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DD12 got into the car with a stranger

167 replies

Studdles · 31/03/2024 19:44

Got a big fright this weekend so posting to get it off my chest, and to also hopefully alert others who might be in the same boat without realising it.

DD is 12 and very reasonable (I thought) for the most part. We went out at the weekend and a random man my own age greeted her in passing. I had never seen or met him before, and obviously asked DD about him especially since she had returned the greeting in a subdued manner.

Long story short is that she had missed her bus on the way to her music lesson and said man had stopped the car and offered to drive her to catch up on the bus as he was heading the same way, and she has agreed to get into the car. He did just drive her to catch up with the bus and nothing bad happened, but DD was upset and said she knew that she had made a big mistake once she had gotten into the car and that this was why she’d hadn’t told me.

I’m still shocked if I’m honest, and for several reasons. First of all I still struggle to accept that she got into the car with a stranger, because this is a lesson that I have instilled in her (or at least I thought I had) since she was little. I also feel quite upset that she chose to do this over admitting to me that she had missed the bus, and that she also didn’t tell me afterwards and had a guilty conscience for several weeks.
I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔

I know that I am more than lucky, and that this could have ended up so much worse. So by all means, don’t do what I did and take your children’s maturity for granted. I’m not even angry, but just thankful.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 31/03/2024 23:05

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 31/03/2024 20:43

Maybe he felt sorry for her because he saw she missed the bus. He was going the same way. My DH would do the same, thinking that it could be his own DD now late for her lesson. I am aware of why he shouldn't - but the man in the OP may not have a clue why he shouldn't.

Seriously. My DH is a kind and helpful man - but, pigs would fly to the moon before he stopped and offered a lift to an unknown 12yo girl.

And, we've got a teenage daughter ourselves.

Sad as it is, adult men can't be opening their car door, asking children to hop in for a lift.

Saschka · 31/03/2024 23:06

NavyPeer · 31/03/2024 20:30

this is literally how girls get murdered in a Luther plotline

It’s literally how girls get murdered in real life…

Twolittleloves · 31/03/2024 23:12

Ahwig · 31/03/2024 20:22

I was 7 and my best friend was 9. We'd been to the park and on the way home started to rain really really heavily. We just made it under a railway bridge when a car stopped and offered us a lift home. We had never met the driver and it was a single man. My friend accepted and I just followed her. We got home safely ( luckily) and were immediately sussed as we were still dry in the middle of a huge storm. My dad was a policeman who went into schools talking about stranger danger. That evening we were going to my nans for a family bday. Every blessed relation there lectured me about how dangerous it could have been . Because my friend was older I just always followed her and as an adult omg we were lucky but the thing that stopped me doing it again was not concern for my safety it was the 4 hour lecture that I got from all of the family. Still the end result was the same.

Your parents (one a policeman) let you out on your own age 7 and lectured YOU for getting in a strange car?! Not your fault- they should have been more protective!

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 31/03/2024 23:17

This happened to me when I was 12 (I'm 50 now) I was a very responsible child who should have known better. I honestly felt no danger just thought he was being kind. But he wouldn't let me out of the car until I kissed him. I was sick with fear I'll never forget it. I pecked him in the cheek and he gave me a really strange look but I got out of the car and away from him. I told my parents and they called police immediately who came out and spoke to me. Nothing ever came of it but my God did I learn my lesson. Of course I had been taught about stranger danger etc. but as children you take people on face value you really don't see the risks like an adult does. Go easy on your daughter I'm sure she's had a real scare and will be vigilant from now on. Be thankful she didn't end up a statistic Flowers

MargaretThursday · 31/03/2024 23:18

A few years ago I was woken by dh at about 2am. He simply came in, shook me and said "vulnerable situation, come now" and I grabbed my hoodie and went down.

