Finding 'friend's' behaviour completely insane IANBU to think you do not treat a 6year old like this .

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

Just a bit of rant really.
Been friends with someone who lives nearby for about 15 years, when we met had almost identical life circumstances. She and her husband became godparents to my youngest child now aged 6.5 years.

Over The last 3 years I started experiencing a lot of emotional abuse in my marriage and very controlling behaviour which drove me to the point of almost a complete breakdown. All my friends were aware if this and to most of then and my family it was very apparent.

I temporarily moved into another property- my child was unaffected by her father as the behaviour was directed at me and her home is 3 mins from school. She stayed put. I saw her every Monday and had her Wednesday night and every Fri and sat night ans all day sun too, we tried to do a family activity this day and things were calm. Husband attended intensive counselling.
Initially I had thought we were breaking up and went on a few dates which he knows, i obviouslu I chatted to friends about this.
All this is relevant.

Now the friend situation:
Every Christmas we do a gathering and all exchange presents. Friend couldnt find a free time (she's always very booked) so I dropped the presents at her house. She left them on our doorstep unopened saying she didn't want to accept them and wanted " a friendship sabbatical". Thought this was odd but she has some funny ways so let her get in with it.
Since then things have improved I have moved back home but still have 1 or 2 nights a week on my own as I tend to go out late and it's just easier. ( I don't go to work) And it's quite common amongst our friendship group.
Last weekend I received a long text trellng me friend is no longer talking to me, she is furious with me for "abandoning" my child , she cotes that her grandmother aparently permanently conoletely left her mother aged 11 and this had created problems in her family ever since). So she has huge issues with me having time to both escape and sorry or my psychosocial welfare which was in shreds. She said The fact I expected my husband to learn to cook ( he had never lifted a finger) is also unforgivable, - he leaky couldn't book an egg. And the fact I went on dating apps after he and I broke up means I am no longer the type of person she can ever be friends with again. Clearly those in abusive relationships are just meant to suffer, or if she can't see it it doesn't exist.

Clearly I find this utterly nuts and think she's insane, I don't want to be friends with someone sojudgemental. I'm very bothered by the fact when she sees us with her god child she completely blanks her despite her shouting and waving. What planet do these pepole come from ??
i don't think its me. My other fiends don't think it's me. Soneone like this isn't a loss yo me. I'm just ranting. I do feel sorry for my child that behaviour is unacceptable. And you don't do that to an inn8cebt child when you've made a point of seeing them every week if their like until now

sorry this is so long if you got here

Thoughts would be interesting.

I won’t lie. I am a bit biased reading this because I remember my mother “running off” for a while after my father beat her up. Both of them knew that I had witnessed it but of course it was never spoken of again, as I surely would forget about it. I never did, and I am pretty sure that your daughter will have witnessed and picked up on things the same way.
I am not judging you for separating temporarily to sort out your marriage issues, and I think your “friend” was very wrong to tell others about this. I will judge you for choosing to totally ignore your child’s needs and welfare here, but as stated above I am probably quite biased in this regard.
Having read your updates I don’t think you will change your mind though because you are incredibly defensive.

Please proof read your posts, the amount of typos make it really hard to follow.

It's not always fair but some people will really want to withdraw from anything they perceive as dysfunctional. It sounds like your friend doesn't agree with your decisions and feels her family would be better off not being exposed to your situation. I'm not sure that you would be able to change her opinion.

You’ve been thrown into a very difficult situation OP and it’s truly not for me to judge. I’ve been sectioned before due to a mental health breakdown, I wasn’t able to care for my children at the time, but luckily for me their dad was on the scene and stepped up for both the kids and myself. I was incredibly lucky to have that support at the time and I will never forget everyone’s kindness. I did encounter a few people who didn’t understand, who judged me and stepped away from my friendship. I have forgiven them- they did not understand how seriously unwell I was at the time.
It’s really not for any of us to say how unwell you were at the time or why you did what you did. You say you had to leave so I will take you at your word. You have remained in contact with your daughter and I hope she isn’t scarred by the events. I think the reason you are getting some backlash here is because you say your husband was abusive to you. Those are strong words and obviously people have taken that to mean your daughter isn’t safe where she lives. Based on that only, you are receiving these comments.
But you are telling us now your daughter is safe and so I’m stepping away from this message and just want to wish you well in the future. Good luck 🥰

I suspect your friend will be saying what everyone else is thinking
You cannot be so naive to believe that your husband was so bad you needed to leave ,yet not bad enough for your daughter to leave
I'm sorry but you can't have it both ways
He was either bad enough for you both to leave
Or not bad enough for either of you to leave .
I stayed , because I couldn't manage 3 DC with SN on my own
And I can't understand how he was bad enough for you to leave ,but ok for her to stay .

I'm amazed at the harsh responses here. I find it really easy to imagine a situation in which a man is emotionally controlling of a woman to the extent that she has to leave because of her mental health, but is also behaving appropriately towards his children.
And, yes, of course the 6 year old will have been affected by seeing their mother ill-treated, but why would that mean that the best solution for the child is moving out from the home with which they are familiar? It sounds like both parents shared the care of the child during the separation in a way that was calm and mature - that is the way to minimise the child's suffering, not some default decision to take them out of their home.
As for the friend, either she has more information than we on this thread have and her judgementalism some foundation, or she is acting out her own history of feeling abandoned. If it is the latter, I would just let her drift away. The fact that she is godparent doesn't really need to force a continuation of the relationship.

