Please tell me we all don’t end up like this

[Queijo]

Just spent a few days with my parents who are now entering their 70s.

The FAFFING. It took 25 minutes(!) to serve up lunch because they couldn’t find the right teapot, and then, horrors of horrors, it wasn’t the right ham. So they had to have a very intense discussion about the properties of ham. Whilst I’m slowly dying in the corner from hunger and frustration.

Cups of tea take decades to make, is this the cup you want? Do you want decaf? No? Oh ok I’ll just get the special non-decaf pot down. Are you sure you don’t want decaf? Right. Sugar? No sugar?! Since when?

Can’t say no to cup though or there’s 3 days of fraught discussions.

Lunch at 12 noon dinner at 6pm. CANNOT under any circumstance deviate, and if anything is taking slightly too long to cook it’s the end of the world. God alive 😂

I’m exhausted. Please tell me I’m not going to end up this way.

LIGHTHEARTED before anyone starts! I love them dearly but they never were like this before.

Same here and I'm in my late 60s. I can't abide faffing.

This ^^

Dh has always been a faffer.
Fortunately he loves being in the garden so in good weather I can avoid his faffing! 😂

My dm is 88 and doesn’t faff but because she loses everything all chores need time to find stuff, usually her hearing aids and medications. This culminates in her handbag being upended on the carpet causing more work.

Perhaps they will grow out of it? I'm soon to be 81 and can't be bother with anything boring like is ham ''on'' or not.

My parents don't faff but do get distracted part way through so so go off to do something in the middle of another task. I'm learning not to mention things until at an 'end of task'.
Though I have been staying with 94yo Dad whilst Mum is in hospital and he freely admits he has a 'thing' about keeping track of teaspoons. They only have 3 out and he likes to know where they are at all times!

Retirement doesn't mean you stop doing things. I don't know how I found time to work, I'm doing the things I didn't have time for when I was working. I don't have to rush as much but that doesn't necessarily lead to faffing. I'm afraid my husband, who is younger than me and still working, is a faffer.

menopausalmare
When you have lots of spare time on your hands, you can drive and walk slowly, write letters to the council about wheelie bins and go through the Radio Times with a highlighter and check for TV/ radio programme clashes (and before anyone complains about my ageism, I'm referring to my own parents).
This is so true and yes I think we’ll all get there. The one plus is, whereas I get to my mums with the kids in a big mad hurry (because I may need to get back to collect dh/get something done), my mum sits and properly listens to my kids and asks them questions and takes time over everything where I don’t always have time to. They regularly come out saying’nana’s really nice isn’t she?’

Sometimes she draws with them, but actually draws, whereas I’d sit at the table but am folding something or doing something at the same time. If I try to hurry the kids with something she’ll say ‘oh don’t worry about it, we’ve loads of time.’ And my kids learn patience as she’s on a walking stick and shuffles so they have to wait forever longer than usual but they’ve learned not to be impatient. (Oh god I’m crying)

You do know saying "lighthearted" doesn't automatically eliminate ageism, don't you?

Oh god yes. This drives me crazy and doesn't seem to be related to age as people of all ages do it.

I'm in my 60s and semi-retired. I don't have a packed programme of activities but I don't faff and it irritates me when other people do. I think as a PP said it's down to a particularly character trait that gets amplified as you age. I also think more anxious people are more likely to be like it.

One of the most dynamic, energetic, decisive (and slightly frightening) women I know is aged 85. On the other hand I know a few 20-30 year olds who faff like nobody's business. It's down to character, not age.

Ha ha - so true

@WearyAuldWumman you've had a really tough time 🌹

🤣

I don't mind faffers, it's busy people who irritate me. Especially when the go on about how busy they are, when to me it's just ... life.

I had 15 (lovely) months of maternity leave and found myself going down this path towards the end. Fussing about washing and shopping and the time DH came home.

My mum has also gone this way in retirement (lunch for 12pm is ready by 11.30 and eaten at 11.45. Do you want cheese? Definitely cheese? You could have spread? Or cheese?) So I see it in my future.

They retired in their 50s? That's the root of the problem. It's far too young

Now they're in their 70s . Possibly going to be alive for 10-20 more years

That's one heck of a retirement!

There are many people like this, they're not unusual

Im

I dont think retirement is good for everyone. Obviously I am not suggesting that people work until they are 90 before anyone comes at me. BUT, it's really important to keep mentally stimulated even if you are retired.

That doesnt have to be work of course but keeping fit, going out, mentally challenging yourself etc. My dad looked forward to retiring early and ended up just sitting on the sofa watching tv all day long despite being a highly intelligent man with a chemistry degree and a very stimulating job. I noticed he deteriorated mentally and physically very, very quickly after that. Equally, my nan was was the same- hardly ever went out, became obsessed with curtain twitching and what the neighbours were doing and developed anxiety.

There is different types of faffiness I think. My parents have the timing thing with food. I don’t mind it so much as it works with my children’s routine but it drives my sister mad with older kids.

My in-laws over complicate things. You never get a simple meal but every serving dish needs to come out and things take hours to prepare and then put away and it all becomes a big stress.

I also wonder how much grief has to do with it. MIL hasn't had a major death in the 10 years since FIL died. However, one of her good friends died in the autumn and three more of her social circle have either died or been given a prognosis of only a few months to live so far this year. I remember feeling like being in a fog when grieving. Is faffing just a demonstration of that? And if you can spend ages deciding on a tea cup, does that give you some sort of control when you're very conscious that you have none?
On the other hand, I was conscious I wa a becoming a faffer on maternity leave so went back to work earlier than originally planned

@alphabettispagetti agree with this

My mum worries about things that aren't problems. Because she's got nothing to actually worry about.

The more I read about this, the less I want to retire early.

See this in my own parents - the faffing but also the level of detail they are concerned with. I’ll get a story (usually about going to the doctors) but the first 20 mins will be about the various parking options they explored, the pet shop selling bedding plants and a chat with someone they met on the way whose third cousin is moving to Australia (none of whom I’ll know).

Retirement can be a dream but also a spiral down. Probably not a problem many of us will have to worry about!

I know someone, who puts everything she does on Facebook. To show how busy she is. Even down to cleaning her glasses, washing up and changing the sheets.

I am feeling better about my need to work well I to my 60s now!

My mum who never worked had this small life thing going on when her family left home.

My sister and I still remember a zoom call where we suggested we would both come and visit the following weekend if it suited her. She was frozen. Couldn’t decide. Said she knew she already had something happening and would have to check. At the end of the call she announced she had remembered. They were getting a takeaway on the Saturday night.

Sis and I suggested that both things could happen but she said she liked to spread out events so could we do a different weekend instead. 😁

Is faffing just a demonstration of that? And if you can spend ages deciding on a tea cup, does that give you some sort of control when you're very conscious that you have none?

I think so too.