He'd been up reading, and there had been a knock on the door, and a young lady, guess early 20s was there in floods of tears. Basically she'd had a row with her boyfriend, who'd thrown (literally) her out of the car miles from anywhere. She wasn't very sober and didn't know where she was, but simply walked until she saw a light and knocked on the door. She was around 10 miles from home.
I drove her home (we had young children so couldn't both go), and saw her into her house and made sure she had the door locked before I drove home again.

Now she could have had a cunning plan to rob us, steal the car and get away, but that seems a little far fetched. I don't know if she'd remember when she woke up, but I never felt at risk from her, and I don't think she felt at risk from us.

Now in this situation dh got me because I was there. If he'd been alone, should he have told her to go away? What would you think the best thing for a man to do in that situation is? I very much doubt the police would have come round to find someone basically safe, where no crime had been committed, at that time on a Saturday night.

He may well have realised he shouldn't as soon as he offered, but felt like he couldn't retract it. He acknowledged her when he saw her with you, presumably he assumed she'd told you. She's not said she's seen him hanging about the bus stop again, and it sounds like it was several months ago and she hasn't seen him since.
I'd have thought if he'd not acknowledged her, or stopped and spoken directly to Mum in a "oh I was so worried about her" sort of way that would be far more suspicious.
Contacting the police because your dd got voluntarily in to a car and nothing happened, has what point?
Accept that she has made a wrong decision, but now knows that she has. Equip her with what to do another time and reassure her that you'd far rather she tells you she's missed the bus than does that again.
And feel relieved that the man offered had good intentions, even while telling her that she never takes up the offer from him nor someone else again. And that includes random friend's dad who is passing too.

Dartwarbler · 31/03/2024 23:19

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/03/2024 23:05

Seriously. My DH is a kind and helpful man - but, pigs would fly to the moon before he stopped and offered a lift to an unknown 12yo girl.

And, we've got a teenage daughter ourselves.

Sad as it is, adult men can't be opening their car door, asking children to hop in for a lift.

This

any man who offers a lift to a young girl these days is either extremely stupid, ND or is up to no good (as we used to say )

no bloke is his right and innocent mind is going to put himself in any danger of his actions being mistaken for paedaphilia or any sexual assault /harrassment claims by an adult female.

If he was rewlly concerned , he could have stopped and asked if she had called herparents, if not why not, and waited discreetly at a distance for the cavalry to arrive. At a distance enough to not alarm the person. Or, if really concnered called the police (though unfortunately it appears police aren’t always a safe option as cavalry these days 😞).

DECENT men are aware that approaching a women or girl on their own is at very least intimidating, or worse outright frightening. Thy know to keep a distance and a if they’re genuinely concerned get police involved or another female bystander

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/03/2024 23:21

Okokokokokplease · 31/03/2024 22:48

I was driving towards our village 11pm through a country lane . I saw a young female walking on her own . I offered her a lift because it was dangerous and spooky in the middle of nowhere.
She had finished a shift waitressing at a country hotel and had no way getting home.
It never occurred to me that I shouldn’t have offered. Thought it was the right thing to do.

I'm not sure if you're a man or not?

I live in a very rural part of the Yorkshire Dales. One early evening (getting dark), I was out walking my dog, and I came across a young girl, who I thought was maybe 13/14?

I checked in with her, and asked her where she was going - as there were no houses in the immediate vicinity.
She said she was heading home, and told me quite assertively that she couldn't accept a lift from a stranger.

Of course, I accepted this. And, I'm very clearly a middle aged woman with a spaniel in the car.

Coolblur · 31/03/2024 23:32

DrinksbytheSea · 31/03/2024 21:16

My commute out of the village is when the school bus comes through, and a few times I’ve called to a kid to jump in my car so I can whisk them to next stop if they’ve missed it. Maybe because I’m a woman it’s different?

I think the fact your DD realises it could have been dangerous is the main thing. It does make me sad though.

