3 year old running across busy road, WWYD?

[dinoyoga]

Would like to know how I should have / can handle this situation which I'm sure plenty of parents have experienced.

My DS age 3 (3.9 so nearly 4) ran like the clappers across a very busy road today. We were just leaving his childminders and walking down her small driveway bit. I was doing up his bag, then suddenly he just bolted out across the road. It's a very busy road (B road?) usually streaming with traffic, bus route etc, especially busy at that time of day. By some stroke of miracle luck there was a gap in the traffic as he ran and he reached the other side unharmed. I shouted stop really loudly as he ran but he completely ignored me. Obviously it was awful and he could have been killed.

For context, he's always been a bolter and a very lively energetic boy. I had him on a bag with reigns when he was smaller and still hardly take my eyes off him and often feel on edge and unable to turn my back like I see other parents sometimes do. He will do silly things. I've been taking him to childminders with me on foot or in the bus recently (London) so haven't used the buggy since he was 3.5. I've been gradually trying to trust him more, with things like letting him go a few metres away safely when it feels safe, eg inside a museum, or not holding my hand if he doesn't want to if we are in certain settings like a pavement on a quiet street. Eg I used to hold his hand tight up until he was inside the front door of childminders, but now I let him run up her driveway himself. Normal expectations for a child at nearly 4.

I've always held his hand next to roads or on pavements and been teaching him about stopping, looking etc. I thought he was starting to get a bit more "sensible" and that I could trust him slightly more.

I was so shocked and frightened today I thought I need to make him realise what he did was never to be repeated, so I spoke very sternly towards him and properly "told him off" saying you must NEVER do that etc. His response was to say "I don't like it" (mummy sounding cross) and not listen to me. He put his hands over his ears.

I don't usually "tell him off" in a cross tone and generally prefer using a gentle but firm tone. I'm a teacher and use similar techniques so I never shout. The only exception to the rule is in health and safety situations like today when I shouted stop, but instead of shocking him in a good way, it fell on deaf ears! Also my telling off was very passionate and cross because I deliberately wanted him to realise the importance of the lesson. I thought that given I never speak to him like that normally he might be shocked into hearing the lesson.

Unfortunately it seems he didn't learn a thing and now I feel how can I trust it not to happen again. Next time we might not be so lucky.

How do you get through to them at this age about this stuff? How should I handle this?

My child did almost the same thing at the same age. DH bought and read Road Safety books to her the following day. She loved them. The very next day she darted into the road to jump in a puddle outside Nursery. Unfortunately, they are young and naive, and distracted. Vigilance and a firm grip/reins are the only things.

People will say reins but if he's anything like my boy he will rip them out of your hands and then turn them into a weapon. The only thing I've found to help is not going anywhere, stop all trips to shops and parks because he would just run off without a care and if you have to take him anywhere but a secure area grabbing clothing at the scruff of the neck. He's 5 now and still does it so you might be in for the long haul! I did suspect my boy has ND though.

Thank you. He's too old for reigns now though! He's almost 4 and the tallest / biggest one of his friends.

Road safety books are a good idea though.

Reins and not opening the door until you’ve got him secured. It’s the safest way.

What about one of those ones that go round his wrist?

You have to go back to making him hold your hand everywhere again. Act like a baby, treat like a baby. End of.

Firstly, sending you a big hug, as I know from personal experience how scary this was.
Secondly - what do you do? You hold their hand firmly as you now know you cannot trust them. Other children may be more sensible and trustworthy but yours isn't.
Also make it clear to your childminder and anyone else who might look after your child that he needs to be held onto when out.

(At almost 4, my DC ran into the road in front of a van which luckily stopped).

Wrist strap and he’d be holding my hand, pull back on the freedom, actions might speak louder than words for him. What a fright you must’ve got, my second did something similar at the same age and I was livid with him.

I don't usually "tell him off" in a cross tone and generally prefer using a gentle but firm tone.

Well you have your answer right there.

What do you mean by that?

Precisely trying to reason like a adult with a 3 yo is ridiculous.

When was I trying to reason with him?

Reins. You absolutely cannot have a child bolt across a road and ignore you.

If he can't be trusted to walk on the pavement it's that or put him back in the buggy. Strap him in at the childminder's and refuse to let him walk. Keep making the point to him that he ran across a road and so you have to treat him like a baby, not like a big boy.

I thought he was starting to get a bit more "sensible" and that I could trust him slightly more.

And that's exactly why accidents happen. There isn't a 3, 4, 5 year old (and lots older) on the planet who is sensible. Just because they don't (do whatever) doesn't mean they won't (do whatever). Children are unpredictable for a very long time!

But now you know, you can gear your outings with that that in mind. Hand hold always near roads and threaten with reins (have some visible even if they are not used) or buggy if he doesn't stay with you.

And he isn't too old for reins if he doesn't hold your hand. No other option.

She means that if you shouted at him he wouldn’t run across roads, apparently.

It sounds really scary. Reins can be a useful tool with young toddlers but there obviously does come an age where they just aren’t suitable and there are safety concerns about wrist straps so I don’t like them. I think all you can do is be super vigilant about holding hands, difficult I know.

I think you did the right thing in the moment. I think withholding shouting for when it's really needed if quite an effective technique and I would have really, really told him off. Just because he didn't seem to be listening doesn't mean it didn't go in.

I would go back to holding his hand everywhere or reins and explain (many times) this is because of the time he ran in the road. Don't let him forget.

Do you think he has any SN? It is behaviour more commonly seen in toddlers.

It's very frightening when that happens.What about a backpack with the reins?That way,he won't feel restricted as such,and you can pull him back if he tries to run

Put him back in the buggy until it’s safe. My eldest was in the buggy until 5 in certain situations because he’s a bolter. Reins also work, just buy a more robust pair.
Many years ago when I did something similar as a small child my mother picked me up and slapped my legs. Didn’t do it again.

I've no idea about SN. He's quite spirited / sensitive eg "more" of everything. Generally loving life, a thrill seeker, but super super stubborn. He's bright, and switched on.

Reins. After reading on here about the twin that died running into the road I don't know why anyone wouldn't say them
You can hold a hand as tight as you want but they can so easily slip away

Reins he would be able to get off and he would fight me. He's very tall and heavy for his age, plus incredibly strong willed.

Distracting, making things into a game, etc is my usually modus operandi but this wouldn't work for reins. He would just undo the clip.

He's too old for reigns now though!

Of course he isn't, if he needs them. And he does.

He said that he didn't like you shouting at him. So tell him that if he ever does that again, then you will shout at him again.
Tell him you shouted because you were frightened that he would be hurt.
Basically put the fear of God up him.
But also, don't ever let go of his hand.

I agree he’s too old for reins and so do the manufacturers. We had one of those little life backpacks for ds and it does say it’s for ages 1-3. The Ops ds is nearly four.

In our case there are SEN, but I absolutely put my almost 4 yo back in reins for a couple of months for repeatedly running off, including across the road.