3 year old running across busy road, WWYD?

[dinoyoga]

Would like to know how I should have / can handle this situation which I'm sure plenty of parents have experienced.

My DS age 3 (3.9 so nearly 4) ran like the clappers across a very busy road today. We were just leaving his childminders and walking down her small driveway bit. I was doing up his bag, then suddenly he just bolted out across the road. It's a very busy road (B road?) usually streaming with traffic, bus route etc, especially busy at that time of day. By some stroke of miracle luck there was a gap in the traffic as he ran and he reached the other side unharmed. I shouted stop really loudly as he ran but he completely ignored me. Obviously it was awful and he could have been killed.

For context, he's always been a bolter and a very lively energetic boy. I had him on a bag with reigns when he was smaller and still hardly take my eyes off him and often feel on edge and unable to turn my back like I see other parents sometimes do. He will do silly things. I've been taking him to childminders with me on foot or in the bus recently (London) so haven't used the buggy since he was 3.5. I've been gradually trying to trust him more, with things like letting him go a few metres away safely when it feels safe, eg inside a museum, or not holding my hand if he doesn't want to if we are in certain settings like a pavement on a quiet street. Eg I used to hold his hand tight up until he was inside the front door of childminders, but now I let him run up her driveway himself. Normal expectations for a child at nearly 4.

I've always held his hand next to roads or on pavements and been teaching him about stopping, looking etc. I thought he was starting to get a bit more "sensible" and that I could trust him slightly more.

I was so shocked and frightened today I thought I need to make him realise what he did was never to be repeated, so I spoke very sternly towards him and properly "told him off" saying you must NEVER do that etc. His response was to say "I don't like it" (mummy sounding cross) and not listen to me. He put his hands over his ears.

I don't usually "tell him off" in a cross tone and generally prefer using a gentle but firm tone. I'm a teacher and use similar techniques so I never shout. The only exception to the rule is in health and safety situations like today when I shouted stop, but instead of shocking him in a good way, it fell on deaf ears! Also my telling off was very passionate and cross because I deliberately wanted him to realise the importance of the lesson. I thought that given I never speak to him like that normally he might be shocked into hearing the lesson.

Unfortunately it seems he didn't learn a thing and now I feel how can I trust it not to happen again. Next time we might not be so lucky.

How do you get through to them at this age about this stuff? How should I handle this?

For my dc we had reins that clipped at back so he couldn't unclip.

I think it's good that you shouted at him because it hopefully shocked him into taking you seriously and understanding that you were upset. Otherwise, he doesn't get the gravity of the situation. Children can be upset sometimes, for the right reasons.

It's only a few months until he'll be in reception and really he shouldn't be doing this kind of thing at the age he is now. Most children I've ever known would wait at the road, even a small one. If he was my child I would probably try rewards for walking nicely and take them away if he didn't do it.

My DS was like this. It aged me.

The telling off didn't fall on deaf ears. You were frightened and shouted. He was probably frightened. The slightly increased anxiety may help him think twice before acting on impulse next time. I rarely shouted at mine but they still remember and talk about all the times they caused carnage and I lost it - that time DD1 pushed DD2 in the pond and jumped on after her and I shouted fuckng hell in the playground because we didn't have spare clothes with us is a favorite( they are late teens and adults now). They didn't jump in the duck pond again though...

Otherwise focus on handholding, getting his attention, look at shop windows, count buses, that kind of thing and lots of praise for waiting well at crossings etc. He isn't choosing to be naughty he's just small and impulsive so make being a bit calmer rewarding.

Put a backpack rein on backwards? I know he's a bit old for it but honestly if he's behaving like that you really have no choice.

Hi OP, I have a 3 year old DS too that I’m teaching road safety. One bit of advice is to practice on quieter streets, pop on a hi vis, and walk around looking at road signs, traffic lights and road markings/crossings. We also play a stop, go game everytime we walk anywhere (it’s as simple as the game name) and fun for him. A few times, he has run ahead on the way to the shops and didn’t listen when I said stop. So we walk back, and start the route again so he has another opportunity to practice stopping. It’s so tricky, but necessary, to always reinforce road safety. I’m really glad little man is okay, it must have been so scary for you xx

Straight in car, pinned in car seat. Then sort bag out.

No point in telling him not to run, he's too young

Also, lock the car so he can't get out.

Needs must and all that.

I'd put him back in reins and if he doesn't like it tell him that if you can't trust him to do as he's told there's no choice. I'd stay in reins for the next 6 months before trying again however much he might plead about being a good boy in future. Road safety was always absolutely non negotiable with mine when they were little. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about as you have unfortunately just discovered. Forget about how it might look to others, you have every justification for keeping him connected to you because he can't be trusted

My dc2 was a bolter.
She went straight over the road at 5. Coming out of rainbows during covid they brought them to the road. She saw our car opposite as i was getting out!
(After that we only parked on the same side for pickup)

Dc1 was awful and not trustworthy around roads but did get better around 4.

