Where do I put the 3rd kid?

[Laverlyjarbely]

I really want another child.

we can afford it, especially with the childcare funding.

we have a large car. But it’s our house.
it is a 4 bed, and probably in the future we’d move but for the short/ med future. Not sure where we’d put the 3rd. So as I say 4 bed, but a small 4 bed. All open plan downstairs and 2 double and 2 singles upstairs.

2 dcs have the singles, and we have a double and then the spare/ office is the other one. Both of us wfh, me 3 days and dh 4.

if on mat leave dh would need a quiet place to work and take calls.

remodelling the house is out of the question. It’s a new build so garden is small already, no no real extension. Maybe a small conservatory, but if well move in the med term is it worth it? Maybe garden office, but small garden would it look weird just plonked there? Plus if moving, do i want to?

do I make some of the dcs share? We have a girl and boy so not sure they’d want to share now. They are both still v young, nursery and preschool age.

where could the 3rd go?

Tuition was means-assessed grants and mine was covered, as was my sister's, which tells you that a) my parents aren't the rich mansion-dwellers you have have thought them to be, and b) that fee structures were different in the noughties, there was none of this £9k+ per year absurdity.

Coming from a family like mine where an entire generation turned their backs on the Catholic "go forth and multiply" teaching and decided to have far fewer kids, I struggle to understand why anyone would prioritise having more kids over having a fat university/college/apprenticeship fund for the ones you already have. And coming from a family like mine, where there was a period of several months during which we had cold baths or stayed dirty when at my Mum's house because she was made redundant, I struggle to see why anyone would not plan their lives on the assumption that they could lose their job at any time.

I am well aware that I am, on balance, extremely lucky to have had the parents I had. Another child would have meant sharing a bedroom, which would gave caused a lot of problems because I am autistic.

Of course I know that most people don't make Oxbridge. I didn't go to Oxbridge myself!

My best friend at school did, only because he got some kind of scholarship. But there aren't enough scholarships to go around and I won't, as long as I have even one penny to spare, allow a child in my family to be in the position of having to turn down an Oxbridge offer, or not even bothering to apply, because of lack of funds.

My grandfather was a coal hewer down the pit and the only reason why his son didn't follow him down there was a university place. I concluded a long time ago that education matters.

So basically you are projecting a lot on to me

youve also assumed I have no savings, it’s weird

So neither you nor your parents paid for your education, but OP absolutely has to be able to pay for her kids (even though most parents don't)?
A child is not being deprived if they cannot go to Oxbridge.
To what extent do you expect parents to plan their lives on the assumption that they could lose their jobs? What should that look like in your opinion?

Wow. All this talk of uni. My experience of long-term planning is that things turn out in a way you don't expect. Save as much as you can when you can.

I concluded a long time ago that education matters.

I value education as do my family despite having very working class jobs and background. My DP had three kids - got two - the younger two to university. I have three kids one at uni - one looking to go Y12 (is considering oxford) and one hopefully on track to go. DSis has two eldest Y12 has no interest in Uni.

We had two of our kids before we bought our first house - had savings but DH career moves around and plan was we settle and buy before eldest hit school age - we did just that.

Had three kids before savings and planning how to pay for uni - now they are there or about to be we have a plan and and have implemented it.

DH at time sole wage earner was made redundant when I was pg with third - very tough time we got through it and DH within 3 month got a higher paying job then eventually career he'd always wanted. Youngest if school doesn't fuck her over with lack of teachers - should have shot at Uni as well. She also shared till 6 and another move - I shared till 16 and despite turning out to be ND managed.

OP sound like she is in a strong financial situation and is looking at space options for next few years - berating her for not disclosing her financial planning for uni 18 years ahead for unconceived child is fucking mad.

There's a lot of other places to get an education than oxbridge.

Could you make the downstairs less open plan and put a wall or double doors somewhere to make an office?

truth fully I don’t think doing any modifications wall wise upstairs is possible due to the windows and radiators.

downstairs, im not sure either. I’d have to have a think, I’m not sure the floor print of the house is truly big enough. Have to have a think

I actually think it’s pretty insulting the comment that that poster concluded education was important, implying that people like you are I raised our kids on the TV and not giving a shit about academics.

the truth is who knows what funding will look like for university in 15 years time. More bursaries may be made available or alternatives for entry to oxbridge or it stands to become even more elitist than it currently is.

Well, you did dripfeed your financial setup and you asserted earlier in the thread that you couldn't afford to send your DC to uni. It's not unfair for me to comment on the information available to me at the time.

My parents supported me with the cost of living at university despite being below the means-test threshold.

Don't read things that aren't there.

In current economic climate, I would aim for three months living costs in the bank, or as much of that as you can manage. It gives you three months to try to find a job before things get bad. I say "aim" because I'm aware that some people are putting the commute petrol on the credit card to make it to the end of the month.