Even though you're female so statistically the risk is lower, you're sending a message to these kids that it's OK to get in a car with a stranger.
I don't even give DS' friends unplanned lifts without messaging their parent first or getting them to call themselves

Dartwarbler · 31/03/2024 23:32

When I was a similar age, back in late 70’s , I used to walk home every week from a club. About 1/2 mile though village, along main village road going up to station - so not massively busy but regular traffic. Even in winter when dark. It was never a problem. I was not scared. Kids did stuff like this fairly regularly then.

but one night a random bloke asked if I was walking on my own, and told me I was too young to walk on my own, and insisted on accompanying me all the way.

even in those days I knew I should engage with him.

BUT, like a previous poster, I simply did not have confidence or words to say to a grown man “piss off” or a polite rebuttal and refusal. Nor did I have confidence to turn around and go back to the hut where the group activity was - staff would have still been around clearing up- but I felt that was embarrassing and babyish to be scared.

all the way up the road I was anxious, I hated the conversation he insisted on having. It wasn’t in least bit dodgy, but I was so uncomfortable.

when I got home I said nothing. But as I went to bed I got very tearful, and it all came out to my mum.

God, she was on phone to police faster than a rocket, and police were at the house in 10 mins (ok, it was late 1970s with local Bobby). He listened to me, and then disappeared off with “we’ll take it form here”.

My dad always came down to meet me after that- was probably a pain in arse for him . But it clearly showed my parents that their good, responsible child who was also quite shy and reserved , simply did not have the confidence or language to tell an adult to fuck off(politely)

This is why your daughter did this Op, you can tell her till cows come home, but unless you equip her with confidence, words, and actions to take if it DOES happen she’ll freeze like I did and simply acquiesce. If she was less “good”, less responsible, more bolshy and rude she’d have managed better frankly.

And that’s the really dangerous thing about children

Hairyfairy01 · 31/03/2024 23:36

I would be concerned that this man is grooming your dd and potentially others. He may have already of done / said something to her. I'm sorry but a lone man offering a 12 year old girl a lift is not ok. I would report to the police. Maybe it's nothing or maybe he has done this before / he's known to them etc?

Dartwarbler · 31/03/2024 23:37

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/03/2024 23:21

I'm not sure if you're a man or not?

I live in a very rural part of the Yorkshire Dales. One early evening (getting dark), I was out walking my dog, and I came across a young girl, who I thought was maybe 13/14?

I checked in with her, and asked her where she was going - as there were no houses in the immediate vicinity.
She said she was heading home, and told me quite assertively that she couldn't accept a lift from a stranger.

Of course, I accepted this. And, I'm very clearly a middle aged woman with a spaniel in the car.

Sorry, I 🤣🤣 at “spaniel in the car” ….do we have good statistics that no men with spaniels ever molest, attack women and girls? Is it just that women with spaniels are even less risk, than less risky women

ok, kidding, but did make me chuckle “she has a spaniel and is therefor a good women “ 😉🤦‍♀️🤣🤣

UpsideLeft · 31/03/2024 23:39

It also confirms there are decent human beings around Albeit slightly naive

Ozgirl75 · 31/03/2024 23:47

When my kids started getting the bus home from school aged around 10/11 we ran through a number of scenarios - what if a friends dad or mum offers you a lift if they see you, what if a teacher offers, what if your bus is cancelled. We ran through a load of different (some funny and outlandish) situations that they might find themselves in. It reiterated that they should never accept a lift with anyone unless they can check it with me first.

We’ve only had one bad moment since then when the bus broke down and they had to wait for another one but luckily I was driving back from taking my other child to music and could pick him up.

