Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

@InTheTimeItTookMeToEatAnEggSandwich

Thanks for the link. Thats Just like my parents 😂😂

I think it's a way to fill the day, so better to stay busy!

That whole 'if you want a job done, ask a busy person to do it' vibe.

There's no time to overthink something or allow a triviality too much headspace if you're busy with 'real' stuff.

If the days & weeks just stretch out ahead, meal decisions, paint colours, what to plant in the garden - can all be agonised over 🤣

My great-aunt travelled a lot well into her 80s & was interesting & did new things & always had good chat. I don't think becoming neurotic about mealtimes is compulsory either.

I still fear turning into my mother & I'm sure it will happen regardless 🤣

They sweat the small stuff because (thankfully) they don't currently have big stuff to worry about(or it's a way to not focus on bigger worries). I get it's frustrating but also sweet they care so much.

That's been my experience too.

Anxiety. It’s heightened anxiety that seems to motivate the need for fixed routines and rigidity.
If they don’t host often anymore then the stress of that can cause faffing. Going away etc. basically anything out of the ordinary. Getting older creates vulnerability.

The endless chatter about minutiae is so annoying to others, but comforting to them I think. Like an echo chamber. I find it hard to listen to the long conversations entailed in deciding what is for dinner or why the neighbours haven’t put their bins out in time! I am too busy and feel like my life is ebbing away just listening to it!!!!

I can't wait to retire so I can faff about ham. Bring it on. I'm tired of worrying about useless shit at work that bores me stupid.

I'm not a faffer at all, the opposite. But nothing you've mentioned bothers me.

My parents are exactly like this, except for the dinner on the table at 6pm. Because of all the faffing there's not a chance in hell they'll have dinner on the table for 6pm. They start saying they'll get dinner started around 5pm, won't actually make it into the kitchen until at least 6pm, then something which would take me fifteen minutes from entering the kitchen to sitting down to eat will take them at least an hour, and then there's all the extra faffing even after the dinner is on the table so the person cooking never actually sits down for about another fifteen minutes. It's ridiculous, I have no idea what takes them so long, because god forbid you enter the kitchen while they're cooking. They have a kitchen larger than any I had when I lived in shared houses, in which I and all my housemates would happily cook separate meals at the same time, but just so much as enter the kitchen to get a glass of water and there's so much huffing about how you're getting in the way.

My dh is 64 and a ditherer.
Everything has to be thought about.
I make quicker decisions about food,plans,life.
It's painful and depressing.

I guess it’s a combination of having more time and slowing down as they age. I think retiring completely and perhaps not replacing work with anything else (like a hobby) js partly to blame as well, since not everyone faffs as they age.

I hate this, too. I have a sibling who's just a few years older than me, and she will endlessly chatter about mundane things.

her social media, she post endless weather updates, countdowns to various holidays. She's still working too, but I think she's made her life very small.

I don’t think anything beats the extreme faffing of people putting their luggage into overhead lockers on planes. Men worse than women. And some nationalities are worse than others. Why, when you’ve just spent half an hour sitting in the departure lounge, would you need to reorganise the contents of your hand luggage once you get on the plane? But they do.

Agreed and I’m sure OP will be exactly the same one day and her DC will be saying the same!

I am 💯 going to be an elderly faffer if I make it to old age!
I am 40 now with two teenagers, plenty of pets and a full time job to keep me distracted however....if I am off work for any length of time (usually over Christmas) I quickly fall into faffing routines.
Cleaning, cooking, tidying can keep me busy all day, if we need to nip to the shops for something it fills me with horror! How will I possibly have the time, I need to hurry up with the hoovering etc. Luckily the logical part of my brain takes over and I realise I am normally doing all of this on top of a full time job/kids activities etc but there is no hope for me once I retire!

Of course you will. It’s genetic 😂😂

I think this is why, unless you have the cash and inclination to constantly travel/study/party, it’s important to stay in part time work or have a somewhat demanding voluntary gig.

Else you faff to fill the day so your interior life and your life-life shrinks.

A friend of mine is an NHS psychologist - and says we all need to retire later to minimise chance of Alzheimer’s - I don’t think that’s just her eccentric opinion, I think there is research to back it up.

Hilarious and adorable at thr same time

In your spirit of lightheartedness I would say that judging by your post you already are like them. You say "if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive" and then say that you die from hunger and frustration at the time it takes them to make a cup of tea. Pot. Kettle. Black.

@WearyAuldWumman so sorry for your loss. It's been a really crap time for you x

Oh gawd, I hear you!! My parents are both mid-late 70’s and both very sound of mind and my mum is very physically able but this is exactly how they operate too. Days just blend into meal times, coffee times, preparing for the next meal, asking a billion unnecessary questions……it drives me nuts! I think lockdown has hit them hard as they’ve got out of the habit of doing a lot of things they used to do during the day and are only just getting back into going out and about more.
@Toddlerteaplease my mum does that with food too because seemingly my nuts, porridge oats, jam etc aren’t up to standard or she doesn’t believe we have shops in this major city!

I disagree that's it's older folks or retirees, with posters are asserting their lives are so empty that they faff and focus on the minutiae . In my experience, faffers are faffers. With the worst being 'people pleasers' - whom I find so none pleasing: is the temperature warm enough for you, 10 minutes later, are you cold? a bit later, I can turn up the temperature if you like. Ditto on almost anything else - eg what time to meet up, what to eat ad infinitum

I think it's the boredom. They have nothing better to do, so every tiny aspect of life warrants a discussion. My dm used to discuss bus timetables - it did my head in.

I'm 60 and still working full time, head of dept, 15 yo ds revising for gcses this summer. I can home cook and serve a meal for two in 20 mins if necessary, be out of the house at 6am. No sign of losing it yet.

When I retire I'm going to set up a little business related to my hobby. Supplement my pension, do what I enjoy, but that WON'T include sitting around all day, bored stupid.

The saying 'use it or lose it' is true, and applies to your brain as much as to anything else.

you are describing my husband. He's only 64 and has become like this in the last year. He snips coupons and writes letters of complaint.

My theory on this is that it has three causes

• you have more time and therefore time to faff
• you're no longer making big decisions so the little ones have greater significance in your life
• (with my parents at least) talking about which coat to wear or whatever can count as a conversation when they don't otherwise have a huge amount to say to each other as they spend all day every day together.

We won’t be able to retire until 70 odd, so faffing won’t happen