This is the smartest reply to me yet.

"Save as much as you can when you can" bears repeating.

implying that people like you are I raised our kids on the TV and not giving a shit about academics.

Again with this "implying" and accusing me of saying things that I did not say.

It's fair to criticise what I did say but it is not in the least bit reasonable to lie about me.

Perhaps don't offer unsolicited advice about things you have no experience of then

I have four DC, two children to a bedroom. One office, then my bedroom.

I actually think it’s pretty insulting the comment that that poster concluded education was important, implying that people like you are I raised our kids on the TV and not giving a shit about academics.

Yes, this particular poster seems to think parents who don't plan for university (as if it's the only choice when leaving school/college and is the best path for everyone) are actually failing as parents and don't care about their children's education. It's really insulting.

Mumsnet can be a bit like that with all the comments about supporting children through uni as if it's the complete norm and everyone is able to do it, but I do understand that people are often just in their own bubble/headspace and aren't actually trying to make those who can't do the same feel crap. This poster has actively tried to make OP feel selfish and inferior for saying that supporting children through uni is not something she's planned yet.

If you cannot physically change the house/garage then surely all you can do is use the bedrooms as bedrooms ie one each for the children including the 3rd (or 3rd and 4th!) The work space need not cost too much Ive seen a couple of “Hully pods” appearing in hardens near us. I’ve mentioned the 3rd/4th because it happened to a colleague of mine 🤦🏼‍♀️ You do seem quite combative with some posters and sure that your finances will be unshakeable. In which case just start TTC and move earlier than the five years if need be.

Me trying to solve what I perceive as the OP's XY Problem doesn't justify people accusing me of saying things that I didn't say.

What kind of moral compass endorses lying about someone?

No I didn’t, it’s just not relevant. To my short term housing needs.

i said I couldn’t afford on my wages to pay £500 a month per child out on uni- IF they wanted We save for them but tbh I don’t think I’d encourage the use of that money to go away to uni just for the experience, esp if a degree that is more on the wishy washy doesn’t lend itself easily to a job or career. For that they can live at home rent free.

i said I have my one btl and do plan on scaling that up. You have dismissed that.

you have assumed I don’t have any savings. One can’t live in fear of potential job loss or you’d never do anything. Plus you don’t take it lying down, you get another job. I’ve been put at risk twice in my career and thrown everything into a job hunt and come out ok.

Best answer on here ^^^

Oh, please. Your implication was clear. Considering you have neither paid for university nor attended oxbridge nor been a parent I'm not sure why you think you are you in any way qualified to determine what OPs supposed problems are?

I did note your BTL, specifically when I said that purchasing a BTL in a uni town would be expensive.

Plus you don’t take it lying down, you get another job.

It took me eighteen months to find a job after graduating, partly because I didn't drive until over a year later. My first job after graduating didn't even use my degree but it used my car! (Driving tests are on my list of "things to possibly fund nephews and nieces through" for that reason.) It's not always easy to find another job. I currently live under the assumption that I could be made redundant with three months notice and then need at least another three months to get another job or contracting gig.

esp if a degree that is more on the wishy washy doesn’t lend itself easily to a job or career.

😆 👏 👍

I'm autistic. There is no such thing as "implication". If it's not on the page, I haven't said it.

'm not sure why you think you are you in any way qualified

I've worked in universities and seen the impacts of tuition fees, student housing costs, and student hardship, for over a decade. It's only getting pricier to study.

It’s not combative, ultimately everyone’s finances are shareable all you can do is plan to the best of your ability. It’s also a bit insulting when you keep on getting dragged over the same thing. If I’m saying, I believe I can afford it, you sort of have to take it at face value rather than try to find all the ways you (general sense) think I might be wrong or you can catch me out. At the very least it’s annoying

my Ability (including dh) includes;
working our way up at work, we’ve done well at this so far, and there is no reason to suggest this won’t continue. Redundancies happen but it doesn’t have to be a ‘death sentence’.
our BTL- our ambition is to turn one into several
savings- we save for ourselves and our children into stocks and shares ISAs
inheritance- I don’t really like to think about this. But it is there, but I don’t like it as it means my parents and DH’s will die. That’s not a pleasant thought.
childcare costs- we both have the opportunity to condense working hrs. There would be such a gap that we’d only be in one fee paying nursery. Which is the government funding stays in place, is free apart from lunch which is £6 a day. Extended clubs also £6 a day
activities: kids can do 2. I think this is fair
tuition: dh is very gifted at maths and I used to teach English so we are in a good place to support our kids. And can afford tuition for 11+

BUT i also believe it’s important for kids to work, when they are old enough, to understand that things aren’t just handed to them on a platter and what it takes to earn.
our industries also offer some very well paying graduate apprenticeship and grad schemes so that’s another thing we can help with.