Finding 'friend's' behaviour completely insane IANBU to think you do not treat a 6year old like this .

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

Just a bit of rant really.
Been friends with someone who lives nearby for about 15 years, when we met had almost identical life circumstances. She and her husband became godparents to my youngest child now aged 6.5 years.

Over The last 3 years I started experiencing a lot of emotional abuse in my marriage and very controlling behaviour which drove me to the point of almost a complete breakdown. All my friends were aware if this and to most of then and my family it was very apparent.

I temporarily moved into another property- my child was unaffected by her father as the behaviour was directed at me and her home is 3 mins from school. She stayed put. I saw her every Monday and had her Wednesday night and every Fri and sat night ans all day sun too, we tried to do a family activity this day and things were calm. Husband attended intensive counselling.
Initially I had thought we were breaking up and went on a few dates which he knows, i obviouslu I chatted to friends about this.
All this is relevant.

Now the friend situation:
Every Christmas we do a gathering and all exchange presents. Friend couldnt find a free time (she's always very booked) so I dropped the presents at her house. She left them on our doorstep unopened saying she didn't want to accept them and wanted " a friendship sabbatical". Thought this was odd but she has some funny ways so let her get in with it.
Since then things have improved I have moved back home but still have 1 or 2 nights a week on my own as I tend to go out late and it's just easier. ( I don't go to work) And it's quite common amongst our friendship group.
Last weekend I received a long text trellng me friend is no longer talking to me, she is furious with me for "abandoning" my child , she cotes that her grandmother aparently permanently conoletely left her mother aged 11 and this had created problems in her family ever since). So she has huge issues with me having time to both escape and sorry or my psychosocial welfare which was in shreds. She said The fact I expected my husband to learn to cook ( he had never lifted a finger) is also unforgivable, - he leaky couldn't book an egg. And the fact I went on dating apps after he and I broke up means I am no longer the type of person she can ever be friends with again. Clearly those in abusive relationships are just meant to suffer, or if she can't see it it doesn't exist.

Clearly I find this utterly nuts and think she's insane, I don't want to be friends with someone sojudgemental. I'm very bothered by the fact when she sees us with her god child she completely blanks her despite her shouting and waving. What planet do these pepole come from ??
i don't think its me. My other fiends don't think it's me. Soneone like this isn't a loss yo me. I'm just ranting. I do feel sorry for my child that behaviour is unacceptable. And you don't do that to an inn8cebt child when you've made a point of seeing them every week if their like until now

sorry this is so long if you got here

Thoughts would be interesting.

This, and again expecting a flaming from the usual 'mums can do no wrong, put you first, whatever happens your dc should be happy you're happy..'

Was the emotional controlling not supporting your 'unconventional' lifestyle of going out partying and dancing several nights a week but still not working? Reading between the lines that's my assumption!

Sorry OP I've tried really hard to follow all your posts

So you keep a crash pad in town and stay there a couple of nights a week so you can stay out all night dancing but don't work so your husband pays for everything?

Yup, I would judge you too. I reckon your other friends all think the same and she's the only one saying it out loud.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I didn't leave the house for years because if him and Didnt mind too much up to a point. I mean even to the supermarket he had to go with me. It was following me around the house, telling me what to do, watching me do it, even cooking, telling me I was doing it wrong, telling me he didn't like my lipstick for example, it never changed, or conversely totally ignoring me for days on end and not talking to me for no reason. That becomes impossible to live with. Everyone else just sees us going out together and doing ask the daily tasks like the shipping,, taking the pretty to the vets, going to school etc.

Just don’t bother with this friend, she’s entitled to her opinion. As you have witnessed on here, people will and have judged for leaving your daughter. Your DH has been mature enough to work
on things, lovely that you are back as a family unit.

however I would get some professional advice re counselling for your DD, she may have an underlying fear that you are going to leave again.

@milesmachine why do you think he pays? I haven't said that anywhere? I established a successful business equally with him many years ago. It pays us both. I have other income. Sorry to disappoint.

your daughter saw all this, saw you being seriously distressed, and then you left and left her with him?

You had to step away from your relationship for your sanity. She wants to step away from this one, possibly for hers. Respect it.

@PithyLion I mean I underwent the medical procedures without support, concealer to my husband who had an army of support, I'm not complaining. I just very in with stuff generally. That's why it was very bad for things to get to a stage where I couldn't cope.

Iy want standard chemotherapy, I was given 8 dosses of chemo drugs for a kidney problem which made me feel quite rough . I've since had further surgery. My life has not been easy lately.

