Older women: how do you come to terms with losing your looks?

[TERFCat]

Yes, I know I'm vain! To be clear, I am not judging anyone's appearance but my own! I don't want to look old; other women can look however they wish.

Anyway, I've completely lost my looks over the past few years and it's getting me down. I can't afford Botox etc so that isn't an option.

Older ladies, how did you accept growing old gracefully?!?

my sister in law and another friend of mine both died at 39 from cancer. That completely changed my views on getting older in the sense that is an absolutely privilege to age, whatever you look like x

At 50, I literally don't care, but I try to be stylish and have nice hair, and also to be fit and slim. I feel that my personality and my sharp wit and intellect are now having a chance to shine, hahahah!
I enjoy my new way of being and I feel more genuinely 'myself'.

What is it that feels like a loss op?
Attention?

I was considered beautiful pretty much all of my life. It’s opened many doors. It was also a milestone around my neck with unwanted attention and worse, jealousy and never being able to do anything without some leach or another bothering me.

The older me has grown to be beautiful on the inside. My mother was just like you - loathed her aging face - and as an artist I could not understand it - the lines and character only added interest to me. But I also realised very early on that looks fade, and a far better investment for me at least is intellectual development- dynamism and personality. These qualities last forever.

I prioritised this above all else, and have barely noticed my looks beyond the odd plucking and relish the peace of going about my life without harassment or staring. I can really be my unedited self.

Depending on your looks as an identity indicates low self esteem, a need for male validation possibly? Why is that? What’s your relationship like with your father? And start to develop other interests, ambitions and dreams. There isnt the time to lament about age, it’s a waste of your time on this planet - instead make a five or ten year plan and start looking outwards.

Why are you being so aggressive?

That’s not aggressive - don’t be daft!

Why are you perpetuating the myth that one 'loses their looks'?
You are asuming that someone has 'looks' to lose; how do you define looks without coming across as someone who judges beauty?
Ageing is a natural process; your collagen matrix may not be as stable or effective as it once was, and no unguent will reverse that

With age, you just come to understand that looks don't matter. You also see people with Botox etc and notice that they don't look young or beautiful, just odd.
There are a thousand other things to think about that are so much more important.

There is a huge middle ground between ')loathing an ageing face' and accepting ageing!!

@Polishedshoesalways posting a question just indicates that the op wants to share and listen i would have thought. Completely normal. I wouldnt even believe that a woman in her forties had no feelings about moving into the category of older woman.

I had some thoughts and feelings around it too @TERFCat I'm ok with it now. Health and strength are my goals. But I still like to shape my "look". It is for my enjoyment though. I don't put pressure on myself.

I work in a supermarket so see a lot of different people and the people who do as PP has mentioned above coupled with confidence and good well fitting fashionable clothes always look a lot more put together/ youthful than people the same age who dress a lot older, have older hairstyles etc. I feel a bit mean saying that as people can literally do and dress how they like but it's just my observation. For example my mum looks a lot younger now she's grown her hair into a long bob compared to the 'typical' older woman hairstyle she had for years prior (short all over) and looks loads younger than her 65 because she wears baggy cords and nice jumpers and DMs/ cool trainers instead of the stuff my gran would have worn at 65.

@Skethylita I like this reality too. I want to own the crone too. All phases of my life are me, were me. I have hagitude in my audible wishlist, will listen after a deadline next week. Jean shinoda bolan has a few books on this subject that I want to know more about but her books are all either out of print, hardbacks costing 100 euro and/or they're not recorded for audible!

And maybe that’s the issue. Moving into a different stage is time, usually, for some self reflection and if op is uncomfortable about how her older looks are affecting her that is worthy of some exploration!

If we are always working at ‘surface level’ then that might be why it feels so challenging to age….

I have had times when I’ve felt down about how I look now. I’ll just say “menopause” and leave it there - amongst other things.
There is the whole invisibility thing…
however, I am 61, not on any regular medication, fit enough to be able to work full time in a job that I like. Covid gave me a life reset too.
I have a husband that I love and more importantly that I like (most of the time)
I think it takes a mind shift not Botox to make it and you feel “alright”.
It may feel like a cliché but a lot of good friends are no longer around to see how each of us have aged and for me that has brought a lot of other “stuff” into sharp focus.

This is something I’ve been thinking about recently and finding it very depressing. I think that if you’re quite attractive when young, you won’t look much different as you age, if you stay slim.

However, I was never a looker as my top teeth stick out slightly despite having 3 lots of orthodontic treatment and my top lip is too deep so I’ve never had an ok smile. It just looks weird as you can only see the tips of my top teeth when I smile.

