DD12 got into the car with a stranger

[Studdles]

Got a big fright this weekend so posting to get it off my chest, and to also hopefully alert others who might be in the same boat without realising it.

DD is 12 and very reasonable (I thought) for the most part. We went out at the weekend and a random man my own age greeted her in passing. I had never seen or met him before, and obviously asked DD about him especially since she had returned the greeting in a subdued manner.

Long story short is that she had missed her bus on the way to her music lesson and said man had stopped the car and offered to drive her to catch up on the bus as he was heading the same way, and she has agreed to get into the car. He did just drive her to catch up with the bus and nothing bad happened, but DD was upset and said she knew that she had made a big mistake once she had gotten into the car and that this was why she’d hadn’t told me.

I’m still shocked if I’m honest, and for several reasons. First of all I still struggle to accept that she got into the car with a stranger, because this is a lesson that I have instilled in her (or at least I thought I had) since she was little. I also feel quite upset that she chose to do this over admitting to me that she had missed the bus, and that she also didn’t tell me afterwards and had a guilty conscience for several weeks.
I will admit that we had several fights about her missing the bus in the past, which is obviously whh she had opted to avoid another confrontation and get into the car 😔

I know that I am more than lucky, and that this could have ended up so much worse. So by all means, don’t do what I did and take your children’s maturity for granted. I’m not even angry, but just thankful.

Hopefully lesson learnt now! Maybe he has daughters of his own and was being kind . I do wonder about these incidences though ,it seems funny to say "Hi" to her when she looked uncomfortable .

In my town last February an 11 year old girl missed her bus, started to walk home and accepted a lift from a 'female' stranger because she was cold.

He was jailed for 20 years in October for abducting and sexually assaulting her.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-67144375.amp

There’s obviously not though as he said hi to her in front of her Mum.

Quite.
I'm more shocked that a 12 year old would do such a thing.
I'm the last person on the planet to shriek about stranger danger (simply because factually abusers are generally people the child is related to or knows well) but a secondary school child getting into a random person's car needs some serious reminding about personal safety

Most people are decent. I can imagine my lovely, caring, gentle dad offering a child a lift if they were distressed at a bus stop. My dad would probably have said that he would have hoped that someone would stop and assist me in those circumstances and so he would stop and help someone else's child.

I think OP can have a useful conversation with her DD about what to do in circumstances where she may be forced to rely on the kindness of strangers. Teach her strategy.

Absolutely!

I think we have all done things where we have almost instantly realised we have made a mistake. It doesn't make her too young to get a bus or can't be trusted, she made the wrong decision as she is human and probably will never do it again.

Why did the man think it was a good idea? He probably thought he was doing a good deed and anyone he has told about it has most likely told him he would be seen as creepy oldman, offering kids lifts in his car.

Yes. Had she not managed to contact the police he may have killed her. Men who rape or abuse women who are relative strangers are disinhibited about killing them as they may be inconvenient. Stranger danger is different for this reason

I would be concerned he’s now got his eye on her. Brazen of him to say hello to her in front of you like that. I’d contact the police. If you live in a small town and you see him again I’d be trying to find out who he is and if you see him again I would approach him and ask him why he thought that was appropriate? And exactly why it isn’t.
I think you’re getting a hard time here. Kids turn round and shock the socks off you, I had a good relationship with my mum and she told me not to do go somewhere several times. Guess what? I did it and got myself in a mess with a paedophile. The good news is she’s told you and you can work on this.

But she did manage to get help. And that's what the OP's daughter needs to learn how to do. How, if she gets into a car with someone she doesn't know, she can have her phone on and someone listening. Take a photo of the car number plate and the driver and send them to a WA group or parents. Ask the person offering a lift to have a quick video call with parents or an available responsible adult. Set up Find My Phone. Activate a tracking device in a bag. There must be dozens of other strategic things that a young woman forced by circumstance to accept help from a stranger can do to maximise her safety.

I'm reminded of a thread from last year in which a woman asked AIBU because she went to pick up her daughter from a station some distance away late at night because a bus they'd expected to catch wasn't running. She left her daughter's friend there, in the dark, to find a way to get herself home because she lived a few miles in the opposite direction and the OP didn't think it was her responsibility to get the girl home safely. IIRC correctly, the majority of posters agreed that it was perfectly reasonable to drive away leaving the girl on her own under a street lamp outside a closed station at midnight if it was inconvenient to take her home. Made my blood run cold.

