Why have more than one child with a useless man?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I keep reading on here threads from women who have 2+ children (eg age 3 and 6 months) who are at breaking point because of the father being lazy and incompetent.

Examples like them doing all the night feeds, early mornings… and still having to do lion share of household chores and childcare when they go back to work.

By living with someone before children you should be able to get a measure of how hands on they will be as a father. But if things really do change and you don’t realise how useless they are until after 1st DC comes along, why continue to carry on having more children until you reach breaking point?!

That answer covers all the bases ^....

Why be a useless man

These reasons actually makes a lot of sense.

It’s just a shame there’s such a lack of quality men out there to begin with.

I’m glad a lot of the younger generation is being super picky which is why some men are so angry now and trying to shame women into settling.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon i would be worried too. If it was my sister I would be having a honest conversation with her about my concerns but leaving the decision ultimately to her. It sounds like you’ve asked about the balance of work so what more can you do

Yes I think if you have a set idea on number kids you want eg 2 or 3 and close age gaps (and full siblings) the best option at that point in time is going to continue with existing partner (obviously excluding cases of abuse etc) because it will take time to find a new partner

@theclimb are you me?! I could have written more or less the same post!

Although ex was a reasonable parent whilst all 3 were tiny (if you added it up he probably changed more nappies than I did over the years) he seemed to lose interest once they grew up a bit and started having their own ideas. Now they're all in their twenties they have very little to do with him.

My xh didn't start being horrible until I was pregnant with my third child.

As someone who’s in this position and has been for the last 15 years, I don’t have an answer. Maybe because he’s all I know and I felt like I had no other choice? Or because I genuinely loved him at one point but the resentment has taken over now. Or maybe just because it didn’t feel that bad to begin with, but over the years it’s built up more and more? I can’t really provide much more than that though as it’s a question I ask myself!

In my case the full extent of his fuckwittery wasn't released until the second child was born. He'd been good with the eldest, but the second (both planned) arrived and he evolved into his final form.

I don't think you quite realise after one child quite how lazy they are. You are caught up in the 1st baby and they may be doing tho doting dad bit. We had a 2nd pretty quickly and it's only as the years tick on with the mammoth task of feeding a family that you see how unequal the balance is and how run into the ground you are. Then the bitterness sets in- hence mumsnet posts.
I'm well rid and happy single but even after 6 years I still cannot believe how little he would do. I would cook dinner and make 4 plates eg if 1 child and 1 adult out. If god forbid I went out for the evening he would "feed" the kids pizza or pasta. I get in and there is NO FOOD for me. Not only that dishwasher not unloaded or loaded, pizza boxes still on counter and dog unwalked - all jobs i would do if he was out, well or every day really . HOW/ WHY /WHAT THE ACTUAL F*
Really. I could not do this
Selfish
Love living alone
Its Fab
No daily resentment or bitterness

Well there’s a stigma attached to having multiple children with different men. So it makes sense to me that you will try and keep the same man even if he’s a total waste of space.

With one child, it's possible for the Mum to do the majority of childcare. If baby falls asleep on your lap, for example, you can just leave them there and read, watch TV or doze.

The second child is a different experience - because of the presence of the first child. This is where another pair of hands makes a big difference. Looking after the toddler while Mum tends to the baby. Taking care of the baby while Mum spends time with the toddler.

The full measure of "Dad Usefulness" or otherwise, really becomes most apparent after the birth of Child Number 2.

I have seen this happen to so many of my friends. Much wanted children, a great life, and then the dad just decided to “check out” of family life and leave for a younger, childless woman. And then treated terribly, “forgetting” child support, breaking promises to the kids..

