views are already. That kind of long-term view of one branch of a family doesn't change just because one of the kids is doing brilliantly at karate or whatever.

Just forget what they think of you and live your life. If you and your family are happy and doing well, that's all that matters.

Do you actually need to see them? I have relations like this and cut off contact in my teens after my alcoholic father’s death. They will never acknowledge the success of your lovely kids.

My sister who lives overseas got in touch with our aunt after about 30 years and visited her when she was in the UK. My sister was basically treated like she was after money!

My sister for context is very successful and a published author.

My own SIL was snobby about the fact that I went to work and she was a SAHM (supported by her equally snobby husband) in an idyllic coastal location. 27 years down the line, my kids have got careers and hers have shitty low paid jobs. I am at the top of my career and she is stuck at home with an elderly husband and no money of her own.

FFS life is too short to spend time with shitty relations.

They've filed you into a certain category in the spreadsheets in their minds and aren't particularly interested in the fact that they don't have it right.

Next time they say something like that, say "Fortunately it's not an issue for us, we're so lucky, but it is such a shame isn't it. To see kids having to give up hobbies they enjoy because they become so pricey." Oh poor other people, not me or you, but other people. Breezily carry on as if there's no judgement in their comments, don't let them see they've gotten under your skin.

But mostly - these are awful people with a bad opinion of you. Feck 'em.

Your children are as good though, as a pp said they want to feel superior not be impressed so it wouldn't matter what you did or said they probably would find something negative to say. Just keep it breezy and light but assertive.

Maybe show that your kids know the difference between distain (spelt correctly) and disdain? You may think I’m being an arsehole but I’m not, you are asking how to show, to your wealthy and educated family, that your kids are every bit as good as they are. These are the sort of things that will cause people to snigger and have a ‘yep, just as we thought’ mentality when you make these kinds of missteps in speech or when writing to your family on social media. People may think this is not right, shallow, and what not but it’s true, it’s this stuff they will use to ‘mark your family down and put you in your place’. Yes, this may make them arseholes but it’s reality. You have asked the question and I have answered honestly with the intent of assisting.

Some family labels just stick in other's minds.

You could try the well that's not an issue for us - with kids hobbies and expense comments and maybe with added PA sorry it's such a concern for you or a polite and what does that mean putting them on spot.

If you can reach point of not caring or calling people out for their comments - it often help with future behavior I've found.

I think you need to work on yourself, and find a way to learn that their view of you and your DC makes absolutely no difference to yours, or their life. You can't go through life trying to prove something to other people. Be proud of what you have achieved, and be proud of your DC. If they can't see the positives then that is their issue. Don't make it yours.

Do you know for sure you are being looked at with disdain? Maybe you are but equally maybe you are feeling less worthy (you shouldn’t) and projecting your feelings onto others and making assumptions?
it’s never healthy to compare yourself to others, money doesn’t make people better - or more immune to their own trials in life. We’ve all got stuff going on.
You never know - they might be feeling you don’t like them and that’s playing out?

Apologies if this is incorrect but I had a troubled younger period too.

Are you sure it's not you worrying that things might still go wrong all of a sudden despite everything being fine?

That is you're projecting this concern that they think history will repeat itself with your kids?

Therapy helped me massively to realise the tough times were reactive, not innate.

Your children will have their own challenges, we all do. But it won't be because you struggled as a young person.

Again sorry if miles off!

Disdain?
Fuck 'em!

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. You sound like such a good mum & your son has done so well for himself.
It's so awful that family miss out on these relationships because they place people on pedestals.

@HoppingPavlova that really was unnecessary. I can't believe that is what you picked up on.

'It's so awful that family miss out on these relationships because they place people on pedestals.'

Not awful. Great that shitty people are not inflicted on your kids. No need to talk about it endlessly or pass this on to your kids. These people are irrelevant. Can you not see that?

You are absolutely right about this. Thanks for pointing it out, this is the sort of sage advice I need too. You're not being an asshole, your are 100 % correct.

Sorry, realised I should have provided more context/background to my earlier comment. I was in a similar situation in that I had one parent from a well off and cultured background and one parent who was the opposite so I am speaking from experience and trying to assist. Basically that’s the sort of stuff that will be looked for when ‘accepting’ your children. I was fortunate in that I had the ‘backing’ of my grandparents on that side and they tried to make sure I fitted in and knew what I needed to to do do, but essentially one word wrong and people WILL be very quick to half-whisper behind hands ‘did you hear that, must be due to (the other) family’ with a snigger making sure you have actually heard them. It’s just the way they work.

@HoppingPavlova no offence taken, I'm in complete agreement with you.

Tbh whilst not the most important bit of info in OP’s post, it is noticeable.

I just feel I want to prove my lovely children are just as good as theirs & not an extension of me.. That my circumstances will not dictate my children's life but I feel they never have any goodwill towards us..

I don't understand why that's in question - my kids are far fucking superior to rest of family whether they see this or not.

My DGP both sides favoured my cousins - it upset my parents but just life when I grew up - they are not any better of then me really in life. My own parents favoured sisters kids - I kept that away as much as possible from my kids and try and not let it upset me.

@Mrsjayy I have explained why/how I was trying to assist which involves honesty. So shove it up your bum.

I think what @HoppingPavlova said is actually spot on. I picked up on the word myself and internally went 😬😬😬🤦‍♀️...but I wasn't brave enough to mention it as it's a difficult point to make without coming across as a total bitch.

If what the op wants is 'be kind' type responses then @HoppingPavlova's comment won't do much good. If the op actually wants a truthful opinion then yes, it was spot on. Because let's be honest, many of us were thinking the same.

It might be that your DM is still appearing a bit down-trodden to the relatives so perpetuating the problem. But it's very hard to change the family set up - you might manage to change one person's mind but I don't think you'll change several as they will back each other's views.

But time passes. Life can be easy for some and unpredictable events affect another - at some point in the future it might be clear who of the children has turned out 'successful' (or lucky) - I would just forget about it and concentrate on your own family.