Envy is everywhere

[Lentilweaver]

I don't know if anyone has felt this, but am sensing a deep envy in my immediate circle, between those who have less and those who have more. And then I come onto MN and half the posts are about posters not getting inheritance, or earnng less than they think they should, or not getting childcare from parents... It's so divisive and miserable.

I think it’s just tough because a lot of people have seen their standard of living drop in the last five years. We all hope that over time we get a bit more comfortable, we work hard to improve our jobs save up and earn promotions but in the last five years inflation and utility costs have made many people less well off than they were in 2018. It’s tough out there.

Proper problem arises when people think they are comparing upwards, but they are actually not.
I had comments on holidays from a colleague and I have pointed out after 3rd comment that she is on 7k more than me, her DH brought in 30k while mine's business has beeen hit and barely covered itself at that point and he was trying to save it. The only reason why we could travel abroad 3x a year on that wage was because I made sure all household could be carried on single NMW wage and everything else was extra, plus 1 was visiting my family🤷.
Comments did not fucking stop. "oh another trip? How the other half lives hihi". Imagine getting dissed for being financially literate and be able to do compromises.

Some envy, or rather anger, IS because of growing inequality. And people should be angry about that! But small portion of it is those people want everything but won't give up anything and then bitch at those who do.

I see it on here and was thinking this the other day, envy is a real issue for some people. As in a really significant problem.

it can be about money, weight, looks, home, anything. It highlights the person is not happy with whatever they have and they react in envy to those who they perceive to have more or better.

envy is not really an emotion I suffer from thankfully. I just simply don’t think that way. And so I am surprised when I see it on posts on here. Bitter, resentful or bitchy comments when someone has more. But it really is about the persons own unhappiness.

Sometimes just to acknowledge they're lucky.

Yep, get you, op. Comparison is the thief of joy. Everywhere, there are people with more or less and always will be. Current CoL crisis has made this more entrenched bit class divisions were much more obvious pre-1950s. I try to ignore and just focus on continuing in my own lane…but it is really tough not to be envious esp. with social media.

You want someone who has inherited, who has lost a loved one, to come up to you and say they are lucky?

I agree with you. Income and your love life should be kept private .

People can be very bitter and nasty .

This is why I no longer have friends . My family is enough for me . I have been called privileged and lucky but I'm not . I've worked hard and managed my money well . These are the same people calling me lucky who have smoked gambled and ate takeaway's everyday. Yes they worked too but made different choices. I haven't called them wasters . I just say nothing.

People are strange. DH was told how lucky he was to get compensation after a car accident. It was enough to pay off our mortgage because he will never be able to walk again without pain - his kneecap and hip were shattered by someone else's dangerous driving.

That isn't lucky.

The thread is not just about inheritance.

In any case, they are more lucky than someone who lost a loved one and did not inherit.

The issue here is you see these people as lucky. That does not mean they see themselves as lucky.

And I mean this politely. But you are not owed others making uou feel better about your own life. No one needs to acknowledge to you or anyone else they are lucky or not. If you envy them this is on you to resolve. Not them

I disagree. Some people are very lucky (eg those gifted their house deposits) and they should acknowledge it.
I'm talking in general terms, not so much about me personally.

Acknowledge it to who? You? You and no one else is entitled to that. The only person they should acknowledge it to is the giver if they are still alive. Maybe their kids. But not you. Or anyone else.

if you need something to make you feel better about your situation, then it is on you to find that. It isn’t their job to help you and your envy.

I think they should acknowledge their lucky. I'm not arguing this any more.

I'm reasonably happy with my life actually and in those areas where I am lucky, I acknowledge it.

I simply cannot comprehend what you’re saying. But sure. Any one wealth or given money or inheriting should walk around telling anyone who will listen they are lucky. Or anyone jealous.

But having DC is a choice you made. Some people don’t even get to make that choice. I was single and struggling for years. I had a friend who out-earned me by about 5x who moaned about how much her petrol/food/mortgage was. I pointed out to her that petrol and food don’t come with a discount for low earners and that my rent was still very expensive but I would have nothing to show for it.

