DD12 got into the car with a stranger

[Studdles]

Got a big fright this weekend so posting to get it off my chest, and to also hopefully alert others who might be in the same boat without realising it.

DD is 12 and very reasonable (I thought) for the most part. We went out at the weekend and a random man my own age greeted her in passing. I had never seen or met him before, and obviously asked DD about him especially since she had returned the greeting in a subdued manner.

Long story short is that she had missed her bus on the way to her music lesson and said man had stopped the car and offered to drive her to catch up on the bus as he was heading the same way, and she has agreed to get into the car. He did just drive her to catch up with the bus and nothing bad happened, but DD was upset and said she knew that she had made a big mistake once she had gotten into the car and that this was why she’d hadn’t told me.

I’m still shocked if I’m honest, and for several reasons. First of all I still struggle to accept that she got into the car with a stranger, because this is a lesson that I have instilled in her (or at least I thought I had) since she was little. I also feel quite upset that she chose to do this over admitting to me that she had missed the bus, and that she also didn’t tell me afterwards and had a guilty conscience for several weeks.
I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔

I know that I am more than lucky, and that this could have ended up so much worse. So by all means, don’t do what I did and take your children’s maturity for granted. I’m not even angry, but just thankful.

I can think of lots of perfectly innocent scenarios in which he might have encountered OP's daughter before. Maybe he's the dad of one of OP's daughters friends. Maybe he recognised her because he once went to collect his child from a party or after Brownies or soccer practice or whatever. I 'know' local kids who wouldn't have the foggiest idea who I am because they don't notice adults much. If he hadn't acknowledged the OP's daughter and the daughter had later said 'That was the man who gave me a lift' you'd see that as suspicious as well, I assume.

I would be really concerned for our future as a society where any adult acknowledging the presence of a child is immediately thought to be up to no good.

Most people are decent people, yes, but the sad fact is that some of them are most definitely not. Is it worth taking the risk to find out which is which? I personally don't think so. Getting into a car with a stranger has proved fatal for many children and women and really, really is not advisable. I'm sure the police would agree with this statement.

I was born in 1957 so grew up in the 60's (yes I'm that old!) and even then my friends and I were taught by our parents not to get into strangers' cars or take sweets/go to look at puppies etc with strange men. They didn't teach us to be terrified of every person we met or never to speak to anyone. It was just basic common sense. In other words, don't do anything you wouldn't normally do with someone you don't know and walk away if the situation seems "off". That's sensible advice for a child and we haven't been remotely damaged as a result.

I agree with this - the fact he saw her again while out and approached her to say hi in front of you is alarming. She needs a whole list of stock phrases to keep him away. What if he appears on her bus next time and sits next to her? Maybe you could take a morning off and travel with her to school a couple of times? Or drive her sometimes on the day it happened? Anything to disrupt her routine so he doesn't know where she will be. Maybe give her earphones and tell her to say she's on the phone or be on the phone to you if anything happens- I need to remind my mum about something/ my mum is expecting me to call etc - anything so she feels empowered and able to ignore anyone who tries to chat to her. Creepy but good that she's speaking to you and has learned a lesson

This. There is a low risk of something happening but if something does, the consequences are likely to be catastrophic. Also, the preventative measure (not getting into a car) is low effort.

Low risk, high consequence, low effort to mitigate is usually worth doing (or telling a child to do) in my view.

It’s like putting children in car seats. A car accident is unlikely but putting them in a car seat is easy and the possible consequence if there is an accident (a dead or seriously injured child) is terrible.

"I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔"

It's essential as parents we consider the impact of our arguments on our children's willingness to communicate with us.

We should reassure children that, despite being momentarily upset, we are not holding grudges.

Then, if a child continues to make the same mistake, it is our responsibility to guide them in correcting it.

This is typical MN.

I made a post recently about my DH ferrying my 12 year old everywhere and I was told we were being crazy. Kids need independence. They need to learn to use the bus. In high school they should be travelling alone etc..

Which is true! At 12 there's nothing wrong with travelling alone.

Clearly you haven't seen the recent articles about how over 90% of men said they would sexually abused a child if they knew they wouldn't get caught.
1 in 20 children are sexually abused (NSPCC). Have you at least taught your kids the PANTS rules, a out bodily autonomy and basic consent?

@Patchyfadge obviously there is with OPs kid since she has repeatedly proven herself incapable of getting the bus, and now, of making intelligent choices.

Over 90%? I haven't seen this statistic myself - where is it from?

1 in 15 of surveyed males would molest/rape a child, and 95% of them had had sex with a child under 18 when they themselves were over 18.

www.independent.co.uk/world/child-sex-abuse-men-australia-b2450369.html

Next time get her to say "My Mums on her way" if it happens again.

I do agree it’s not safe and an adult is wrong to offer a lift or ask directions etc and I would report in case it was a pattern of behaviour which seemed opportunistic, but we don’t know if that person is on a register for example.

These nuanced situations you referred to are quite interesting - I used to feel conflicted as for example did used to say hello to strangers I passed on my route home from school, which was the norm (and have fond memories of).

Later a man said a couple of things to try to engage me in a conversation, but knew not to respond and swiftly walked away and avoided that route for a while.

I wonder how much was role modelling (eg in my example, observing how DM engaged or didn’t with ‘strangers’) rather than ‘common sense’ and how much of this is being lost now and it’s becoming an anti socialisation process for many?

I think you've got as very valid point. Children don't go out to play in the street, roam the fields or get public transport to school like they used to (as indeed I did). It has become far more of a sterlised bubble existence. So much interaction is also via social media.

I used to catch a long and winding country bus to school, get off at the bus station and then walk through a pretty rough part of the city to get to my school from the age of 11. Like you, I would say hello to strangers en route and I'd talk to strangers on the bus. I was a precocious little so and so! Also like you I had a man engage me in conversation which at first seemed friendly but after a few minutes I instinctively knew was "wrong". He didn't say or do anything sexual but there was something about his mannersisms and I wondered why this middle aged man was so interested in an 11 year old girl. As you say, I picked up the nuances and I knew my mother would have told me to avoid him and would have avoided him herself.

The trouble is you just don't know who is decent and who isn't. Poor little Sarah Payne probably thought the man who took her off in his van was "decent".

How on earth did this random stranger even know there was a bus she had missed and needed to catchup with? He must have been watching/following/taking an interest in her movements prior to this.

Also, how on earth would he recognise her again to greet her? I would never remember a completely random child I'd glanced at briefly from side on (whilst driving) for 5 minutes. Children all look much alike to unrelated adults.

There is more to their connection that she has not told you.

We had our eyes opened to DS 1 when he was about 12 when one of his mate’s older brothers saw him dash across a main road and force a driver to break suddenly rather than wait at the crossing. Mate’s brother told his dad who rang me. I would never have thought he would be so stupid - and yes, we had to have a refresher conversation about crossing the road. So I entirely recognise the shock when your 12 year old does something really stupid and you have to repeat the advice you (thought you had) drummed into them in primary school.

Another hands up - I did this in my 20s. Instant what the fuck have I done???

I did not feel I could say no thanks.

Female socialisation in direct conflict with stranger danger - and be kind, be nice, don't say no to him won the day.

It was absolutely fine - but it might not have been.