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Original poster

What rules of etiquette should I know?

143 replies

DuskyEvenings · 30/03/2024 11:29

Reading another thread I realised that due to my upbringing, it would never occur to me to take wine/flowers to someone's house if they were hosting. (That said, I often offer to cook for us all and take it with me ready prepared, or if it's a whole evening thing where drinking will happen I do always buy more wine than I could possibly drink myself)

It got me wondering how many other unwritten rules I don't know. I'm not concerned that people think I'm rude particularly as all my friends know I would (and often do) do anything to help them out but I realise now that strangers wouldn't know this.

So help me out please oh wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
WingBingo · 30/03/2024 16:41

Oh goodness me!

Nope, do not stack the dishes when you are eating out. Unless maybe at a harvester!

NoBunnyHome · 30/03/2024 16:44

BlossomBlossomBlossom · 30/03/2024 11:39

Just get hold of a copy of this, @DuskyEvenings:

Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners https://amzn.eu/d/23gzxxA

Should fill in any gaps - and make fascinating reading.

£27 for a paperback version!

That's rubbish manners GrinGrin

GetWhatYouWant · 30/03/2024 16:44

anareen · 30/03/2024 16:33

When going to others homes who are hosting I always help clean up afterwards.

Also, when I am eating out I gather all the dishes when done and stack them together and scrape everything onto one plate etc. so it is easier for the waiters assistant to clean up.

Those things aren't expected though and wouldn't be considered usual etiquette. I think it's polite to ask at people's homes if they'd like you to help clear up but in my experience most people say no thanks, unless say it's family at Christmas.
I've never stacked plates in a restaurant and have never seen other diners doing it.

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DuchessOfSausage · 30/03/2024 16:46

Never take the last thing without offering it out to the rest of the table first.
Only take it when offered if you know the person offering doesn't want it.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/03/2024 16:54

This is so he’s below her on the stairs and can catch her if she slips. The same rule applies if you’re with children or people who are elderly or infirm, regardless of whether you’re male or female. The parent or younger person always stays lower on the stairs in case the child or elderly person slips.

What? Why would a woman be any more likeky to slip than a man? What a load of outdated, sexist twaddle!

User373433 · 30/03/2024 16:59

Thing I didn't know before Mumsnet/similar forums:

Always bring wine or something else when you are a guest
When it is being your own alcohol, bring yours and something for the host and then never take your own leftover alcohol home, unless the host invites you to
Never wear white to a wedding
Always offer guests food/drink even if they are only calling in briefly
Never make a drink without offering everyone else one else in the building one too

anareen · 30/03/2024 17:00

@GetWhatYouWant

Maybe America is different?

As far as staying to help clean, yes family and close friends. If it's more of an acquaintance I at least offer after assessing the room/situation.

CurlyWurly1991 · 30/03/2024 17:14

I was at a leisure centre earlier and couldn’t believe the number of people I saw walking through the swinging doors while on their phones and not holding it open for those behind them. So mine would be - make eye contact with and hold the door open for people behind you. Also, when approaching a doorway in opposite directions, offer for others to go through the door first (especially if they are old/infirm etc.)

Menomeno · 30/03/2024 17:16

Abouttimeforanamechange · 30/03/2024 14:11

What happens in your opinion, if someone doesn't put their knife and fork together when they've finished eating? If it's something tragic, you have a point about etiquette being necessary. But if things are ok, in your opinion, when someone leaves their knife and fork apart, then why is the etiquette necessary?

Because it's considerate to the person who is waiting to clear your plate. That's what etiquette and manners are - being considerate to other people. Or do you think being considerate isn't necessary?

It requires no more effort on your part to put your cutlery together when you've finished eating than to leave it lying anyhow on the plate, so why not just do it?

Because 9 times out of 10, I’m the one clearing the plates so I’ll leave my knife and fork at 20 past 8 if I see fit. If someone’s plate is empty and they don’t serve themselves any more food then it’s obvious they’ve finished eating. You don’t need them to spell it out using cutlery semaphore.

