3 year old running across busy road, WWYD?

[dinoyoga]

Would like to know how I should have / can handle this situation which I'm sure plenty of parents have experienced.

My DS age 3 (3.9 so nearly 4) ran like the clappers across a very busy road today. We were just leaving his childminders and walking down her small driveway bit. I was doing up his bag, then suddenly he just bolted out across the road. It's a very busy road (B road?) usually streaming with traffic, bus route etc, especially busy at that time of day. By some stroke of miracle luck there was a gap in the traffic as he ran and he reached the other side unharmed. I shouted stop really loudly as he ran but he completely ignored me. Obviously it was awful and he could have been killed.

For context, he's always been a bolter and a very lively energetic boy. I had him on a bag with reigns when he was smaller and still hardly take my eyes off him and often feel on edge and unable to turn my back like I see other parents sometimes do. He will do silly things. I've been taking him to childminders with me on foot or in the bus recently (London) so haven't used the buggy since he was 3.5. I've been gradually trying to trust him more, with things like letting him go a few metres away safely when it feels safe, eg inside a museum, or not holding my hand if he doesn't want to if we are in certain settings like a pavement on a quiet street. Eg I used to hold his hand tight up until he was inside the front door of childminders, but now I let him run up her driveway himself. Normal expectations for a child at nearly 4.

I've always held his hand next to roads or on pavements and been teaching him about stopping, looking etc. I thought he was starting to get a bit more "sensible" and that I could trust him slightly more.

I was so shocked and frightened today I thought I need to make him realise what he did was never to be repeated, so I spoke very sternly towards him and properly "told him off" saying you must NEVER do that etc. His response was to say "I don't like it" (mummy sounding cross) and not listen to me. He put his hands over his ears.

I don't usually "tell him off" in a cross tone and generally prefer using a gentle but firm tone. I'm a teacher and use similar techniques so I never shout. The only exception to the rule is in health and safety situations like today when I shouted stop, but instead of shocking him in a good way, it fell on deaf ears! Also my telling off was very passionate and cross because I deliberately wanted him to realise the importance of the lesson. I thought that given I never speak to him like that normally he might be shocked into hearing the lesson.

Unfortunately it seems he didn't learn a thing and now I feel how can I trust it not to happen again. Next time we might not be so lucky.

How do you get through to them at this age about this stuff? How should I handle this?

Today my granddaughter ran towards her grandad in a carpark as a car came up a ramp into the car park. She also bolted towards her dad in a busy station this evening. She is four and a half and very sensible but they are also emotional little people. I will be even more careful next week when I see her. I think all you can do with your little boy is keep telling him about the danger of roads, driveways and carparks and keep vigilant yourself. Here we also have lots of shared bike and pedestrian roads which can also be dangerous.

I would have lost my shit at him to really show how dangerous it was.

The suggested books and testing him like a baby and making him hold your hand are good ideas.

You have to make it clear it cannot happen again.

Hold hand /wrist tightly or use reins or last resort a buggy

Reins clip on backwards so can't undo

Never let go of hand ever

Tell him as he can't behave nicely and safely you will treat him
As a younger child and he had to walk beside him holding his hand

You know he bolts yet allow it

Sometimes need to shout and get cross. Esp over something dangerous

He could have died or at least been hit / injured

You and him are lucky

But this shouldn't happen again

We had a wrist strap. You still need to supervise, but they can’t just tear off straight away. Given time a four year old can probably undo it, but not as you’re walking along with them, and not in a moment as you’re about to put them in the car etc.

This sort of thing. https://amzn.to/4anX8EB

With things like this does the springy bit not just expand when they run into the road?

If they are too old for reins, they are too old to run across the road.

Other option is wait until they run across the road again and if they survive, have a deep meaningful chat.

Just get some big kid reins.

I'm glad your child is okay! I used reins that had a harness which fastened in the back and fastened them through my belt so we were physically tied together.

These type https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cerolopy-Walking-Harness-Anti-Lost-Toddler/dp/B09XDP1ZC8/ref=asc_df_B09XDP1ZC8

I always liked the hedgehog road safety adverts, but he might be a bit young still.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNkpbQ4RaGfExlx5xs5jXuyyb59GZpcF5&si=rkcp7LL3A8FUEkLr

I think it probably did 'go in' to his brain even if it didn't seem like it. You were right to give him a big telling off. I would insist on handholding from now on. If he doesn't want to hold hands you can hold his wrist or get the back clipping reins. It's extremely impulsive behaviour and could easily happen again.

Then he doesn't go out to the park, parties or anything else.

After all, if you are really so helpless when faced with roughly 3 foot of child that you can't guarantee his safety by attaching chest reins because he'll cop a strop, you'll have to keep him indoors.

Personally, I'd put the reins back on precisely because he doesn't like them - as then he'll have to stay with you if he wants them taken off. And if he even steps one foot away from you on a (for pleasure) trip out, you turn around and go straight back home again. Every time.