So op was too unwell, to look after her dd (lots of sympathy for this) but its a 'you go girl, you look after you!' Re leaving the dd alone with an abusive person so she can go out on dates and party? I'm trying to imagine the response to a "my husband doesn't work, but likes to go out partying a couple of nights in the week, so I'm paying for him to have a flat in town so the poor love doesn't have an arduous trek home after his night of drinking... oh and no responsibilty for childcare of course!"

This, especially when initially op went to stay with parents? 'Hey mum and dad Brian is so abusive I need mh treatment and to move in with you till I get a new flat of my own. Oh 6 yo Betty? Nahhh just leaving her there. This is about me'

I don't find your posts very easy to follow - who had chemotherapy?

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, no I wouldn't support a friend who left a six year old with an abusive man and went off dating - what were these dates for? Presumably just sex, as you were not in a position to start a relationship? It doesn't seem like your priorities were right here - surely your child should come before sex with strangers?

I have had chemotherapy, and can't see what the relevance is here- or is someone in your story having chemotherapy?

You should probably start by not telling your entire friend group your personal business.

If your parents were supporting you and everyone knew your DH was inflicting “psychological warfare” why wouldn’t you take her to them rather than leave her with this man ?

it doesn’t make any logical sense.

This is the sort of thing where children grow up and remember it very differently, which may or may not lead to a broken or NC relationship with their parent. You justify leaving the house due to very poor MH, which is fair and many mums have been that situation. However you seem to be enjoying going out and dating and the convenience of staying out late which is at odds with what you just described.

Your partner is still the primary caregiver or main solo parent in this situation. It's a bit risky to believe that a man who's extremely abusive to his partner would be a perfect father and fulfil their children's needs on all levels. Especially as children give "nothing back". Abusive men usually thrive on getting some sort of validation of their ego or power. They do not give and give just for the reward of caring for another human being. At some point the relationship with their children will turn abusive because they need an outlet for their urges or the children train themselves into being hyperaware of their parent's needs and catering to every whim so they remain happy.

Whatever the case, it's not what a happy childhood is made of.

If you are affluent and have means as well as parental / family support as per your posts i find your behaviour much LESS understandable not more.

I agree with others.
In no world would i be out dating before having full custody of my child, suicidal or no.

Also the notion your DH isnt abusive to your child is nonsense. Firstly people dont operate in a vacuum. Even if they did, consider... in your absence who is left to abuse?

I get where your friend is coming from.

Willing to take any flaming I get:
I don't believe the husband was as 'abusive' as OP claims. I think it's more likely he hated her bullshit of going out 'dancing', and probably god knows what else, and tried to put in some boundaries. OP didn't like that, so took it bad mentally (I think there was probably mental instability already judging by updates).
If he was that abusive then she shouldn't have left her child, and yes, she abandoned them.
So broken she's going on dates, plural?
If I was her friend I'd have backed away as well.
I'm judging the OP, and she's writing all this from her viewpoint, god knows what the other sides would have to say.

I agree @Mookie81
The real story behind this situation would look very different.

I just find the whole thing so strange.

So do most people including me! You can say all you like that you're so happy with how things are now and lots of people you know live like this and it's great for you both and the dd and that why so many of your rich married friends do the same.:.

But that doesn't stack up with the reality, if you were on the brink of a psychotic breakdown and went through this hell for a month or two then started dating to explore the world some more... then it all got better and he learned to cook and you went back and it's all good now apart from this 'insane' friend who isn't on board with your version of the journey and you're framing it as her attacking your 6yo, which is not what it's all about clearly.

As people have said, live your life as you choose, but you can't expect others to buy your version of it and maybe when you're more settled you'll change your narrative about it anyway. The friend is not the issue though and not a friend so forget her.

I take every post on this place with a pinch of salt.
I'm not saying I don't believe other women by any means, but so many people on here blindly take everything a poster says as complete fact and lick their arse, instead of even considering they are posting from their own viewpoint and are going to be biased to make themselves in the right.

I was your child in your situation when I was growing up. What you did by leaving your child will never ever be forgiven nor forgotten. Quite rightly so because it's unforgivable.

Horribly selfish

@Mookie81 I'm a Latin dancer, or rather was profesuonaĺy when I was younger. My husband was too. He could ask any person they're if I was there, got hire long and what I was doing. If I wanted to get away with something, that wouldn't be the place!
He goes there the nights I don't. It's how we met 25 years ago when he was s pupil I'm my class.

Not a clue what you are saying? Maybe sleep it off?

Op even though it's your thread, and you're trying to paint yourself in the best light, you really aren't coming across well, so I can only imagine the reality is much, much worse.

Your friend did exactly the right thing, I would be stepping away from the drama too.

@FlubbersomeFlabbergasted Are you drunk? Genuine question because your posts are becoming increasingly difficult to read and understand

With respect, you seem to believe waiting 3 months between being suicidal due to your marriage and going on dates is a long time. You may not have a clear view of your situation.

Your husband has gone through a trauma triggering abusive behaviour and you were suicidal.
And you decided that was the time to be dating?
OK.

Did you get any diagnosis at the time of your mental health crisis OP? Eupd for example?

A lot of your friend's behaviour was not ok(like telling other people about your relationship).

Ignoring your child when they used to have a close relationship is not ok.

Her thinking you abandoned your child... well, I can see where she was coming from.

The friendship is done.