These situations are scary. I remember as a mid 20 year old accepting a lift from a stranger home from the pub and as I got in, thinking “OMG I think I need to get out of this” but not wanting to seem rude. FGS, so ridiculous.
I was fine and he was perfectly normal but it’s easy to end up in stupid situations.

sunseticecreams · 31/03/2024 23:48

Aged 16-17 i stupidly did this multiple times and I look back and it makes me feel sick the risky situations I put myself in . I was lucky that none of them did anything to me

raspberryberet7 · 31/03/2024 23:49

FleaDog · 31/03/2024 20:10

As previous posters have mentioned,

I'd be concerned in this day and age a stranger has offered to give a child a lift,

Then however he has greeted her in front of a parent, to be that's alarm bells as if he sees her again he can use the excuse that its ok to get in his car as "your mum has seen me / I said hello to your mum/ your mum knows who I am"

Absolutely this

ChateauMargaux · 31/03/2024 23:52

How did he end up crossing your path again?

raspberryberet7 · 31/03/2024 23:54

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 20:52

It’s likely quite innocent but I actually think you should report it to the police.

This

Frangipanyoul8r · 31/03/2024 23:56

I lived in a student town growing up and my mum always stopped and offered lifts to students carrying shopping in the rain or if they were drunk outside in winter with no coat. I have quite a few funny memorable moments of my mum stopping to drive students home. Some people are just kind and don’t worry too much about social norms.

She was obviously wrong to get in the car but it doesn’t mean her judgement in that moment was way off as this guy was trying to help. It just means she made a mistake.

Thefutureisourownpath · 31/03/2024 23:56

I was in a catch 22 once. My daughter was asked to walk home from a friends house, not a dangerous area and not late at night. It was an hour walk in a town (very safe) at about 4 pm - I was at work (in the holidays). My daughter’s friends dad kicked up a fuss saying it was dangerous for her to walk home, and insisted he gave her a lift (no wife around), but said friend couldn’t come and see needed to start her homework. I was much much more worried about his insistence to give my 15 year old a life home (10 minutes) when I didn’t know him, his driving etc and she hadn’t met him before etc rather than her a route walk a town safely that she knew well with her mobile at aged 15. I wasn’t happy that he didn’t ring me to ask and just judged her safety as ok with him a strange man as being ok

aodirjjd · 31/03/2024 23:57

I would be really concerned that she’s been assaulted and doesn’t feel able to tell you.

Whycantibetangy · 31/03/2024 23:58

My dh brought a boy about 7yrs old back from the shop with him! He had a puncture in his tyre, was about to fix mine and offered to do his too.
He was mortified when I pointed out how dodgy it looked but fixed the bike and I walked the boy home to deliver him safely back to his mum.

Not everything has a sinister motive, my poor dh just thought of our own children and how upset they would be over a puncture. It’s sad but he won’t dare do any other good turns for kids again.

Southlondoner88 · 31/03/2024 23:58

Nothing bad happened though did it? Has he done anything weird? Did he make her feel uncomfortable? Did he take her phone number? Looks like he was just being king and didn’t want to see a young girl stranded. It would make me worry because she got in the car so easily but then she was afraid of getting in trouble with you so she had little choice.

Southlondoner88 · 31/03/2024 23:58

*kind

bombastix · 01/04/2024 00:02

Thefutureisourownpath · 31/03/2024 23:56

I was in a catch 22 once. My daughter was asked to walk home from a friends house, not a dangerous area and not late at night. It was an hour walk in a town (very safe) at about 4 pm - I was at work (in the holidays). My daughter’s friends dad kicked up a fuss saying it was dangerous for her to walk home, and insisted he gave her a lift (no wife around), but said friend couldn’t come and see needed to start her homework. I was much much more worried about his insistence to give my 15 year old a life home (10 minutes) when I didn’t know him, his driving etc and she hadn’t met him before etc rather than her a route walk a town safely that she knew well with her mobile at aged 15. I wasn’t happy that he didn’t ring me to ask and just judged her safety as ok with him a strange man as being ok

Well of course you were right. The classic one used to be give the babysitter a lift home. One of my friends was raped the neighbour who insisted on taking her home after a nights babysitting. She never reported it.

hellywelly3 · 01/04/2024 00:05

One thing I’ve always said to my children is you don’t have to be polite. If someone asks you to do something like get in a car it’s ok to say no and say it loudly.