What rules of etiquette should I know?

[DuskyEvenings]

Reading another thread I realised that due to my upbringing, it would never occur to me to take wine/flowers to someone's house if they were hosting. (That said, I often offer to cook for us all and take it with me ready prepared, or if it's a whole evening thing where drinking will happen I do always buy more wine than I could possibly drink myself)

It got me wondering how many other unwritten rules I don't know. I'm not concerned that people think I'm rude particularly as all my friends know I would (and often do) do anything to help them out but I realise now that strangers wouldn't know this.

So help me out please oh wise mumsnetters!

it's the more the informal rules in more informal settings that I feel I've missed something

and

it does make it easier to fit in when there are ascribed rules

You're trying to formalise the informal. Everyone's house has different norms, and you can't possibly learn them all. Just be kind, and those people you're having informal gatherings with will do the same. If they make you uncomfortable about 'a mistake', do you really want to socialise with them again?

Wait what? Am I meant to make eye contact when I toast? I usually watch the glasses to avoid breaking any or missing! Is this a UK thing?

No, I don't think so! I don't live in the UK. In this country, it was one of the first things you learn as a foreigner (and not seeking out and maintaining eye contact during clinking is considered very rude).

Someone not doing those things is anything from unaware of the rules to outright selfish about whether they cause someone else to spill their drink and uncaring for their own safety.

So when you say you judge them @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia what I'm trying to understand is what you judge them to be. "Anything from unaware of rules, to selfish, to foolhardy" is a fairly wide vein!

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

• It sucks to be left-handed in a right-handed world and ideally we'd make things ambidextrous. Dining is one of the things that we can't because if person A holds their knife in the left hand, they will clash elbows with person B to their left when they both try to use their knives. Also, when B reaches for B's drink, they run the risk of being elbowed by A when A is using their knife, resulting in spilt drink. So we all have to eat the right-handed way

No one's elbows should be sticking out. You keep your elbows tucked in

If I sit to my left-handed sister's left, we jog elbows despite our best efforts to keep tucked. She prefers to take a left-most seat when dining out with family and we accommodate her because making everyone comfortable where possible is better than rules lawyering about which side to hold the knife.

She can and does eat the right-handed way when she can't take the left-most seat.

I'm really bored by people who are sticklers for rules and judging others' manners and I'm glad things have generally become more informal. I'm less interested in manners than I am in people, their character, friendliness or kindness.

Having said that I and my kids do most of the things described here as good manners - though I'm
less bothered by elbows on the table especially if you're having a lengthy chatty dinner with friends and family. But when I was younger I was told lots of petty things like being told to square my shoulders that I am glad no one bothers with now.

Placing knife and fork together but both facing right indicates you are ready for the next course. Placing them together and facing yourself means you really enjoyed it and are looking forward to the next course (I believe).
Tbf any type of etiquette mishap can be excused with a genuine smile and a heartfelt thank you, so don't worry op. Most people can see genuine appreciation even if you don't know the exact proper way; I most certainly don't but have managed to get by. HTH

Elbows on the table is simply baffling.

I take it that you've never had someone lean their weight via their elbows on a pedestal table, then suddenly lift their weight off and all the drinks get slopped as the table moves?

It also stops you from soiling your jacket elbows in any spills.

Elbows on table is because it cuts your neighbours off from the conversation.

Not in our house with only 3 of us it doesn't

We eat my family dinners inside, without jackets on, at a very sturdy table.

The scenario you describe wouldn't happen to me, not because I'd be adhering to a rule of etiquette, but because I'm not bloody stupid. 🤣

I think a little present for those who are making a meal for you , so a bottle of wine or a few flowers or chocolates is kind and polite.

I think nowadays some etiquette ( by which I take written down rules ) is not the same as manners ( by which I take behaving politely )

Oh dear

I wouldn’t like anyone scraping my plate after I was finished.

I’m not keen on plate scraping at the table just because left overs are so unattractive though I occasionally do it in an informal setting if there isn’t any space on the counter. Never in a restaurant.

My biggest bugbear when it comes to manners is not including everyone in conversation or changing it so other people can join in.

MorrisZapp - placing your cutlery together when finished lets the host/hostess know you have finished your meal and the plates can be cleared if everyone is finished eating. Leaving fork and knife apart shows that you are just having a break from eating and intend to eat more from your plate.

Has it been me mentioned - a definite no no is to hold your knife like a pencil.