You have to parent the child you have - if they run off they need something to stop them.

There maybe sen (dc1 being assessed for asd/adhd)
And suspect asd for dc2.

Basically they dont respect authority (dc2 does at school though).

How is he for childminder.

Make sure to tell school when he starts. As a friends ds absconded on a school trip

It's time to get angry, it could save your sons life.

They really need to do what you say, not just at that moment but generally. If they know they need to do what you say the scary one (for you) will also be obeyed. How you do that depends on your parenting but it has to work.

I bit of shouting is OK whatever the wokes say, it may save your child;s life. They have to know to do what you say.

Harness reins are made for children and adults. You just need to extend your search a bit.

Yes I think that's what it's looking like

You can't trust him and it's actually not fair to trust him - he clearly can't control his impulses yet.

The only solution is to prevent him being able to run into the road, so holding hands with no exceptions. Possibly back in the buggy if he might be able to jerk away.

It wouldn't hurt to have regular reminders to him why you're holding his hand - really reinforce it.

1- You get cross, very very cross and you do tell him off instantly if he does this . You give him a shock. This can not be tolerated.
2- Always hold his hand , or his wrist very firmly idf he is being difficult This can not happen again. He was lucky. Next time he may not be.
3- Road safety. Don't mess about being soft. Point at a hedgehog on the road and make it clear that is what happens if you don't cross roads safely.

Do I sound harsh?
Well I have delt with more children hit by cars than most.

I think the problem with reins generally are they rely on compliance.

Dealing with a resistant two year old is one thing but a resistant almost four year old is another. Reins have their place but they aren’t the answer here IMO.

My friend's sibling died from an incident exactly like this.
Reins/buggy/car seat.
You were so lucky this time

He clearly isn't too old. My son was the tallest (by far) of all his peers, always has been. He too was a bolter, so he was either on reins or in his pushchair until he was cognitively mature enough to realise he'd get run over if he didn't stop sodding about. It's not rocket science, I really don't understand what you're struggling with.

@Decemberandjuly

Dealing with a resistant two year old is one thing but a resistant almost four year old is another. Reins have their place but they aren’t the answer here IMO.

Keeping the child safe whilst trying to teach road safety is the answer imo

I’m not doubting your word at all. But I do think it’s worth mentioning that child fatalities on roads are not only down but down very significantly over the course of the last fifty years and that’s despite reins not being as commonplace and traffic increasing a lot.

Of course, a lot of it is down to increased supervision generally as there aren’t specific stats for under fours. But it does suggest to me that reins aren’t the automatic answer they are always pushed to be on here. I think they can actually lead to problems. A child on reins doesn’t follow instructions because the reins act as a natural ‘stop’ to prevent them wandering off.

I know they have a place and we had the backpack ones, they can be useful. But for a child starting school in September, I would say not.

Keeping them safe depends on their compliance though, at this age.

There is no too old for reins if it’s what’s needed to keep them safe. The hobbledehoo harness on Amazon goes up to about age 8

You do what a parent with a disabled child does - put him back in a buggy. And yes, you can get a buggy big enough. He can’t be trusted and if you want to keep him alive, you keep him safe.

When he’s old enough to understand properly, then he walks.

My DS recently turned 4yo; he's never been a runner/bolter and always been incredible sensible around walking with me (as a 2yo he was able to walk 1.5 miles with me to playgroup along busy roads, and home again with no issues, no reigns, only holding hands when crossing roads or if he wanted to) - I've trusted him to walk ahead of me (obviously not far) and to wait before crossing roads since before he turned 3. He'd never, not ONCE, behaved dangerously around a road until just before he turned 4 when within the space of two weeks he stepped into the road THREE times without even looking (twice we were waiting at traffic lights which luckily were slow moving) and once went straight across a road on his balance bike. This was months ago now (hasn't happened again but I'm much more cautious) and I'm still not sure what happened - I think maybe he didn't know the WHY so was testing boundaries, and I hadn't thought to explain just how dangerous roads are because he's always been so sensible.

We've since talked a lot about the dangers of cars, the rules of the road, and also... I've pointed out roadkill an explained that they were hit by a car and are now dead. Perhaps a bit harsh, but he wasn't frightened by the conversation - he asked some questions like "do birds/hedgehogs always die when they're hit by a car" and "will they ever be not-dead again?" and we answered them honestly as we aren't a religious family nor do we indulge in euphemisms around death. I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again like I used to, but he is vocal in explaining why we wait at roads and stay close to mummy etc now which makes me feel better.

Adding that after the first instance I put my 3yo back in the pram during at walks on major roads and these instances all happened on small residential streets when I was trying to build back up confidence...