DD12 got into the car with a stranger

[Studdles]

Got a big fright this weekend so posting to get it off my chest, and to also hopefully alert others who might be in the same boat without realising it.

DD is 12 and very reasonable (I thought) for the most part. We went out at the weekend and a random man my own age greeted her in passing. I had never seen or met him before, and obviously asked DD about him especially since she had returned the greeting in a subdued manner.

Long story short is that she had missed her bus on the way to her music lesson and said man had stopped the car and offered to drive her to catch up on the bus as he was heading the same way, and she has agreed to get into the car. He did just drive her to catch up with the bus and nothing bad happened, but DD was upset and said she knew that she had made a big mistake once she had gotten into the car and that this was why she’d hadn’t told me.

I’m still shocked if I’m honest, and for several reasons. First of all I still struggle to accept that she got into the car with a stranger, because this is a lesson that I have instilled in her (or at least I thought I had) since she was little. I also feel quite upset that she chose to do this over admitting to me that she had missed the bus, and that she also didn’t tell me afterwards and had a guilty conscience for several weeks.
I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔

I know that I am more than lucky, and that this could have ended up so much worse. So by all means, don’t do what I did and take your children’s maturity for granted. I’m not even angry, but just thankful.

I've posted about it on here before but when I was about 20 I accepted lifts from men on a couple of occasions in London. One was from a black cab driver who'd seen me go round and round the same bit near Old Street station, obviously lost and not dressed in enough clothes to walk back to where I was staying without getting very cold. He offered to drive me home because he was worried about me and would want another cabbie to do the same for his daughter if she was obviously lost at 11pm in London. At a similar age I was moving across London by public transport. Dragging suitcases and weighed down with rucksacks, on a sweltering day, a bloke outside the train station offered to drive me closer to where I was headed. I accepted.

Fast forward twenty years and on a snowy night, on the last train out of central London with my 9-yr-old, I encountered a sobbing student of about 20 who'd got split up from her friends, had a dead phone and got on the wrong train. I offered her my phone to call someone but she didn't know their numbers. She said she'd be fine to walk home from a station nowhere near her home but she wasn't dressed for it and it's not a route I would want to walk. I suggested she got off the train with DD and me, come to my home to charge her phone and I'd then drive her home/to a friend's home. I told her about the cabbie twenty years ago and how grateful I was to him for seeing I wasn't safe and doing something about it. She took me up on the offer, much to the relief of some of the others on the train who'd clearly been worried about her.

Being female and having 9-yr-old DD with me probably contributed to my 'helpful mum' aura. Would my DH have done the same? Not a chance. He'd have offered his phone, looked up buses and maybe offered to walk her to the right stop along with DD but he wouldn't offer her a lift or suggest she come to our home.

I wouldn't want my DCs to get in a random person's car if they missed a bus but equally, if one of them was ever in a potentially dangerous situation, I like to think they'd be luckily enough to encounter a thoughtful cabbie or mum and her DD who would intervene, and that my DC would be able to make a decision about the likely safest course of action.

Most men I know would know that you just don't offer preteen girls a lift. I'm a female sports coach and never offer lifts unless someone else in the car. It's a big No. I would gently just check nothing happened.

Yes this! Be polite. Be polite. Be polite. Be polite.

I do role play with my kids where they practice saying no to things. Theyre just little at the moment though so its mostly no to bad influences at school!

This thread has brought an awful memory back that I'd forgotten.

Back before sat navs and the like people used a road atlas to find places and I remember my dad having one in the car. There was a major place/city per page.

I was a similar age to your daughter and I was waking to town, a 15 min walk from home. It was a busy A road. A car stopped and the man driving said that he was lost and could I get in the car and show him the way into the town (now city)?

I glanced at the road map on the passenger seat and saw that the page was open at a place hundreds of miles away. I declined to get in the car and hurried back the way I had come - opposite to the way he was driving.

I went cold when I read this thread.

Yes, OP you've been lucky.

When I was about 21 at uni doing post grad, one night I was v drunk and got in a car I thought was a taxi. It wasn't. Luckily he must have j

.. just been after some cash. But scared the life out of myself when I realised. Random car. Random bloke. Big city. Drunk girl...

Id be concerned he still recognises her too

when i was around 14 i was with some mates hanging around outside the corner shop and some lads ~ age 20/21 asked if we wanted to go in their car. Stupidly we said yes. Nothing happened but we hung around with them for a good few months. Honestly, i cant believe i was that stupid. They took us to some rough places in the next city 🙀

this

He did not know her so did not know she was late for her lesson.

