Why have more than one child with a useless man?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I keep reading on here threads from women who have 2+ children (eg age 3 and 6 months) who are at breaking point because of the father being lazy and incompetent.

Examples like them doing all the night feeds, early mornings… and still having to do lion share of household chores and childcare when they go back to work.

By living with someone before children you should be able to get a measure of how hands on they will be as a father. But if things really do change and you don’t realise how useless they are until after 1st DC comes along, why continue to carry on having more children until you reach breaking point?!

I was prepared to forgo marriage and children (and almost did tbh) if I couldn’t find a decent man who would make a good husband and father.

@GreatGateauxsby yes this is the sentiment that me and the women in my friendship group share, and I think some people do it the other way and prioritise the want to have children over a decent man and father. And I agree, there is a total lack of quality men.

This will not be a popular opinion but unfortunately, it's part of our biological nature, not only to procreate, but to keep giving chances to our partners.

Things are changing. Education, feminism, understanding our needs better are making women more aware who to partner with and when to discard the partner. I read a statistic not long ago saying that most divorces in western societies are driven by women, not men.

Still, the biological influence is strong. Don't discard it.

It absolutely is not in our biological nature to keep giving chances to shit partners.

The simple answer is because they want more children. Whether that is best or fair for the child isn't the deciding factor.

It's the same with women who get with men who already have children. They can see what kind of father he is, but their desire to have a child overrides that. They just hope for the best and don't prepare for the worst.

@HollyKnight yes I think sometimes this is the case.

They may have envisaged having 2+ kids and find it hard to let go of that ‘dream’ and think they’ll somehow manage or have some kind of thought process that giving a sibling is better for the 1st child even if it means the household comes under strain.

This x100.

It's a choice.

We make choices based on our experiences and the amount of information we have at the time. Sometimes that info is incomplete or skewed hence we can make poor choices - I did.

However, I am convinced that every person has their breaking point where they can say "sod this for a game of soldiers I want better",

And that is the start of their freedom.

It's all very well saying this but you really don't know what someone's going to be like as a partner and father until after you've had the DCs and are tied down.

Lots of DV only starts during pregnancy.

Men can talk the talk about equal parenting but the vast majority don't do anywhere near to 50/50 of wife work. .

so true @cordeliachaseatemyhandbag

Yes but my original question was most (not all, based on comments on this thread) will know of their DH’s incompetence after DC1 so why exacerbate the situation and have several more children when you know your DH is incompetent. You are just getting yourself closer to breaking point by doing this and further entrenching yourself into a relationship with a man-child. Not asking for answers on why this happens as quite a few people have posted explanations on this thread or possible logic (or biological urge!)

im not referring to DV or any type of abuse cases

Yes!! Say it louder for the people at the back! I get ‘accidental’ pregnancies but not twice! It’s hard to bring it children (well, who are nice and well rounded) when you have a partner who is ace!

my x told me that nobody ever lay on their death bed and regretted a second child. he wore me down. I'd already made one attempt to get away and he dragged me back. Iknow it's hard for people who had great parents to understand.