Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

I was staying at MILs house once and she was honestly in the kitchen from about 11am til 6pm making a chicken pie, using ready made pastry and M and S tinned chicken in white sauce. I literally can't compute what she was doing all day!
SIL is a SAHM and MIL was quite amazed once that she went to the gym on the same day that she had invited friends for dinner!

Having said this I'm pretty good at faffing but I don't take hours to make food!

I think this kind of behaviour falls within the scope of obsessive compulsive behaviours. Coupled with the time blindness and inability to grasp how this might affect others, it would suggest some form of autism.

Would love to try this. My only fear is I wouldn't escape & how long they leave you

You're not literally locked in😀You can leave any time you like. The only thing keeping you there is the determination not to fail.

Yep, this thread is pretty sad 😞.

I think it's sad because of the implication, laid out by the OP, that it might happen to them. It will in some degree - it's called being set your ways and many will already be that way right now in their 30s though don't see it.

I've spent the last hour discussing Sophocles' dramatic methods, and analysing text modes for persuasive writing with a tutee but can still inwardly faff about putting on the right spread for visitors. Meh.

I think that's quite nice actually. It says that they have the time to maintain high standards, so they should. It's all about turning small daily tasks and routines into something more enjoyable that enhances their day. I don't think that counts as faffing necessarily.

To me, the faffing is the constant indecision and taking ages to get to the point, doing the simplest of tasks really slowly (yes, yes, I know....we will all get there one day) and just over-thinking everything. Making something small and inconsequential into something problematic and hard work when it needn't be. And losing all ability to pick up on cues from others that now really isn't the time for XYZ and nobody is interested because they have other priorities at this very moment.

I remember my lovely FIL, in the midst of a domestic emergency that required swift action and a clear path through the house to the front door, just standing gormlessly in the doorway between the room where the emergency was happening, and the hallway, blocking everyone's path while they tried to deal with said emergency. He just had zero awareness that he was in anyone's way. He was only about 72 and didn't have dementia. He'd previously held a very responsible position at work, had retired fairly early and basically spent most of his retirement being ever so slightly drunk. From his 70th birthday onwards I was amazed at the rapid decline in his ability to physically react to what was happening around him, as well as a noticeable slowing down of his mental sharpness. Some people do seem to age much, much quicker than others.

I think how we react to it also depends on our relationship with our parents or PILs. If you love them to bits you will see it as endearing and it will bring out the carer/protector instinct in you. You'll be more tolerant and understanding.

If you have a complex relationship with them, you are more inclined to feel irritation and alienation and a dread of becoming just like them.

I had hoped my elderly parents would become more benign and easy going as time moved on. How very wrong I was.

Agree. Unfortunately, she doesn't understand how her behaviour affects her life and every single person around so she doesn't see the problem.
Food preparation takes AGES, she needs to rinse every single used meat package, every seasoning in "her" way. She basically needs the whole day for some simple food, like roasted chicken in the oven.

I feel like this has suddenly shone a light on my SIL's behaviour which has baffled us for years. She is so painstakingly slow at everything she does in and out of the home. It takes her half an hour just to make four cups of coffee because she has a specific way of doing it. Cups that are already clean from the dishwasher must be rinsed again, dried, filled with plain boiling water to heat them up, emptied out, fresh water in kettle and boiled again, then separate spoons for the coffee and the sugar, milk decanted into a jug and heated in the microwave. It's just goes on and on and on.

My nephew was seven weeks old at his first Christmas and my SIL spent all Christmas morning wrapping his presents, only to then unwrap them for him that evening! She was oblivious to her house guests (us) during all of this just not recognising that maybe we would like something to eat or drink on Christmas Day. In the end DH and I asked if we could start cooking lunch to help and she was really, really offended, just went very silent and cold on us. In the end she got lunch ready but it took her over two hours even though everything was ready-done from Waitrose, but she would only put one thing in the oven at a time. It was just so painful.

@Arraminta I do feel for your SIL in this scenario though. I think that as a culture we completely underestimate the skills and resources needed to host house guests well (see the recent thread on that very subject. Your SIL (and perhaps, others around her) were being entirely unrealistic to think that she could do Christmas to normal (for which, read excessively high) expectations, with basic cooking abilities and a 7 week old baby wrecking her sleep. Maybe some tactful conversations need to be had about what might be most relaxing for everyone in future.