Finding 'friend's' behaviour completely insane IANBU to think you do not treat a 6year old like this .

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

Just a bit of rant really.
Been friends with someone who lives nearby for about 15 years, when we met had almost identical life circumstances. She and her husband became godparents to my youngest child now aged 6.5 years.

Over The last 3 years I started experiencing a lot of emotional abuse in my marriage and very controlling behaviour which drove me to the point of almost a complete breakdown. All my friends were aware if this and to most of then and my family it was very apparent.

I temporarily moved into another property- my child was unaffected by her father as the behaviour was directed at me and her home is 3 mins from school. She stayed put. I saw her every Monday and had her Wednesday night and every Fri and sat night ans all day sun too, we tried to do a family activity this day and things were calm. Husband attended intensive counselling.
Initially I had thought we were breaking up and went on a few dates which he knows, i obviouslu I chatted to friends about this.
All this is relevant.

Now the friend situation:
Every Christmas we do a gathering and all exchange presents. Friend couldnt find a free time (she's always very booked) so I dropped the presents at her house. She left them on our doorstep unopened saying she didn't want to accept them and wanted " a friendship sabbatical". Thought this was odd but she has some funny ways so let her get in with it.
Since then things have improved I have moved back home but still have 1 or 2 nights a week on my own as I tend to go out late and it's just easier. ( I don't go to work) And it's quite common amongst our friendship group.
Last weekend I received a long text trellng me friend is no longer talking to me, she is furious with me for "abandoning" my child , she cotes that her grandmother aparently permanently conoletely left her mother aged 11 and this had created problems in her family ever since). So she has huge issues with me having time to both escape and sorry or my psychosocial welfare which was in shreds. She said The fact I expected my husband to learn to cook ( he had never lifted a finger) is also unforgivable, - he leaky couldn't book an egg. And the fact I went on dating apps after he and I broke up means I am no longer the type of person she can ever be friends with again. Clearly those in abusive relationships are just meant to suffer, or if she can't see it it doesn't exist.

Clearly I find this utterly nuts and think she's insane, I don't want to be friends with someone sojudgemental. I'm very bothered by the fact when she sees us with her god child she completely blanks her despite her shouting and waving. What planet do these pepole come from ??
i don't think its me. My other fiends don't think it's me. Soneone like this isn't a loss yo me. I'm just ranting. I do feel sorry for my child that behaviour is unacceptable. And you don't do that to an inn8cebt child when you've made a point of seeing them every week if their like until now

sorry this is so long if you got here

Thoughts would be interesting.

I like to hear all three sides to this story before forming any opinions on the friend and the DH.

It is obviously a very complex situation and I think we should be careful not to judge based on limited information.

It sounds like you have a circle of other fun bohemian types who prioritise dancing and staying out late, alone time, treading the unconventional path, who can validate your choices. You don’t need your ex friend.

There's so much about your story that I'm curious about, not that's it's any of my business but I'm still curious. How on earth do you afford a property all for yourself if you don't work? Do you come from family wealth? If you do, and you say your family are supportive, why didn't you take your daughter and both stay with them whilst you got better? Presumably they live in a mansion or something. If you're not wealthy, again, how do you afford this life of going out late at night and not working? Why did you start dating again 3 months after a major relationship trauma? Maybe you just come from a different world to me as this is all so bizarre and alien, I just can't imagine anyone I know being able to do this, even if they wanted to.

I would judge you too. How could you leave a 6yr old. That's utterly terrible. Your his/her mummy.

It all sounds like the usual car crash of mental health issues but with enough money to prop things up. I suspect it is clear to everyone (including the OP's family) that the child's father would have retained custody, and it was not a case of the OP abandoning the child, so much as everyone recognising that she needed to be elsewhere until things stabilised.

Obviously none of it is normal in any social group and this friend doesn't want to pretend it is. I wonder if she may have previously accepted the OP's view of events and then come to realise it wasn't 100% reliable.

If your husband abused you so badly it made you suicidal why on Earth did you think it was ok to leave your child there? You recovered enough in three months to go ‘dating’ now everything is hunky dory again and you’ve moved back in. But still go dancing twice a week and stay out all night. You seriously don’t believe this is the best atmosphere in which to raise a child?
As for the friend I expect she knows a lot more than you’re letting on here, and she’s had enough of the drama.

Op is English your second language? I wonder if some of this is a cultural clash with your friend as your decisions sound very unusual to me.

In terms of the emotional abuse I do advise you continue to have counselling and work through things as it can’t be good for your child.

