3 year old running across busy road, WWYD?

[dinoyoga]

Would like to know how I should have / can handle this situation which I'm sure plenty of parents have experienced.

My DS age 3 (3.9 so nearly 4) ran like the clappers across a very busy road today. We were just leaving his childminders and walking down her small driveway bit. I was doing up his bag, then suddenly he just bolted out across the road. It's a very busy road (B road?) usually streaming with traffic, bus route etc, especially busy at that time of day. By some stroke of miracle luck there was a gap in the traffic as he ran and he reached the other side unharmed. I shouted stop really loudly as he ran but he completely ignored me. Obviously it was awful and he could have been killed.

For context, he's always been a bolter and a very lively energetic boy. I had him on a bag with reigns when he was smaller and still hardly take my eyes off him and often feel on edge and unable to turn my back like I see other parents sometimes do. He will do silly things. I've been taking him to childminders with me on foot or in the bus recently (London) so haven't used the buggy since he was 3.5. I've been gradually trying to trust him more, with things like letting him go a few metres away safely when it feels safe, eg inside a museum, or not holding my hand if he doesn't want to if we are in certain settings like a pavement on a quiet street. Eg I used to hold his hand tight up until he was inside the front door of childminders, but now I let him run up her driveway himself. Normal expectations for a child at nearly 4.

I've always held his hand next to roads or on pavements and been teaching him about stopping, looking etc. I thought he was starting to get a bit more "sensible" and that I could trust him slightly more.

I was so shocked and frightened today I thought I need to make him realise what he did was never to be repeated, so I spoke very sternly towards him and properly "told him off" saying you must NEVER do that etc. His response was to say "I don't like it" (mummy sounding cross) and not listen to me. He put his hands over his ears.

I don't usually "tell him off" in a cross tone and generally prefer using a gentle but firm tone. I'm a teacher and use similar techniques so I never shout. The only exception to the rule is in health and safety situations like today when I shouted stop, but instead of shocking him in a good way, it fell on deaf ears! Also my telling off was very passionate and cross because I deliberately wanted him to realise the importance of the lesson. I thought that given I never speak to him like that normally he might be shocked into hearing the lesson.

Unfortunately it seems he didn't learn a thing and now I feel how can I trust it not to happen again. Next time we might not be so lucky.

How do you get through to them at this age about this stuff? How should I handle this?

Thanks @Essie274 that's reassuring

@Decemberandjuly

Keeping them safe depends on their compliance though, at this age.

Hence my suggesting for reins

An almost four year old who won’t wear reins is not going to be safe wearing them. The Op needs to be working on getting her ds to cooperate not obey. If that is genuinely impossible and I don’t think it is unless special needs then alternatives are one thing but I think reins could be quite dangerous at this age if the child resists.

My son did this at about the same age. I smacked him immediately on the pavement. Not something I thought I would do, and not something I was proud of in the moment. But he never did it again.

Following for ideas as I've got one too. They are too large for their reins and can undo them now.

My only answer is to insist I hold their hand at all times. It's terrifying. I yell STOP and that doesn't work

Thanks for the tip

A lot of the reins say for age 1-3 they don't fit above that. Someone else has suggest some larger size ones below

How on earth is that helpful. OP knows its not ideal

Wrist straps or insist he's holding your hand then play stop go stand on one leg touch your nose game you join in and look silly make it fun and exciting so the word stop is a good thing....let him have a few steps of freedom in safe places
What does your cm do does she have issues?

this.

My DS's would have done this at 2 but not at 4, and they were lively toddlers!

By 3/4 they could understand instructions and would generally do as they were told.

Although DS2 did try to 'leg up' a car when he was 3 ffs

If he's a runner never too old for reins. The firmest grip can't keep control, lesson learnt personally. X

So nearly 4 is still 3 and it's guidance not safety to use it on 4 year olds.

For my grandson (5) we have a wrist link that can only be undone when the parent strap is on the clip.

He's a bugger for getting out of stuff, skinny and all arms and legs, not got out if that yet!

We mainly use it now in places that are likely to be busy.

