Why have more than one child with a useless man?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I keep reading on here threads from women who have 2+ children (eg age 3 and 6 months) who are at breaking point because of the father being lazy and incompetent.

Examples like them doing all the night feeds, early mornings… and still having to do lion share of household chores and childcare when they go back to work.

By living with someone before children you should be able to get a measure of how hands on they will be as a father. But if things really do change and you don’t realise how useless they are until after 1st DC comes along, why continue to carry on having more children until you reach breaking point?!

Because they want more children? Because what was tolerable with one kid tips then over with 2?

Perhaps they did not live together prior to having children. They say ‘you don’t really know a person until you live with them’, I agree tbh.

I only moved in with my DP when I was pregnant with DC1 and I saw many changes in DP. I feel like I got to know the ‘full’ him, once we were living together/after we had our first child.

So if they are ‘newly moved in’ AND have young kids/young kids on the way, that can really take it’s toll.

Also, people come on here and they may vent and rant and moan but most likely are caught up in the moment of a heated argument. I’m sure on the whole a lot of these women are actually really trying to make their relationship work 90% of the time. Hence why other children may come along.

Yes I agree about only knowing someone after living with them. I think that’s what will give a lot of insight into how helpful they will be with taking responsibility.

Hope and wishful thinking, maybe.
Or grown up seeing mum do everything and dad do fuck all so thinking that's just how it is.

Some people just don’t make sensible decisions in any area of their life (career, savings, pension etc). Having more children with a feckless man is just another aspect of that.

There's plenty of women who get into relationships with losers with a proven record of impregnating and dumping several women, usually with a record of violence, domestic abuse, drug dealing etc. Reading the local news sites there is usually at least one case a week of some tattooed thug up in court with a string of kids who is Once again on charges of violence toward women, drugs etc and claiming he "struggles with his mental health", spared jail again etc.
Can't imagine why any woman would go within 100 miles of these men!!

I agree with you about the second and subsequent children. I say that as someone who was foolish enough to have one child with a useless idiot, but I was smart enough not to do it again!

I think some women do just want that 2 child fantasy family and want to keep up appearances by staying together for as long as they can and can't bear to admitting that it hasn't worked out. Even if the man is useless behind doors, they can claim to have a partner and 2 kids and on the surface that's the life they have.

I didn't live with current DH (who is a brilliant dad) until after we got married so I don't find it necessary to live with a partner before committing to them tbh. You can get the measure of someone pretty well through regular dating, you just have to be prepared to listen when they are telling you who they are.

@freenport yes I think that’s right, wanting to have the image of the perfect family even if it’s at the detriment to their mental health or hope that it won’t be so bad the second time.

it could also be as time goes on and things get easier, they forget how unsupported they were and have more of an appetite to do it again.

It could be that they want a sibling for their child, or and they aren’t in a financially good way to split up.

they could also want the children to be full siblings, so don’t want to split up then meet a man to have another baby with (if I was in this situation, this would be why I’d have another with the same man)

Often because there are good bits along with the bad? The man was probably fun or generous, or made promises of a rosy future and the woman hooks onto those glimpses of happiness and hopes they’ll get back to that.
Sees many of their friends in good relationships and thinks they can have the same, they want the same ?
They grew up in a happy family and expect to experience the same or conversely grew up in an abusive or chaotic home, hope they’ll have different but subconsciously link up with a useless man.
There’s never just one cause and we need more support for women to be able to get out and have happier lives for themselves and their children.

Maybe because men change when DC comes along, so their behaviour beforehand seems ok and reasonable because you can devote all your time, thoughts and energy towards them, but they cannot cope with lessening of that attention when a baby comes along and the mums attention quite rightly is on the baby. This may not be obvious at first because let's face it mum is preoccupied, but certainly when you add more children it becomes more obvious.

Or maybe because the man is great at compartmentalizing when there are no children so he can mask his behaviour, but is less able/bothered to when you become 'trapped' with their children.

@darkchocolatecoffee you post sounds very judgy

Why are you judging the women and not the useless men?