You wouldn't be saying 'It's too hard' if it were a child in your care on a school trip, you'd either be ensuring that your flight risks stay close all the time or the school would be refusing to take them out at all - and you wouldn't expect your childminder or his teacher in Nursery to let him run, you'd expect them to either have somebody holding his hand all the time or not taking him out in the first place.

99% of us value our dogs enough to keep them safe on the pavement with a lead, even if some people disapprove of restricting them or the dogs themselves aren't keen. Some can even learn to stay to heel without running off, but we do on the whole take that extra step to protect them because they're dogs and they're daft at times. A 3 year old human is a comparable intellect (if not lower), but they don't get kept safe because they might not like it?

My DD is 14 now, but my worst memory is of when she was around 3 or 4.

We lived very rurally, and had gone out for a walk with DS1, who was 15.
A car was approaching in the distance. DS1 moved to one side of the grass verge, DD and I at the other.
I had a reasonably firm grip of her hand (or so I thought), and we stood waiting for the car to pass.

At the very last minute, DD must have decided that she wanted to be on the same side as her brother - so, she lost my grip and bolted across the road to him.

If it wasn't for that driver (who was quite a young lad) having a super quick reflex, I dread to think of the outcome.

10 years on, I've never forgotten it.

You hold his hand with an iron grip. Non-negotiable. If he's not happy you explain it's because he can't be trusted not to run into the road.

I had a bolter too, so I sympathise.

She means that sometimes with small children you have to be emphatic and definite. No ifs no buts, you will not disobey me and that’s the end of it!

Small children do not have the impulse control or emotional maturity to reliably make rational choices based on gentle explanations .

Over some things you need to be firmly direct and show them that it is unacceptable to disobey

My DS was like this. It aged me.
It really does... horrible.

First of all, big hugs to you OP, what a terrifying heart-stopping experience 😢 you did the right thing by telling him off very firmly. It's a wake up call to be very vigilant, he's still so young and poor impulse control at this age is normal. Kids develop at different rates so don't see it as him being bad. Insist on hand holding for now and lots of reminders of road safety when crossing roads. I'm sure there are age appropriate story books you can get to reinforce the message

If he's impulsive and a bolter he needs reins until he's not.

These are brilliant. If he doesn't like them he will have to be more sensible won't he? Tell him he's growing up and going to school soon and all the other kids will be able to walk without them and he won't have to have them if he is sensible

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lehoo-Castle-Induction-High-tech-Reflective/dp/B0B17J4823/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=1VO2L4CT3W7HM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.r9nkTE2XnCSI1TNFtiohdbxf3mhrzYoPZYPKHJNISb2rTOWvb2sfJOSGK7nhuCsZIMx-2oUUDTXnThVw8fLoXcBjqdO-IjDyrTBkS-d21C55oy1ltEUvjJ1QfafGHY3zcluILJA8jvPr7-sJGMr1nPGZUFDCuJL2f3GGCYtvcsVxrzlIXD_TIQXa7v8CxcxiAQi5ktCG6LOfLUofmZ-QwQ.Dh-inq-V0VNm4hdYx1ej5oDYpe2cdAt-szHs-Dg1A-E&dib_tag=se&keywords=reigns%2Bfor%2B3%2Byear%2Bold&qid=1711147755&sprefix=reigns%2Caps%2C161&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1&th=1

Get reins that harness at the back, get two thin woven belts with some Carabiner clips from the camping shop.

You wear one around your waist. He wears the harness without the original reins (that buckles to the back) and you use the clips to fasten one end of the second belt to you and the other end to the harness.

This way he holds your hand but if he tries to bolt he'll only get a meter before he stops.
As it's all behind him he can't fiddle with it. And as you don't need to hold the reins, just his hand, it will feel more normal.

As I said it's guidance and you can get reins even an adult struggles with or put them on backwards with fastening on the back.
The best option is to teach stop and start is fun from walking in the pushchair as early as 18 months so the word stop means what funny thing are we going to do now I can't wait.

There used to be a road safety campaign years ago telling you to keep hold of under 5s hands on roads. For some reason people don't think it's needed anymore.

You are being far too soft. You need to tell him off in the angry way he didn’t like, sometimes this is all that works. But from now, you hold his hand every single time near a road, or you go back to using reins/wrist strap.

It must be extra hard with more than one.

I had my DD in a buggy until age 6 because she was a bolter. The Baby Jogger buggies are huge and a 4 year old would fit. So much easier than trying to drag her along in reins, she liked getting the lift so never had issues sitting in it.

My ds did this and I took him to the shop and bought him a wrist reign. He hated it but it kept him safe. He was also one of the tallest in nursery and it fit so I would get that or full reigns for safety.

Sen reins? Are they still a thing?

Hold round wrist not hand.

Hold the bottom of back of jumper/coat if they are tall. Only works if fastened up

You learn to hang on for grim death when they are a bolter. One of mine dragged me across the beach in an attempt to bolt across a busy road from between parked cars during an autistic meltdown.

Another one was still supervised crossing the road well into their teens and had their hand held as they were not safe crossing the road or wandering round a carpark. Sod chronological age if their developmental age is younger.