Likewise.

I used to hide so much from my mother.

OP, your daughter will do the same one day too. You won't be able to know about everything forever.

It was just chance you saw the man and he said hello, otherwise you'd have been none the wiser.

I refused to accept a lift once when I was about 13. He stopped and said "I'm Sarah's boyfriend" and offered me a lift
Sarah was the same age as me and he was maybe 35. I thought on it for a bit and then told my dad I felt weird about it and Sarah had this boyfriend but he was old and I wasn't meant to tell anyone

Dad rang the police. Sarah ended up in hospital overdosing as she was convinced he was just a boyfriend and he loved her and then it all came out
He was arrested for indecent images of children, sexual assault, grooming, rape and a load more on Sarah, his daughters, his stepdaughters and more children. Several were pregnant

If I say he was sentenced to 20 years that probably gives you an idea of how horrific it was. He wrote me a letter about what he was going to do to me when he got out
I was 19 when I heard he was appealing and threw up by the side of the road

Names and details changed

Why was a 12 year old child travelling alone first of all! WTH

Yes I’m wondering this too!

What in God's name were 7 & 9yr old children doing unattended? JFC the things you read on this app gives me chills sometimes

I understand your distress, but I do also have to say that I'm not entirely surprised either if as you say;
"I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past,"
I'm ashamed to admit it but at I may well have done the same thing at her age if my mum and I had had several fights about missing a bus - But then my family dynamic wasn't exactly normal either and fights were regular.

Busses are notorious for being inconsistent, even with the best will in the world there's plenty of reasons that may not be down to her that she missed the bus - and depending on what kind of "fights" these were, how intense etc, I can't blame her for wanting to avoid that. (though that could be my own trauma's projecting onto this scenario tbf!)

That being said, obviously it's not safe at all to be getting into a car with a stranger really at any age for a woman, let alone a 12yo girl, so I fully see why you're so upset and shocked- but I would really try and avoid making her feel any worse about something she's already ashamed of and knows is wrong and that she shouldn't have done.

I think the best way to move forward is more open and honest communication with as little blame or scolding or shaming as possible, she already knows what she did is wrong and why - Be firm and set boundaries, but also try to be mindful that she doesn't want to get into a fight with her mum - she loves you, she doesn't want you to feel let down by her, or like she can't do anything right - Her hormones are likely all over the place and she in all likelihood just wants things to go smoothly without getting in trouble at home for missing a bus.

I don’t trust this guy. How big is your town? It seems like an unlikely coincidence that he just met you both like that. I think he’s up to no good

She's too young to take the bus

The fact that she decided to get into a stranger's car rather than waiting for the next one/walking demonstrates that she isn't old enough.

What in God's name were 7 & 9yr old children doing unattended? JFC the things you read on this app gives me chills sometimes

^

I'm guessing that happened a while ago

If she was less “good”, less responsible, more bolshy and rude she’d have managed better frankly.

@^

This - girls (and women) need to learn to tell men to fuck off.

I do think it’s sad we are automatically horrified thinking he’s up to no good. But the fact you randomly bumped into him again is odd

See: A Study in Pink, Sherlock, BBC

It was the taxi driver.

Wow. You are incredibly naive.

I don’t think 12 is too young to be travelling alone - it’s year 8! Obviously it depends where you live and what the transport is like but here in Sydney children travel to school by public transport from year 3/4 which is age 8 or so.

I don’t think it’s necessarily that he was dodgy, but I do agree that any man picking up a young girl has got to be either very dumb or have nefarious reasons. I just don’t think in this day and age, “normal” men offer lifts to young girls unless there is literally zero other option. My husband is a lovely man but he probably would think twice about helping a child himself in case people thought he was a predator - he’d look for a woman to help out.

I don’t understand why people are saying 12 is too young to take the bus? DD also clearly regretted her actions, so has good insight and highly unlikely to repeat this.

Agree to reporting what happened as he shouldn’t be approaching and we don’t know if this is part of a pattern of behaviour with others.

Most 12yr olds travel alone to school?, there's nothing remarkable about that.

I also got into a stranger's car at about the same age. I was taken ill, was sat on the side of the road crying. Really didn't know what to do, a guy offered to take me home - he had a toddler with him which swayed me and I just didn't know what else to do. He offered to go and get my Mum, but she worked in a town miles away. He dropped me home and as I didn't have a phone at home, he phoned my Mum for me when he got home.
I was a latchkey kid, my Mum had no choice, she was so upset that I'd been in that situation, even though the guy was decent.