Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

What a lovely post and a lovely way to see old age/ retirement :)

I agree some of it is born out of having the time to think about these things and how we would 'ideally' live our lives.

Also though, I do think there's a lack of self awareness/ social awareness with the teapot thing... it sounds like they had no idea that OP was starving and how it would be coming across to be faffing about something as minor as a teapot.

So perhaps there's something in not getting out much and losing a sense of social awareness/ empathy for your guests!

Fair point but it's when the level of worry is completely disproportionate to the problem which is where anxiety gets out of control and becomes harmful. Eg worrying about a roof leak and the cost of repairing it- hard to fix so understandable. Worrying that you've made tea in the wrong kind of cup- little over the top as this is easy to fix.

Long term anxiety isnt good for people, it raises cortisol levels, lowers your immune system and shortens your life. Being able to let go of excessive anxiety about small things is good- mindfulness is helpful for this.

Make your own tea.

After 60+ years of being a blue arsed fly a few lovely years of faff is bliss. Nothing to worry about other than whether you have a cold cheese sandwich or a toasted one? Bliss. Freedom to choose whether to catch an earlier train, and if so do a bit of shopping before lunch and if so where, and what, or not? Heaven. Time to write a list, revise it, lose it, write another one, find the first and check you haven't missed anything (only 5 items on it anyway)? Luxury. Just you wait.

Aww they sound lovely op. So much nicer to natter on about ham and tea than say to sit silently staring miserably out of the window refusing to engage as some can do. Some people old and young are just anxious and it manifests in fussing. It can be masked when other things are going on but comes into focus when everyone is a bit less occupied.

Embrace the faff! Just be pleased they don't have any serious problems to be taking up their time.

My DH is only mid 50s but since our DCs have left home he seems to have embraced his 'routine'. Particularly in the mornings .... his alarm goes off 1.5 hours before he is due to leave for work. Feck knows what he does in that time but if I venture down to make a coffee, he is visibly stressed that I'm in his way in the kitchen, whilst he's faffing about. I'd rather have another hour in bed.

It particularly galls me that whilst we were in the thick of teens and trying to get them out the house (one hated school), he was nowhere to be seen. He'd get up, shower, straight down the stairs and out.

Exactly. It'd be like saying anxious or depressed people have nothing to be anxious or depressed about so why are they?

Feelings are valid, we often can't understand other people's behaviour but if they're family just smile and support them.

I know on MN that generally the menopause is blamed for anxiety, but I really think as you get older, your world generally gets smaller and that is coupled with getting into a certain routine. Any deviation from that routine then makes you feel a bit stressed/anxious.

First of all I would ask: are they just anxious around me, if yes, why?
And no, we are not all like that. I’m 77. I still sail a lot, we have a motohome towing a smart car which we take to Spain and then onto Morocco.
My husband ( same age) still races at SantaPod.

Exactly. It'd be like saying anxious or depressed people have nothing to be anxious or depressed about so why are they?

Which is why anxiety and depression is treated seriously by doctors (hopefully!) and medication or therapy is prescribed. If someone is depressed or anxious you dont just smile and agree with them because that wont fix it will it? It's a serious matter that requires intervention. True anxiety about every small thing is highly distressing and actually exhausting for people and it can ruin lives and make people miserable. Therefore, if the anxiety is constant then it needs addressing.

Yet in my experience the elderly tea-pot faffers can offer much wise advice to younger generations who worry in different ways. The elderly may dither over ham, but can reassure you that your children will be fine, that that argument at work doesn’t matter, and the like.

im 75 and still easily produce a decent meal for 12. Collect grandchildren from school, feed them, often have them stay over
i get tired more easily - I’m getting older.
anxiety is simply something that arrives slowly as we age. I still drive long distances but don’t enjoy it as much as I did.
patience really is a virtue. If you’re lucky, you’ll live into old age and might even find yourselves faffing a bit

Oh God I go through the TV guide with a highlighter. I am not even 34 yet.

I think faffing is genetic OP.
My late MIL was a champion faffer. It could take 30 minutes to leave the house/say goodbye.
My family on the other hand, goodbyes take 5 minutes at most. We are very much a 'get a grip' type of people even in old age 😂
Both my daughters are also champion faffers so maybe they have inherited it through their dads side.

saffronflower
I think though most people are up and down anxiety wise and that’s just life- your worry about the roof will go when it’s fixed (I hope, and hopefully soon for you!) but then something will make you go ‘oh crap I don’t have x and such and such is on the way’. My mum acts as that poster’s mum does over tea and biscuits but in extreme situations she is solid as a rock and keeps us from panicking!! Agreed mindfulness is good though!

In my 70s and definitely not a faffer. Out everyday this week with different friends and/ or DH. Organising Easter lunch for family and memorial service for my mother. I think it depends on how you have always been - your personality gets exaggerated. So I am probably just getting more bossy.

@stayathomer Thank you! My roof is fine thankfully- that was just an example.

Thats great that your mum is so calm in a crisis- she sounds awesome 😊

This!

Plus the older generation probably wonder themselves what the younger generation are fretting about when things were so much tougher in the old days.

Feelings are relative, we all get anxious over things that others take with a pinch of salt.

@RRINMIM this made me laugh! Reminded me of the time my sister asked Dad if she could call on a particular day with the kids (4 hours drive for her) and he said no to the entire week because he was expecting a plumber at some point 😀.

I have known people like this and they are either old or long term not working.

A friend acidly remarked "well they have got the whole day to get through" which is the reason for this maddening behaviour.

See also calling working women up in the middle of the day for a chat or making arrangements during working hours.

Yes! Aunty Glynis! "I called the doctor and they arranged to call me back, and when they did, the phone rang and they said Is that Mrs Smith so I said yes, and then I told them about my bad back and....." She's told me about each phone call and appointment with razor sharp precision about ten times each.

My MIL is like this, she likes her tea in her tea pot, her breakfast with her cereal with her nuts, her own bed (cannot tolerate other beds), her rituals, so lunch has to be cheese/cold meats, if you put something hot in front of her at lunch she finds it very odd and will keep asking about why we have 2 hot meals a day… she feeds the dog at 7am and 5pm on the dot. When she’s with us she’ll say at 5:10, aren’t you going to feed your dogs?!

Christmas with her isn’t enjoyable as it’s all about timings, not opening presents early, asking me why the kids have got so many presents… which plates to use, no TV… and she’s so absorbed in the kitchen we don’t see her, which is sad for the kids.

This year I hosted for this reason and it was a much more relaxed atmosphere.
she’s getting more inflexible as she gets older for sure. She’s 65, and fully retired and I’ve seen her get worse since retirement.

This comforts me to read as I always feel like a terrible daughter and daughter in law because these traits drive me mad when visiting our parents. I’m steeling myself for Easter visits because I manage to stay patient and seemingly engaged while my internal narrative is my head about to explode from the insanity/tedium of it all. They have all got worse as they get older.

I think faffers are born not made. Mate of mine is an unbelievable faffer, just going to the pub with her is a major expedition! She's always been like it

I have told my husband that if I ever suggest going around the supermarket together, he has my permission to take me out and shoot me! It's just so unnecessary and would definitely lead to faffing 😂