Ok so much confusion in this thread and OP selectively refusing to answer the questions that would bring clarity. It also has virtually nothing to do with "friend's behaviour" as the title seems focused on.

1. If OP underwent chemo in Oct/Nov then it would make it far more understandable to have her own place to rest or recover. However the reasoning behind moving out seems to only be due to an abusive husband.

The timelines are a bit muddled up so it doesn't say if she was living alone or apart at the point of chemo. And if that overlaps with the going out/dating which is supposedly "normal" in her friendship group.

2. As PP mentioned, what type of chemotherapy is given for only one month? Was it for cancer treatment? Was it for an autoimmune condition?

3. It seems like you have a second place to stay but are mostly at home again?

The OP seems to be posting like in the midst of a manic episode. Lots of typos and frantic ramblings that don't paint a full picture from someone unfamiliar with the situation.

Plenty of men leave & go back to 'dating' quickly, yes but leave an abuser & not take the children?? No.

Men in abusive relationships are more likely to stay with that partner because they don't feel they can take the children or will be believed.

So she didn’t agree with you abandoning your child then effectively abandoned her herself, to the extent of ignoring her waving across the street.

Without commenting on the rest of the issues, this doesn’t sound very nice tbh.

This doesn't change my view.

OP, my dad was abusive to my mum very similar to what you describe; controlling her time and actions, shouting and aggressive all the time, making her do everything. So while he wasn't doing it to me when I was 5 or 6, I was absolutely terrified of him, witnessing helplessly while he abused my mum. Once he was shouting at her in the car and she got out and ran off, leaving me with him. I was so so scared, and didn't forget that my whole childhood. I felt so abandoned in that moment, by my mum and was so scared of him. She returned a few hours later.

Witnessing abuse is now recognised as child abuse. Please start thinking of your child's well-being, now that you are feeling better.

the OPs posts don’t make much sense. I can’t be bothered to carry on reading to unpick random mentions of Enfield and Aldi chemotherapy. It’s incredibly irritating and likely indicative of a chaotic person that undoubtedly describes herself as “spontaneous” or “a free spirit” while leaving her muddled six year old and others in her wake.

I've read all the replies and agree with the vast majority.

Op talks about conventionality like it's a terrible thing, but small children need stability and predictability in their lives.

Your dd probably doesn't know what you'll do next (because it sounds like you are impulsive and reactive) and that's quite damaging for small kids.

You don't mention if your judgy friend has kids herself.

Yet you kid yourself that your DD is unaffected by this and by seeing you often in tears. What are you both showing her about how relationships work (or don't)? With the chemo added in it all sounds extremely unstable before you even get to the tag-team latin dance nights lifestyle. Really, your ex-friend not waving to her is the least of your and DD's issues. I'm inclined to agree with PP that you might be posting in a manic episode, it all reads so strangely.

And this is what many of your friends will be thinking. She just voiced her thoughts.

Damned right

you got yourself out, with family help and recovered enough to line up dates

meanwhile you left your dd with a man who treats women like shit. She’ll grow up feeling she’s unwanted by her mother and she’ll learn what relationships look like by seeing through her dads eyes.

i was literally trapped in a hellhole of a country with no support, my family ran a million miles to keep me in a shitter relationship than each of their own, rather than help me get out.

you had support- you abandoned your dc.

you recovered enough to go out dating - but not to have your dc with you/your family

you abandoned your child.

the reason I got out was BECAUSE of my dc, there is no way I’d leave a child behind with his abusive dad. No way on earth. Over my dead body. actually there was no way I was dying out there and be buried in that shithole, so I take that back, dying was not an option either.

if this is true - and I sincerely hope it’s not - shame on you.

It's your life and nobody else's business.

I'd thank her for removing herself from my life and move on with yours.

Moving out would have had a very negative effect on your daughter though. Especially at that age. The's no getting around it. And all this focus on you being suicidal and needing to get well before you were in a fit state to have her full time again, how does immediately dating new men fit into this equation?

Would it not have been best to take some time to be by yourself for a bit?
I know you think you can justify all the decisions you made but the simple truth is that people will judge you for them. You are going to have to live with that. You can't force people to support your decisions and your judgement.

Sorry, I accidentally quoted the wrong post from the OP there, but never mind, it doesn't change anything I said.

Also, It's likely this. It all sounds pretty chaotic.

Maybe no alcohol, but geez surely you're on something to write posts continuously like this?!

Sorry, but this.

I can ALMOST understand leaving your child while you sorted out a safe option to extract your child from an abuser as well ... but you spent the time going on dates.

And then went back.

Yep