I'm in a better financial position now but if I lose the job I have, I won’t get another one in the area I live in with such a decent wage. We (I have a DH now, he’s retired) can’t really afford to move anywhere with better opportunities as, even at top whack, our house won’t sell for as much to allow us to buy another in a better area. Don’t think we’d get a mortgage, DH is of state pension age (has a good private pension as he was a fairly high earner) and my credit isn’t brilliant due to years of low wage jobs and high bills.

My friend has a DC the same age as my DN. I find it horribly unfair that her DC will have better opportunities simply because they live in the SE and we’re in a town that’s always had high unemployment and poor social mobility/aspiration in the NW.

Some of the inheritance inequality comes down to choice though - my family are for several generations 1 or 2 children, so for generations different branches have inherited, sometimes significant amounts.

DH’s family are breeders! His parents had 4, and are both from 4 and 5 children, the generation above 6 - 9, and generation before than probably in the teens…they’ve not inherited much just due to sheer numbers of descendants.
It is what it is, and you do to an extent make your own luck!

Posts like these along with no amount of mortgage-free London houses or £100k bank accounts could make up for the loss of (Insert late relative).

Yes some rich people are very miserable but they have the benefit of not worrying about the one thing that causes colossal stress and worry - cost of living, being able to make it through the month, refraining from living in the red because long-term it's more expensive. This one colossal worry causes ill physical and mental health. Speaking of which, rich people can afford to spend their days reframing their woes in therapy, most average people cannot.

I think all in all it's less envy and more what quite a few posters have suggested the sheer inequality of it all.

There is definitely an undercurrent of envy/bitterness/anger on many threads these days. It makes me increasingly more reluctant to ever talk my own situation in real life. The other day I had to tell someone what my salary is and I felt uncomfortable, almost as if I felt the need to apologise or self deprecate in some way. Not that I'm a massively high earner by the way, just higher than average. I'd certainly never feel comfortable talking about inheritances etc.

I have areas where I'm lucky and areas where I'm not. I keep myself to myself more because:

1. People either treat everything as a competition.
2. People drag you down if you're doing well.
3. People boast and make you feel bad.

Exactly.
This is not simply inter personal there is a wider context here.

What’s even more depressing is the number of people who don’t understand the difference between envy and jealousy.

We have just bought a beautiful house and enrolled our child at the local private school.

A mum "friend" has nothing but snide comments at every opportunity. My husband and I earn well and work hard for it. We're not filthy rich and we're happy to miss out on things like frequent holidays, lots of clothes, expensive cars etc in order to send our child to private school. We are frugal, we had paid off the mortgage on the home we just sold and we own two vehicles outright, paid for in cash. We work hard and save hard.

She has to say things in a manner that belittle our achievements as though it's any of her business in the first place. It's pure envy through and through as they have a much bigger house than us but cannot afford private school fees, I imagine due to the cost of mortgage and upkeep on their house. She is very preoccupied with money and status. It's crass.

I avoid her now.

I think people have always been envious . Surely it's a human characteristic and perhaps a spur to ambition?

What's changed? Firstly more places to vent - like Mumsnet. Otherwise who would know? You'd have kept it to yourself.

Secondly, a generation of home owners (I'd say my parents were the first in their family ever who could buy a home and didn't rent). So inheritances have become a much more widespread thing and that 'trickle down' is now having an impact on a lot more people.

Honestly I think society has always been deeply unequal - look back a few generations - my grandad was born in the workhouse and previous generations were stuffed up chimneys. My dad left school at 14. We're deluded if we think inequality hasn't always been a thing. Maybe now we're just better educated, we can see it's deeply unfair but it's nothing new.

I wish I could say I was immune to it but, as someone who isn't going to get any inheritance and has some very wealthy friends, I feel envious because I would have liked to help my children out more. Best thing I can do for them is die early - care home fees did for my inheritance. But, as I say, surely it's just human - I am envious of people's figures, hair, dress sense, taste, it's not just money. But as long as I can contextualise it, keep it to myself and not make anyone uncomfortable and wish people well, it's just part of being a thinking person.

I earn average. My DP earns average. We are saving for a house so have some savings. I don't buy clothes, don't get nails done, rarely go out, have an old car, cheap phone and rarely get my hair cut so i am able to save ca.£500 a month and put a decent amount into a pension.
Do you see me as privileged as I have enough to save a bit
Do you see me as not as I have inherited nothing, worked hard and dont have my own home

Your own circumstances will probably dictate how you answer that