Have you had a chat about not speaking to this particular man again as well? As he could be trying to build up a relationship gradually and groom her over time. I'd be concerned about that if she's already seen him at least twice, and especially so if she ends up missing the bus again and thinking it's ok because it was ok last time.

Thank you OP for this thread. There's something people have mentioned which struck a cord with me. My DD is an adult, not even school age, but despite our best efforts she lacks confidence and is such a people pleaser. Whilst she is very sensible and I would always have thought she'd be too sensible to get in a car with a stranger, I now suspect she might as she would feel unable to say no. She's been charged/served wrongly in shops and won't speak up, this once cost her quite a bit of money which really frustrated me at the time, but now I'm thinking it could actually be dangerous.

This is the thing, some of these bastards prey on the fact kids don’t want to be rude. If it was a person that a child vaguely knew like a parent from school, or an extra curricular activity they might feel pressured to accept the lift out of politeness.
I saw a girl probably y7 age crying at a bus stop a few months ago. I offered her my phone to call her mum and asked if she needed help. I wouldn’t have offered her a lift

@DrinksbytheSea I once gave a lift to a child who had left her bag on the bus by mistake. From the panic on her face when the bus drove off, it was clear what had happened. We caught up with the bus, she got her bag, I drove her back to the previous stop where she'd got off the bus

So, no harm done, I was just being helpful and she was v grateful. But, as we drove back to the stop, I did say that on reflection, I realised that she shouldn't have accepted a lift from a stranger

Honestly OP I would think that there's more to this. That he "gave her a lift when she missed the bus" sounds like a cover story to me.

I’m one of those who did the same thing at her age.
I didn't even have a good reason like missing a bus or being late!

I never told a soul. My mum still doesn’t know and I’m over 50yo 😂😂

But one thing is sure. I was shitting myself all the way and never ever did something like that again.

@Studdles i doubt your dd will do that again. She is safe. I’m sure she has learnt from that too. That’s the most important thing.

As a child in the 70s DM impressed upon me never to accept a lift from anyone .I asked " Not even Uncle David?" Yes even him she said .He was a lovely man, but she wanted to impress the importance of not getting into anyone s car ever .Must have worked, as offered a lift by a random man when walking up the road .Said No and told Mum

Ashleigh Hall, 17, got into a car with a stranger, awful story, made me cry,
cried again when I saw her picture.

We taught ours not to approach a car if someone stopped, especially if they opened the door, if there were others in the car, to immediately walk or run back
the way they had come, or if possible and safe to do so, cross the road,
walk against the flow of traffic, always have bus fare/pass and be time vigilant.
Schools were also promoting stranger danger, with the same instructions.

Of course this child should not have accepted a lift, of course the driver should
not have offered.

I was just thinking yesterday about the time I did something even stupider - I was 17/18 and agreed to visit an older man's house to see his exotic animal collection (which did genuinely exist TBF).

He picked me up in his car (my parents were out) and almost immediately my survival instinct kicked in and warned me to get the hell out of there. I suddenly "remembered" an important appointment and made him let me out of the car. Luckily we were in a busy/built up area. Otherwise he could well have refused to let me out.

It was incredibly stupid of me - even worse, I didn't tell anyone where I was going. He had lions and other big cats so Christ knows if I'd ever have made it home.

yes, curious that, when you wouldn’t think adult men would even notice a child
let alone recognise her, in different clothes, with her mum, curious that he didn’t introduce himself to her mum, curious that if he thought she may be in trouble for accepting a lift, he would nevertheless greet her? as obviously mum is going to want to know how they know each other?

At a bus stop alone? 7? knew her mother’s phone number?
what is the ending to this tale?

Year 7 not 7 years old. She just said no, she was ok and had already called her mum. I’ve seen her since at the same bus stop all fine.

When I was 13 walking a dark and lonely road a man leapt out of a gateway and tried to grab me. He missed, I ran, he chased me. I was skinny and fast and scared and I outran him. Never told anyone - I felt I would have been blamed.

I would for now assume the man, perhaps was also a dad and reacted to events with the best intentions and not thinking it through. After that initial reaction to help and she was in the car, like your dd, he probably also thought, shit this is awkward and was glad when he had dropped her off.

Your dd reacted in a rush, trying to solve a problem.

Everyone is ok so don't overthink it. explain to her default needs to be not to get in a car ever and while you might be frustrated with her missing the bus often, it is never a problem picking her up.

YEAR 7. So aged 11/12.