@FlubbersomeFlabbergasted I think what I'm reading is she doesn't want to be friends with you because she judges your behaviour negatively, and you don't want to be friends with her because she's judgemental?

Where's the problem then?

It all sounds like the usual car crash of mental health issues but with enough money to prop things up.

This sums it up well. Though it's getting a bit florid now with the Latin dancing as well as the super wealthy maritally unconventional enclave.

Your posts are barely legible. It looks like you've been up all night drinking and posting on MN. From what I can make out, you and your husband both spend time every week away from your home, so you can "dance". You left because he was abusive, leaving your 6 year old in the home alone with him. You were so ill that you almost had a breakdown, but after 12 weeks had recovered to the extent that you started dating, when it's safe to say that most parents in that situation would have been focused solely on their child and how to rebuild stability for them.

Not surprised your friend is distancing herself. You seem to fancy yourself as some kind of bohemian free spirit but in reality you just sound selfish.

Your friend has obviously experienced a traumatic childhood and/or toxic relationships stemming from how her mother was affected by her own mother abandoning her. She isnt going to be able to look at your situation impartially even though it's different circumstances and theres no point in you being angry at her. It is sad things have come to this and you can mourn the friendship, but just let it go, don't drag other friends into it and focus on your family. Theres nothing you can do about your ex friend, she feels how she feels, right or wrong, maybe somewhere down the line you can both have a conversation if you both want to but not now. Would she see your child without you, take her to the park or something

When did you have chemotherapy?

So your husbands behaviour was no fault of his own as he had suffered a traumatic injury and instead of supporting him you buggered of and abandoned your six year old and went out on dates?

Team friend.

Wouldn’t it be better for your marriage to go dancing together given you share a hobby?

your posts are confusing. In terms of the emotional abuse it’s unclear what this involved and so how this may have impacted your dd.

I'm not going to comment on your decisions - I don't see what value I can add by doing so.

But clearly your friend a) has childhood trauma from what happened to her. And b) rightly or wrongly, observing what you have been doing has awoken those feelings that troubled her as a child.

She has every right to distance herself from the cause of that bad feeling.

This. And you still stay out of the house twice a week because you go out late?! I'm with your friend in this one.

Op, I'm sorry you had to go through that and your friend did you a favor. With friends like these, who needs enemies.

I am also sorry that you're getting judgment from mumsnetters, for seeing your child a few times a week (not even abandoning her!) since men do it all the time and no one blinks an eye.

I get that these posters don't think you should have left your daughter with an abuser, but you were clearly unwell enough to not even being able to take care of yourself so you had to put on your oxygen mask first so to speak. People who haven't experienced abuse will never be able to understand that.

It's not normal for a couple with a child to live in separate places a few days a week!

I would feel exactly the same way as your ex-friend tbh. You sound flaky and self-centred, you have an excuse and an answer for everything, but the bottom line is that where most mothers would centre their child, you centre yourself every time. She's not wrong to end the friendship, and she's told you why she's doing so. You just need to accept it.

I am sorry but no traumatic injury causes you to become an abuser and even if it did, that doesn't mean anyone should put up with your abuse. Get a grip ffs

@Fargo79 I don't drink any alcohol. Up all night yes.
I've tried very hard to ensure my child has stability by being my head and our lives straight..
@Bruisername sometimes we dance together sometimes apart. It's not fixed.
@DrJoanAllenby it was absolutley something he had control over. He refused to acknowledge something which was happening , something which 8 fought tooth over nail to support him through, no one in this planet could ever advise me of not being there every step of the way for him through out his difficult time because I was, he however got very amnesty and rather tab acknowledgement any of what was happened( nothing to do with me or his family) he just started to take it all out on me he became excessive controlling, very very Angry, shouted at me constantly and was really really nasty so the time. He became obsessed about the way I did everything and everything had to be a certain way and watched me do things telling me how to do things. He never left my side.
I had my chemo in oct/ nov. I did that alone.

Counselling, sorted. He had realised eventually that his behaviour was not normal and was triggered, he's now behaving like a normal person more or less again. Things are calm. I was a mess. Happily now better.

This, completely agree best response so far

This ^^

You say that you made unusual choices that required stepping away to save your mental health.
And yet you think your friend unreasonable for doing the same.

You sound like you’ve been through a really dreadful time. People aren’t going to be able to understand from a brief description. But as to your friend, keep her at an arm’s length. She sounds interfering and annoying.

I still don't get what you are saying about chemo? Yes, chemo is done alone, no, it does not get done in a single month, or even 2.