DD12 got into the car with a stranger

[Studdles]

Got a big fright this weekend so posting to get it off my chest, and to also hopefully alert others who might be in the same boat without realising it.

DD is 12 and very reasonable (I thought) for the most part. We went out at the weekend and a random man my own age greeted her in passing. I had never seen or met him before, and obviously asked DD about him especially since she had returned the greeting in a subdued manner.

Long story short is that she had missed her bus on the way to her music lesson and said man had stopped the car and offered to drive her to catch up on the bus as he was heading the same way, and she has agreed to get into the car. He did just drive her to catch up with the bus and nothing bad happened, but DD was upset and said she knew that she had made a big mistake once she had gotten into the car and that this was why she’d hadn’t told me.

I’m still shocked if I’m honest, and for several reasons. First of all I still struggle to accept that she got into the car with a stranger, because this is a lesson that I have instilled in her (or at least I thought I had) since she was little. I also feel quite upset that she chose to do this over admitting to me that she had missed the bus, and that she also didn’t tell me afterwards and had a guilty conscience for several weeks.
I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔

I know that I am more than lucky, and that this could have ended up so much worse. So by all means, don’t do what I did and take your children’s maturity for granted. I’m not even angry, but just thankful.

It’s likely quite innocent but I actually think you should report it to the police.

We've all held stupid things back from our parents because of the wrath involved in coming clean! But this is no joke.
Let her know how glad you are she is safe - maybe explain what could have happened and give her the number of a local taxi no. to ring if the circumstances require it in future. She'll use that ticket sparingly hopefully but also realise that all you care about is her being safe.

Imagine how many lovely men would do this for people but can't because of the small number of arseholes out there that mean we have to be scared of all men 😫

I hope he was genuine and wasn't "testing the waters" as a PP suggested.

OP, what's done is done. She wasn't hurt and that's the thing to focus on. Next, it's time to work on communicating that even if something is going to piss you off, she still must feel safe enough to come to you.

My commute out of the village is when the school bus comes through, and a few times I’ve called to a kid to jump in my car so I can whisk them to next stop if they’ve missed it. Maybe because I’m a woman it’s different?

I think the fact your DD realises it could have been dangerous is the main thing. It does make me sad though.

Take it as a wake up call. She was thankfully unharmed but sounds like more conversations need to happen about how to handle situations like this.

To be fair we don't know if it was remote, dark, crap weather, not a well served route. He may have thought there was more risk leaving a kid there and not trying to help.

Good point about making sure she is equipped to refuse offers assertively on the spot. I'd imagine 'thanks but I'd rather not get in with someone I don't know' will shut down most genuine folk. If anyone persists after that she knows there's no need to be polite.

This

I grew up in the middle of nowhere and it makes my blood run cold to think about the number of lifts I got home from dodgy pub regulars where I worked from age 14, or from complete strangers when I’d walk the five miles to the next village. I never told my parents either. (they never gave enough of a shit to give me lifts). We live in a village with a decent bus route to the nearest town/station and shop and pub and that’s about as rural as I can cope with or is fair to the kids.

I’d be really concerned if my DD was accepting from strangers but as a PP has mentioned, she needs to be equipped with some stock phrases to refuse. Also reassure that you will sort out with a lift as soon as humanely possible and agree a safe place to wait (library, cafe etc).

My eldest (17) has spent a lot of time in a city in a foreign country, as she stays there with her father. She has become adept at planning journeys via google and other apps, which help her know how much time to allow to walk to bus stops and make connections etc - she often tries to aim for the bus/train/tram/metro before the one she knows she needs to catch to get there on time as it allows for contingency.

I can't see why any sane man would even offer this. I can imagine why a stranger would want to help. But I cannot imagine why any stranger would find it appropriate to invite a child into their car to do so!?

Glad your DC is okay and it was a lesson learned

I think I would be concerned that he knows the bus stop she waits at and that if she was willing to get into his car once she might be willing to do it again. She needs to practise saying no with you in a role play scenario also what to do if it gets physical.

I happen to live in an area where a primary aged child was snatched off the street and horrifically murdered, although decades ago it still scares the absolute shit out of parents who remember it happening.