I wonder this sometimes. I am not sure I believe it’s always just a massive surprise and the man was a great father and partner before.

My experience was that ex husband was a "good" dad to first - seemed involved and engaged. No real red flags - the usual minor niggles about clothes left on the floor or who does the washing up or the DIY list that never seemed to get done. When we had our second (twins) though it all went to shit and by that time eldest was older and required more parenting in the sense of taking to the park, hobbies, play dates, parties, homework, constant school things we had to remember and obviously the majority of my time was spent nursing 2 babies and then his true colours of being a shit father and husband really showed itself. By that time It was too late and we had 3 children.

Of course I judge the useless men in question and there are plenty of posts about that.

but it doesn’t mean the women in question (in most cases) don’t have any responsibility or choice when it comes to intentionally having more children with these men.

@Jf20 yes if it’s bad the first time, why would it be better when adding more children to the mix…

I think it’s ok to ask the question. Yes men should be judged for being a bad father, but there is a responsibility in choosing who to procreate with, who you pick as a father for your child. It takes two. And not knowing when you have the first is one thing, but knowing and having more is something different. Everyone gets there are shades of grey here, abuse, religious reasons etc, but it’s very clear that’s not always the case.

It's often a case of the better the devil you know. They think it's better to stay with a crap man than find a new, worse one (and risk not having more children) or be a single mother in dire financial difficulty. There is still a massive stigma in being a single mum and this is reflected in the benefits system, CMS etc.

Also it used to be the case that courts generally gave the majority custody to the mother. Now 50/50 custody is more common and women don't want to share custody with a man they know to be useless and thier child not having a permanent residence. So they stick the relationship out.

Because I will "change"....

A lot of woman unfortunately believe this line.

There was one recently where she said her husband has always been useless and then she went on to say she has four children with him!

As regards why women take on a relationship with blokes with a string of incidents of dv, drugs, crime whatever is that some believe oh he won’t be like that with me because this is true love. The poor lamb is misunderstood and I can save him.
I do agree with your point OP about having additional children with a crap partner/ husband but a lot of women carry on and hope for the best ignoring the evidence. And some are just not very careful with contraception for various reasons.
An old school friend of mine who I recently met up with again has four grown up children all unplanned. Her children all also have numerous unplanned children from multiple arsehole men. When I talked to her about it her take was that the pregnancies just happened. I appreciate there may be circumstances that contraception fails but some people just don’t take proper precautions. Yes it should be the man’s responsibility equally but in reality a woman has to manage her own fertility because men can’t be relied upon.
I have always thought that if a male contraceptive pill existed it would be useless because who could ever trust the bloke had remembered to take it correctly?

I think sometimes going from one to two is what does it.

If you have a fairly easy first baby, the uselessness isn't always apparent, especially if the woman is one who likes to take the lead with baby stuff anyway. Then add another child and he doesn't raise his game in the slightest, might even try and do less because home is a more difficult place to be in now. I've seen this with a friend of mine.

Yes definitely not talking about where there are cases of abuse, religion etc at play.

There seems to be a lack of good quality men out there - I have some friends who are not having children because can’t find a decent man, and know others who have gone the solo IVF parent route.

@Blackcats7 yes that’s happened to a friend of mine - 2 unplanned children with a horrible man.

As evidenced on here, a lot of people think you should 'give' children a sibling, and only children are deprived unfortunates.

There's also the fact that if you give up work when you have a baby (generally because your earning power isn't high and you can't afford childcare), you will struggle to earn enough to support yourself on your own while working school hours - and council housing is very difficult to get. In a different life where I had low IQ, poor education, low earning power, I reckon I might do the same and stay with a useless man for the security of a decent house rather than a hostel or being moved 100 miles away.

Before we have kids many women can be just as oblivious to what it will really mean and how your whole life will change and be focused on them (as it should be, as tiny dependent humans). So I don't think women can know how they and their partner will react, even if they live together. Some men really step up the plate and become more responsible and are very hands on dads. Having kids is really crossing a rubicon and also the number of children a woman decides to have is determined by many factors. Some want another child so much they take the risk even though the dad seems to be checked out.