WrenNatsworthy · 30/03/2024 17:27

HappiestSleeping · 30/03/2024 12:12

A gentleman should lead a lady down a staircase and follow her up it.

If there are more than six at a dinner table, you don't have to wait to start your food.

Gentlemen at a wedding should not remove their jackets until the bride has given permission.

The bride should stand on the left of the groom.

Is it 1810? Are you Lady Catherine de Bourgh?

Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 17:28

Therefore your host or the waiter has the awkwardness of having to ask you specifically if you've finished

Oh, heavens, the awkwardness! You must really wring your hands, you poor thing @GetWhatYouWant

Waiters do this all the time without even thinking about it. It's not awkward to ask someone 'Are you done?'

What a silly comment!

HangingOver · 30/03/2024 17:31

I was surprised to see at such an occasion so many people eating with such bad manners, cutlery in the wrong hands, forks turned upwards and used like a scoop etc.

Oh who the fuck cares

Bluefell · 30/03/2024 17:32

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/03/2024 16:54

This is so he’s below her on the stairs and can catch her if she slips. The same rule applies if you’re with children or people who are elderly or infirm, regardless of whether you’re male or female. The parent or younger person always stays lower on the stairs in case the child or elderly person slips.

What? Why would a woman be any more likeky to slip than a man? What a load of outdated, sexist twaddle!

Because she’s often wearing less robust shoes, like heels or sandals.

WrenNatsworthy · 30/03/2024 17:41

I wear Rocket Dogs and Docs mainly so I'm in no danger.

So if it's about footwear then surely the person with the most dangerous shoes should go first.

OP - I'm sorry that you feel that you've got so much to learn. I think everyone has their own tolerance levels when it comes to etiquette, and there are a different rules depending on each situation.

Is there a particular situation you're worried about?

questiona · 30/03/2024 18:26

I once brought a nice bottle of wine, and some flowers, as a gift for a couple hosting a dinner party. Later DP told me that it’s rude to bring just one bottle, apparently you should either bring a crate or no wine at all! Can someone confirm or deny if this is a thing!?

questiona · 30/03/2024 18:33

Apparently the exception is if it's a "very special" bottle or a magnum or above. I was so proud of myself for going to an actual wine merchant and picking what I thought was a good bottler , but apparently not!

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 30/03/2024 19:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2024 12:55

One of the things I really appreciate about living in London and having a large friendship group of which over half were born and raised outside the UK is that there really is no set etiquette everyone adheres to and so everyone is just very relaxed. Nobody gives a shit what anybody else wants to do with their cutlery or their napkin, and your elbows are your own business. And yet everyone manages not to be disgusting or rude.

In the modern world, forget etiquette and go with manners and being a good friend / human being: both of which should revolve around the people around you feeling happy and ensuring that everyone feels good about themselves whenever you get a chance. Taking a gift to thank your host for hosting is nice, but if they’re your best friend then everything usually just comes out in the wash eventually. Most people, when they’ve invited their friends to come over, want an evening of fun and for their friends to be comfortable, not worrying about niceties. When people on threads like this list a whole spiel of very formal pieces of advice about jackets and cutlery and the right way to eat a bread roll, I just assume they only have acquaintances rather than actual friends to spend time with, which is a little sad.

Love this answer! Spot on.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 30/03/2024 19:00

Popfan · 30/03/2024 11:45

When eating out don't start eating until everyone has been served with their food (unless someone says please start!)

This only works for small groups in a well-organised restaurant where the kitchen can get the whole table's food out together.

It falls down with larger groups and disorganised kitchens.

I've always considered this rule misguided for hot food anyway. By waiting, you let the food go cold and in doing so you insult the chef.

HappiestSleeping · 30/03/2024 19:07

WrenNatsworthy · 30/03/2024 17:27

Is it 1810? Are you Lady Catherine de Bourgh?

Show quote history

That's for the OP to decide. The question was 'what rules of etiquette should I know?" So I provided some.

Personally, I think they are all relevant today, maybe with the exception of the side the groom stands on.