I’d be totally suspicious that he was a Snapchat vape seller or similar, and I’d be probing the story a bit further (gently).
It sounds odd and like others I can’t believe any normal man would risk this in this day and age. Also kind of creepy and alarming that he recognised her enough and felt confident to greet her when with a parent , which is very groomerish.
Did you have any reflections on the man, what he was like etc?

Also to add
I have a few teenagers and in my experience when approached in these types of situations they’ve usually ran a mile, called me etc, been really freaked out. With the exception of the one who is nd, and it was this kind of vulnerability that started showing at around 12 with the transition to high school which was an indicator that something was different. They would totally get in the car, (there’s a vulnerability and impulsiveness there) .And afterwards they’d tie themselves in knots weaving a ridiculous web of lies to cover their tracks.

This

I absolutely agree

What are the chances of seeing that exact stranger again and him actually recognising her?

I would be worried there was more too it

I think you should report this incident to the police. This bloke could easily, easily be grooming her. Or some other child.
Please.

I took a lift from a stranger when I was around 18, he was prob mid 30’s. He said he needed to stop by his house to collect something, it was a bedsit…I sat on his bed whilst he took a shower. Then he got dressed and we got back in the car and he dropped me off somewhere random that I didn’t even want to be at. When I look back I realise how dangerous a situation I was in. What an idiot I was. I was so lucky nothing sinister happened. I kick myself to this day. Never told anyone this before now.

Over 99% of people are probably decent but there are some people out there who aren’t. I wouldn’t want to risk it, id rather my DC be wary of all strangers than none and them end up meeting the wrong person. It only takes one person who isn’t decent for something bad to happen to them.

Are you sure nothing happened?

My daughter had an incident but didn't admit it for 6 years but I knew something was up as her mental health went downhill. I just didn't expect it.

Please keep an eye on her behaviour :(

I wouldn't be surprised if he had bad intentions but something your DD did or said made him decide against going any further. He might try it again with another girl.

I would actually report it to police and give a description. I think it's important they have a record of it

I was driving towards our village 11pm through a country lane . I saw a young female walking on her own . I offered her a lift because it was dangerous and spooky in the middle of nowhere.
She had finished a shift waitressing at a country hotel and had no way getting home.
It never occurred to me that I shouldn’t have offered. Thought it was the right thing to do.

Jesus. No, she is not smart enough to be out.

My friend’s DC did the same thing at the same age. He had also been in trouble for missing buses and was worried he’d lose this bit of independence. When they are panicked is when they’ll make a poor decision. When my kids started catching buses independently I reassured them that being late was not going to be treated like a massive deal by us. Both of them have caught the wrong bus on occasion and I just go and pick them up without a fuss, reassuring them their dad had done the same thing when we first moved to this house (more than once!)

DH and I once came across a young lad that had come off his skateboard and was walking up a big hill a long way from the main road, limping with scrapes all over him. No phone, he was staying with his grandma and didn’t know her phone number. It was so hard to decide what to do! Luckily we were with our small children so I told him to reassure his parents that a family had helped him. DH got in the back squished between the car seats and we put him in the front while I drove.

Are you a man?

I’m really sorry this happened to you and your daughter, and I empathise that this will have rocked everyone’s confidence. Can you make sure she has a plan b - does she always have credit on her phone, who can she ring if mum’s at work, what alternative transport can she get, etc. Are you in a community of a size where you would recognise this man again? I hope his intentions were only good, but you wold also be fearful that he was being opportunistic.

I did the same as a teenager, although it was a few of us at the bus stop. I would recommend practicing things to actual say in these sort of situations. Often, when we are decent, polite and rule followers we almost just do as we are told because we don’t have the tools to say no. We don’t want to cause any embarrassment. It’s ridiculous but true. By haven’t stock phrases to ‘get out’ of similar situations, it can make it much easier.
She could practice saying, ‘My Dad will be driving past in a minute, so he will take me’ etc.
I am also absolutely shocked that a stranger, a man, would think to offer a lift to a young girl. It’s very odd. It also puts him in a very vulnerable position.