Now I’m in my late 50’s, I feel that I look like a very bad caricature of an old woman as I’m short and very overweight with a round piggy face with lines on it.

When I met DH 20 plus yrs ago, I was a size 8 and could wear nice clothes, despite being 5 foot 2, so it didn’t matter too much that I wasn’t actually pretty.

Now I feel that even if I lost the weight, I’d still look like shit, so I have no motivation to try. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Snap!

Though I definitely have more wrinkles and jowls than before...

I've always been a munter. 3/10 in the looks department. When you've never been good looking, the prospect of "losing your looks" doesn't hurt as much. It's a small mercy. That said, society has a massive problem with older women and that isn't right.

The answers come after the questions! We don't know what we can comfortably let go of until we've asked ourselves how we feel about losing it. I don't think any woman should be shamed for acknowledging that it is a loss. (Not saying that anybody on this thread was attempting to shame her). With loss, comes change, and hopefully, gains. In time, if we allow and process our real feelings. I want to own the crone. But I am forgiving to myself for being aware that a slim body good hair, nice teeth indicate HEALTH and people are hardwired to allow healthy people into their tribes. Some of this can be rationally dialogued but other realities remain. I feel healthy and still do my hair, makeup et cetera , but there are some situations where I'd be more likely to be overlooked, passed over, excluded, lower status.... so that's why it hurts, that's why it's a loss . It's not just vanity It's part survival, consciously or unconsciously.. So this is our call to tune back into who we are and what matters.

For inspiration:
Susan Sarandon
Julianne Moore
Emma Thompson
Jamie Lee Curtis
Helen Mirren
Janet Jackson
Jane Fonda
Annette Bening
Gillian Anderson

All beautiful and absolutely rocking it.

Some (the minority) of those women have had work done

It's the aches and pains that get to me. Looking at walking sticks because I need a new hip.

Went out for dinner with my sons who picked a lovely restaurant. Took great care with my make up clothes. Got there to find out the restaurant was up a steep flight of stairs but the loos were down the same stairs. That took the shine off my evening.

I’m in my 70s, heading towards 80, which sounds really old. I get compliments about my hair, it’s white and well cut. Harshly dyed hair is often more ageing. My skin is lined, my neck a bit saggy, but I make the best of it, and glasses are a good camouflage! I use a face oil, but prefer no make up other than lipstick, as it looks artificial on me. And I smile.

Physically I’m ok except for arthritic knees, stairs are the worst.

I hear you OP. Maybe I'm just vain but I'm struggling. I'm late 40s and peri has stolen my waist, and when I look in the mirror I see my mum.

However I've had a number of friends who have died in their 40s so I figure aging is shit but it is better than the alternative.

Um, sorry, I would say that all of those women have had a LOT of work done. That's not 'inspiring', though I do also think they look beautiful. In fact one of the nice things about being older is that I'm not focused on celebrities.

I remember that a whole group of my friends in our early 40s looked honestly less than our best - still using exactly the same makeup we'd used in our 20s, carrying too much weight, dodgy hair dye. All of us in our mid 50s look a lot better, most of us have managed to reduce the weight at least a bit, streamlined the makeup, rocking the grey/white or getting more subtle colour, reviewing our wardrobes. If you're thinking about looks, that's inspiring to me.

I think you find what suits you, try to enjoy the challenge of meeting the changes. I'm finding getting older quite interesting myself. And I think one needs to ask 'Why do I need to look young anyway?' I certainly don't know why I'd want to look young, I'm not out to sleep with any young men!

I'm someone who always looked a lot younger than I was but now I'm in my mid 40s it's less so. I think most people would think I'm a bit younger than I am, FWIW, but I'm obviously not a young person any more and people no longer say they're surprised when I mention my age (which they almost always used to!) and that's fine. I am older and I have no need to look young.

I'm quite enjoying finding my style as an older woman - one thing that has inspired me a lot is attending 'Colour walk' meets in London where people get together in really bright, eccentric outfits and there are many amazing older women, some of them 70+, who look amazing, vivacious, beautiful and creative. It really shows you do not have to fade into the background as you get older, you don't have to care about pleasing 'the male gaze' and there is plenty of life in you yet.

Some (the minority) of those women have had work done

So what?- if my job depended on a few tweaks here and there I'd do it too. Its hardly their fault that their industry is misogynistic and roles for women over 40 are not as varied as the opportunities for men.

Women cant win can they? how depressing.

What eye drops give you shadows under eyes?

I've started to get really bad dark circles and sunken under the eyes and use hayfever eye drops and lubricating eye drops every day. Could this be the cause?