One woman I know waited patiently for her other half to come and collect HIS children for HIS weekend and didn’t show, and she found photos on Instagram of him away skiing with his friends and new GF. Society makes it easy for men to do this, and for women to struggle to have any control over this dynamic. I brought my kids up alone (their biological father died when my youngest was a baby) and considering all the shenanigans going on around me, perversely I think I got the better deal as the buck started and ended with me, I have wonderful family support, and my kids were never disappointed by a useless man!! (I’m not discounting their grief here by the way)

Yes with the first these men can hide behind their partner, still pursue their hobbies and fair amount of alone time but the full uselessness becomes apparent when their is a baby and toddler meaning very little downtime.

@Summerlovin24 well done for getting rid. It sounds like it was a good decision for you. There was another thread on MN today about someone’s DH not making them any dinner. Such a shame so many men are lacking in basic decency.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast yes and any decision from that point will result in stigma (apart from having a 2nd child and trying to endure being with an idiot). Having an only child carries a stigma. Being divorced carries a stigma. Having children with different partners carries a stigma.

You’ve got it! All of the judgement and scrutiny fall on the woman which is how these men get away with being feckless in the first place. Imagine if society actually judged the man for walking away.!!! Imagine if we had a government with enough teeth to remove their driving licences or passports if they didn’t pay child support.

Because the government is seen to support single parent households with zero responsibility on the man that walks away, society has set itself up to normalise this behaviour. Men can remain childlike until they are middle aged. Just leaving the detritus of their former families burning behind them like a Die Hard movie as they walk into another naive woman’s life to blow it up.

That’s very judgemental @darkchocolatecoffee .

They are just asking a question many people will be thinking. And getting some good, honest answers.

People change. Masks slip. That's all I'll say.

There's many reasons

Naivety
Low self esteem
Optimism
Accident
Talked in to it
Really want another child

My dh has a stressful job he struggles to manage the house and child on top. We did try it. So I work part time and do the majority. He provides more financially. We are a team. I didn't want a second child as I knew it would mostly be on me. So we have one child.

Imagine if we had a government with enough teeth to remove their driving licences or passports if they didn’t pay child support.

This, completely agree @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast

I have a friend whose first child’s father signed on for disability benefit as soon as she left him, so hasn’t had to pay a penny since the kid was 3.

We don’t know what disability he’s been claiming for the last 15 years but he wasn’t “disabled” when he was knocking her about. And he doesn’t let his disability stop him swanning off to his new partners home country for fun sightseeing trips and socialising in his town every night .

And then there’s people with genuine needs that can barely get any support at all. The system is all wrong.

I mean I only have one DC with my exDP but I genuinely thought he would be a good father and partner, and he was so excited to be a dad but I think it was all a lot different to what he thought it would be like.

There is a massive number of daily threads where the OP will say DH has been useless and lazy pre children or after the first child, and then go on to say they have 2 or more children. So I think many people do have this question, judgemental or not.

It’s often by asking the question and hearing the experiences of others that we can gain some understanding.

They want more than 1 child and they are already committed to a lifelong connection with the father. Not difficult to understand.

I think it often for one or more of the following

they believe their husband “will change” when the 2nd arrives
they don’t want a “broken home” and think if they can do enough it will all be okay.

They want more children and…
they want the children close together
they want the children to be full siblings

I think this based on the women I know who have multiple kids with useless men.
they were not “surprised” or caught out. They KNEW what they were signing up for and the DH was useless pre kids …. It’s just that 4 years later they regret their choices and now want to complain endlessly about it and tell me and other friends how “lucky” we are. It’s not luck… I was prepared to forgo marriage and children (and almost did tbh) if I couldn’t find a decent man who would make a good husband and father.
CAVEAT: I think I am unusual in this respect in that I was pretty binary and took a pretty hardline about it.

the real issue is the fact there are so many poor quality men out there that women often have limited options and that plus societal expectation and conditioning encourages them to make poor choices.

I agree. And while it's possible to have some idea of this beforehand, like a lot of things about parenthood it sometimes has to be experienced to be fully understood. Especially when the first baby was a fairly easy one, which lots are.