NotCute · 30/03/2024 19:07

Ebme · 30/03/2024 15:21

My DH is a generally nice person but was brought up in a bad mannered family, I wasn’t. Here are some of the things he does that drive me crazy. Avoid these!

  • When he cooks, even if guests are here, he serves himself first, then sits down and starts eating. It should be the host serves the guests first, starting with the ladies, and serves himself last, and no one should eat until everyone has food.
  • Reads at the table (well, scrolls phone)
  • Gets up and leaves the table when he’s finished eating even if others are still eating.
  • Is clearly bored when guests are being boring.
  • Tells guests long boring stories about how great he is, then interrupts their stories.
  • Never gives the host a gift, of if bullied by me into doing so, takes the cheapest supermarket wine he can find, which is actually an insult.
  • When walking he walks slightly faster and in front of whoever he’s with.
  • He always marches through a doorway first, never steps back to allow ladies first and never holds it open for people, just lets it swing closed in their faces.

It’s so difficult trying to teach our DC good manners when “Daddy doesn’t do that” 🙈

Anyway, other good rules include never discuss religion politics or biology at the table.

I take it that Biology is a relatively recent addition to that list?

Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 19:11

@HappiestSleeping

If you are in a decent restaurant, you'll be waiting a long time for them to clear your plate and bring you the next course as they will wait for this as a sign that you have finished

Given that you're the only person on the entire thread who has made this point, we must assume that the restaurants you go to are more decent than everybody else's, and so your point is lost on anybody except the truly elite, like yourself.

The rest of us go to restaurants where the waiting staff won't allow a table to be left in limbo, and don't mind asking simple questions of the diners.

HappiestSleeping · 30/03/2024 19:15

Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 19:11

@HappiestSleeping

If you are in a decent restaurant, you'll be waiting a long time for them to clear your plate and bring you the next course as they will wait for this as a sign that you have finished

Given that you're the only person on the entire thread who has made this point, we must assume that the restaurants you go to are more decent than everybody else's, and so your point is lost on anybody except the truly elite, like yourself.

The rest of us go to restaurants where the waiting staff won't allow a table to be left in limbo, and don't mind asking simple questions of the diners.

To be fair, I don't go often. They are way too expensive.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/03/2024 19:17

Ebme · 30/03/2024 15:21

My DH is a generally nice person but was brought up in a bad mannered family, I wasn’t. Here are some of the things he does that drive me crazy. Avoid these!

  • When he cooks, even if guests are here, he serves himself first, then sits down and starts eating. It should be the host serves the guests first, starting with the ladies, and serves himself last, and no one should eat until everyone has food.
  • Reads at the table (well, scrolls phone)
  • Gets up and leaves the table when he’s finished eating even if others are still eating.
  • Is clearly bored when guests are being boring.
  • Tells guests long boring stories about how great he is, then interrupts their stories.
  • Never gives the host a gift, of if bullied by me into doing so, takes the cheapest supermarket wine he can find, which is actually an insult.
  • When walking he walks slightly faster and in front of whoever he’s with.
  • He always marches through a doorway first, never steps back to allow ladies first and never holds it open for people, just lets it swing closed in their faces.

It’s so difficult trying to teach our DC good manners when “Daddy doesn’t do that” 🙈

Anyway, other good rules include never discuss religion politics or biology at the table.

Jesus! How did you even get past a first date with him?! That's appalling. I wouldn't tolerate any of it.

Marynotsocontrary · 30/03/2024 19:20

questiona · 30/03/2024 18:26

I once brought a nice bottle of wine, and some flowers, as a gift for a couple hosting a dinner party. Later DP told me that it’s rude to bring just one bottle, apparently you should either bring a crate or no wine at all! Can someone confirm or deny if this is a thing!?

Maybe it depends on the circles you move in?
A bottle of wine is a fairly typical gift amongst my friends, along with flowers or chocolates, but we're not terribly smart (or rich).

Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 19:22

Maybe it depends on the circles you move in

It really does. There's no one list of 'correct' etiquette. Just be polite. If you fail to do something that's expected of you, and you're in friendly company, someone will just tell you. And if that's not going to happen, why would you want to be there?

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