I can’t believe you’re trying to argue or reason with a 3 year old about listening to you or not running across the road they need to go in the pram or back on reigns they have no concept of danger at that age and don’t understand anything

sympathies I have a similar aged child similar bolter tendancies. I insist on hand holding at all times near the road and can't trust him not to ever . Then I let him run about in safe spaces like the park to practice 'stop!' and praise him when he does- this is an upgrade from a few months ago where it was wrist strap everywhere as had a new baby in a sling and the bolting had understandably increased with new baby dividing attention.
He's similar to a shop lifter being apprehended/prisoner on day release dying to escape to take out and about really! and needs 'constant vigilance' as mad eye moody would say!
I'm not sure when he'll be ready for a looser approach but I also agree that other children can be supervised a bit less rigidly at this age- just not our sort of kids! No SEN here by the way, he just loves running and chasing and can't understand the road danger yet but is beginning to talk about 'roads' 'running over' 'cars' 'being safe'

It’s unsafe if he can unclip it. My own ds is only just three and could easily unclip reins. I suppose that’s the point really, it turns it into a battle which I don’t think it should be. I do think most NT three year olds can grasp the concept of something being dangerous.

Re smacking to the poster who suggested that, it is illegal in three of the four UK countries. And should be in all four.

DD was a runner until she was about 6. I bought a wrist loop as she could wriggle her hand out of mine even if I was holding it. I remember once having to pin her to the counter with my knee in a card shop just so I could pay. I'd already had to chase after her once, luckily a man strategically got in her way for me.

Does he know what will happen if he gets hit by a car? I don't parent with fear either, but ds5 knows he will be squashed, and it will hurt. And there are a lot of herring gulls, pigeons, and even a badger once here that had been. He asked about age 4 once where a bird's head was as he thought it had flown away on it's own. So I told him. He wasn't upset, just thought about it for a bit. He's very careful around driveways and such now when he's scooting home. We used reins until about 3 as he's hyperactive and frequently injuring himself, doesn't look where he's going etc.

His younger sister is not remotely like this, happily plods along and waits at the edges of pavements. If reins, wrist straps, whatever are needed to keep them safe, then they're needed, whatever the age.

My daughter used to run off down the street laughing when her baby sister was tiny so couldn't run after her. I got wrist reins and made her wear them. At first she thought it was funny and would pull on them but it soon became embarrassing for her and she wanted them off. Eventually I gave her a chance but always had them with me and the threat was enough to stop her.

I see you said he's too big for reins but these are the ones that we got. This will be fine for home my 5 year old big for his age nephew wore it fine. It has a lock on the child one and the key is on the adults.

amzn.eu/d/cysmKXJ

My 4yr old wore a little life backpack with reins. She would bolt and ignore me so I had to keep her safe.

I would tell him if he runs in the road he will be hit by a car and die. Sometimes kids need to be fearful of things. Why as adults are we careful when we cross the road? Because we are scared of being hit by a car and dying!
I’ve always been honest with my kids. You do this you’ll get hurt. You do that and you’ll die. They are now sensible kids.
Id also use reins that clip at the back or a wrist strap until he could be trusted.

Just another thought-there are road safety videos on YouTube for young children 😊

My dd did similar. Just bolted across a crossroad with no warning and a van had to slow down (not emergency break) and tried to argue that she'd crossed the road perfectly and didn't need me. I lost my shit at her and not had that problem since. She's 7 now and absolutely shit at properly looking left and right so has to be right with me still. If he can't follow the rules the reins need to go back on. What happens on trips out with the childminder?

DS has ASD and we used a Crelling harness until he was around 7 years old after he nearly ran into a main road in rush hour around the same age. They buckle at the back.

We also did lots of practice like a poster did above we him getting more freedom if he listened to instructions when walking ahead.

Now he is older he understands more, but still almost got hit by a car running away into the road from a dog who scared him by running towards him on the pavement. Luckily we have managed to work on his fear of dogs since.

It is not something to leave to chance, if he gets hit by a car it could be devastating.

https://www.crelling.com/product/walking-rein/