Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

I’m in their age group. I haven’t got time to faff, in between running one of the local societies, observing the canonical hours, doing the garden and the neighbours’ gardens if they ask for help or advice, getting the chosen plants ready for the flower show in early April, researching a historic topic for an exhibition in September, working on the 7 foot by three foot ‘Chinese wallpaper’ mural in one of the bedrooms….

I do the shopping , cooking and cleaning too.

Though I do waste a lot of time on here, which may count towards my faffing quotient.

Yep. Discussions with colleagues with older parents, the eye rolling at the faffing. It used to take 40 minutes to get my mum out the house, losing bthe keys!

I can see my husband turning into his dad…

My parents faff more, but since ADHD runs in the family it means they do things at a normal human speed rather than at the speed of light.

My in-laws are champion faffers, I have to mentally steel myself before visiting and regularly pray for patience whilst there! MIL hasn't worked in decades, she's always been a faffer. FIL retired 8 years ago and has learned faffing from MIL extremely well.

My mum is only 60 and works full time (full health) but I've noticed how much more anxious in general she gets. I'm not sure if it was the menopause, or just having less responsibilities now living alone, but she does seem to find some simple things more stressful these days, from driving through to organising certain things.

I am sure that as we age mentality we start to age backwards with our behaviour a lot of elderly act like toddlers 🙈 I've seen it way too many times stroppy fussy etc.

But yea I think lack of routine after years of working can do that to anyone no longer having to rush around or clock watch etc.

My mum bless retired in her 50s and she's similar now time blind lack of any routine other than get up potter about and occasionally go to the shop.

They probably have lunch on their lap in front of the telly. They were just really pleased to see you and wanted everything to be perfect so it all got a bit over engineered !

bless them. ❤️

Re meals needing to be bang on time, my FiL was always like this, ditto his sister, dh’s aunt. I swear their mother must have dinged it into them as kids that if you didn’t have absolutely regular meals, on the dot, you would sicken and die.

The aunt used to fret herself into a right old tizz when visiting friends in France, where the time was an hour later than the U.K. ‘I’ll be all out!’

I used to work with a faffer. He was only in his 40’s but I used to sit at my desk and wonder at his level of faffing. I work from home now and greatly miss this as it was endlessly entertaining. Before going for a call out or meeting he would get up and down bounce about, adjust his belt for no reason, look round, faff with his papers on and on. Amazing..

Remember old age in mammals is unusual. By rights, your body should pack in once you can no longer breed. So humans have this weird dichotomy of a body that's winding down, but a brain that is still extremely curious and capable.

So your physical orbit shrinks: no work, less travel, shopping etc, but your brain is still asking questions, mulling over ideas and problem solving. I think that having routines also becomes very important, as your existence becomes more fragile, hence the teapot.

It's irritating but kind of sweet.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to becoming old enough to get a pair of pruning shears and call DH outside so we can ponder togther over whether to cut above or below the nodule.

That video....thats my mum....I'm gonna kill myself at 65 if I start to get like that. I just can't....

This reminds me of trying to get out of the house for a big family meal at a restaurant with my parents and siblings. My now-DH was witnessing the faffing process with he jaw on the floor, then my step-grandparents arrived. DH said later that he’s hoped they would be Leaders of Men and take the initiative to get everyone galvanised… how I laughed and laughed 😂😂 We did get the restaurant… eventually 😳

We still can’t get them out of the house in a sensible timeframe. Taking the dog for a walk when we go to stay is a production in itself. The Finding Of The Wellie Socks, the Application Of The Boots, the decision on where we go… you’re talking 30 mins at best (while we all sit on the sofa, having been ready within about 5 minutes).

I am also concerned that it may be genetic 😳

I'm in my 50s and have noticed some faffery creeping in in some situations, certainly when I compare myself to the young adults in my life who seem to glide seamlessly through situations in which I'm slower and need to take more steps to navigate. Any reading for example, instructions on tills, barriers, tickets, notices etc involves a change of glasses and a stop, my eye sight no longer up to the walk by absorb at a glance I once did. I'm also slower on my phone than they are (peck with my index finger rather than the two thumb wizardry they do in seconds) so if I need to find my E ticket, directions, where so and so said to meet, my train time, there's another stop and pause of a duration that could be classed as a dither.
I don't faff about teapots and ham. I'm still too busy with work and outside interests to think of these things as important. But if my life took place largely in the domestic arena perhaps I'd put as much thought and care into what I served guests as I currently do into my job. We shall see.

Keep a copy of your post OP, you'll be there sooner than you think. If you think it's annoying to observe just wait till you have to live it and qknow it yet be unable to alter it. It's even less fun than you think it is.

I agree with this. My parents had voluntary roles well into their old age and neither suffered any signs of Alzheimer’s. I would always take over some of the food prep and cooking when I visited them, not because they faffed but as part of being back in the family again and helping out. It did also smooth the way when they got very old and things just took longer, but I’m talking late 80s/early 90s not 70s.

I'm old, I don't faff. My DD however is a champion faffer.

I’m 70 and plagued by faffing relatives, all much younger than me.

I think it happens die to inactivity / lack of things to do. I am finding the anxiety that comes with it heartbreaking. The overwhelming atmosphere that, if the ham is served on a wrong plate, the world will crumble.

Oh dear, OP. I've recently noticed that my DP of 28 years has started faffing an awful lot more (61 a few weeks ago). Before we leave the house there are long monologues involving consulting the Met Office and wondering about whether they have enough layers just in case. They quite often go off to change/ add another layer, then rethink. This for an hour's trip to the shops. The thought of getting a bit cold or a bit hot seems to horrify them. Being a menopausal woman who is constantly too cold or too hot I find it very difficult to deal with.

My partner is 72. Still works in a fairly strenuous job 3 days a week and attends a hobby the other two, plays in a band and enjoys socialising. He cooks every night, sometimes 3 different meals, he does all the long drives when we go on holiday and does all DIY work needed in our house. It's not always an age thing, it's a person thing.

Toddlerteaplease
My mum worries about things that aren't problems. Because she's got nothing to actually worry about.
But they’re worries for her, that’s like saying we’ve no worries if we don’t have life changing, earth shattering events happening!

I think it's a range of factors such as your activity levels, your personality, and also your genes will play a part.

I do strongly believe that staying active - physically and mentally - can help to ward off some of these things.

Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s faffing, or just finally getting to live life with precision. I never had time for gardening and always associated nice gardens with old people faffing around with lawns, but now I think that I would like to properly maintain and care for my property and make it visually appealing.
I just take my dog out walking in whatever I’m wearing and stuff the poo bags in my pocket, but one day I will have more time for this ritual and get one of those leads that has a bag holder attached, and wear the perfect shoes for the weather, and maybe even make a coffee in a travel mug to enjoy on the way.
There are so many ways that I would like to do things but I just don’t have the mental energy for it. Maybe I will enjoy becoming a faffer and getting down the exact teapot for the occasion.

So many things on this thread are relatable to my own parents bless them!

My parents are also on the cusp of 70's and champion faffers. Mum is particularly bad, but like someone pointed out earlier in the thread, she retired very early (50!), so she's spent a lot of time with not a lot to do...

Totally agree, we know people our ( over 60) age that have always faffed. We love them dearly, but spending more than 4 days with them is trying.
Today we’re walking the dog, playing our individual sports, gardening and food shopping. No time to faff!