Husband gives too much to charity

[MissandeiofNaath]

Not sure where to put this; probably an AIBU but too scared of the bunfights on AIBU! Anyway, my Dh gives too much to charity.

We have been married a very long time, have a joint account, both work but he is by far the higher earner. We are comfortable but not super rich, and have cut back like everyone else. DH is an immigrant from a developing country, and is incredibly frugal. Spends almost nothing on himself, especially now he mostly WFH. But likes to donate quite a lot to charity in his home country, like say £2. to 2.5 k a year. He does not give it to the big charities, but to grassroot charities that he has checked out himself on his visits. He also donated to a school bursary in the UK.

I don't have a concern that the money is being wasted. But with two young adultDC, I feel that given the way the economy is going, we should save for them in case they need more help with house deposits etc etc. But he tends to nag away at me about "giving back" until I give in!

Should I just let him do what he wants with "his" money? He never complains about any of my spending, ever.

If it does come to a point where you need to cut back more and the charity donations are too high, perhaps come to a compromise where he/both of you do some volunteer work locally instead, or making donations of things rather than money ie. clothes, food drives etc.

OK...its still not your or my decision to make on how they define it though is it. If she feels they are struggling, then that should be discussed and how their finances are shared. All I said was that they should have a talk about it if she thinks it necessary and they can iron out how they both feel then, that's all.

You say he's a higher earner -- do you realise if he earns above a certain amount he will get tax savings for giving to charity, so basically he's giving money to needy people instead of to the government?

Obviously it depends on how it affects his family’s finances and this should be something they both discuss not he just doing what he wants.

Why? He donates from his personal money.

How is it his personal money? She already said they all spend from the same account.

Yes it is a noble gesture but they both need to be on the same page. They can find ways the work around it but my issue is he cannot just say he will do what he wants and doesn’t care if his wife agrees or not.

So you think it’s OK for a higher rate tax payer to have no personal money when he spends next to nothing on himself? Particularly when she spends on herself and he’s never complained? It would make sense for them to put an agreed amount into personal accounts and then nobody could object to how the other spends their money.

He mightn't be religious but it's great to see that he's giving back to his roots.

If it's not leaving you on your uppers going d for him.

My dh is similar to yours op. He feels a duty to give to charities and gives around £20k a year. In the Jewish faith you have to give a percentage of your earnings to charity.

My problem is the charities he gives to.. I would personally rather give it to animal charities!

I totally get your perspective. Helping your adult children with deposits seems much closer to home. In a ideal world they’d get a foot on the property ladder and one day have the same philanthropic tendencies as your husband.
In a marriage it’s not “his” money. I earn far more than my husband and I see it as “our” money.
could you speak to him about reducing the amount he sends, and ring-fencing the extra into a savings account. These savings could be held in case your kids need it for a deposit, and if it’s not needed then donating it to a grassroots charity is still an option, albeit at a later date.

You are very fortunate to be married to someone with his ethics OP. This is money he is saving by making sacrifices in his own life and is entitled to spend it where he sees its most needed. I don't suppose your DC are going without? But if its very important to you that they have more, could you live more frugally yourself and save for them from your own earnings?

Hi there, so culturally it may be part of his beliefs that he gives back and I personally think whatever the reason you should respect that. If he's checked out the charities and the money is being used well then I think you should let him spend his money how he wants especially because he sees he is already doing his duty helping to provide for the family and you mentioned he doesn't spend much money on himself. Just my thoughts.

I can see your point as my DH does so much to help other people especially the elderly - he was so lovely to both my grandparents and no they are no longer with us he loves helping out elderly neighbours............. but he does this sometimes to the detriment of his own family. He thinks myself and the kids are selfish if we want him to spend a day with us or pick my DD's up from a party. He has been known to miss school plays and will never go on holiday for more than a couple of days because he is needed by the elderly folk . People think he is such a lovely selfless chap because he loves helping others and I HATE saying it but he but he puts others before his own family sometimes. All activities fall on me because he is too busy with the elderly neighbours and his argument is if i need him or ask him to help get one of the children to an activity or a party that no they shouldn't be going out because said elderly relative can't go out anymore!!! So if your H's charity donations on impacting on his own family then I think that is selfish.

Because it is. That doesn't mean to say you need to be of a different culture to give to charity.

She never said he was higher a rate earner, she said he was the higher earner in the family. Are you suggesting that only his view matters since he earns more than her?

She also never said she spends a lot on herself, they are both frugal and she spends less than £200 a month on herself, you’ve made so many false assumptions here.

My point still stands they both need to be on the same page, he does not get to do what he wants simply because he is the higher earner.

They need to go through their finances and agree an amount they are both comfortable with, and it also depends on their other goals, plans and priorities. He dross not get to unanimously decide that the charities is his priority.

And she never confirmed how much they earn so we do not know how much of their income the £2k is. As she said in her 3rd post they always talk about any big spends and this sounds like a bit spend based on her post and concern. If they earned £100k or more etc then yeah £2k is not a big deal, but we do not know how much they earn.

Are you suggesting that only his view matters since he earns more than her?

No. I’m suggesting he should have some money of his own that he can spend exactly as he chooses.

I think it's a shame there aren't more people like him.

Look at that dreadfully boastful post last week where a woman wanted Mumsnet to admire her new designer handbag, positioned alongside champagne and oysters. At least he's not shallow and wasting money on showing off and materialistic nonsense.

I do understand your feelings of concern though OP. I worry constantly about money, but in reality I know compared to many that I am lucky, and thats why I give what I can to charity. Yes I could put that money aside as a nest egg or in my pension and possibly should, but I know there is a greater need elsewhere. Perhaps your husband feels similar,

I would be sooo proud of him! Thank goodness for generous people like your DH.

As long as the "admin" or "CEO" of the charities are not raking it in ( trust me - Ive investigated LOTS of charity frauds and have see money spent not on good causes) then I guess if he doesnt spend money elsewhere its up to him. Id personally be saving it for my children though.

He might culturally feel required to give to charity - is it part of his religion? Pretty hard to argue with that.

There might also be a tax benefit if he's the higher earner. My DH is giving a large amount to charity this year as an additional work payment puts him into a higher tax bracket which would mean we lose our 30 hours free childcare.

Whatever the reason... please pick your battles. There are far worse values he could have and far worse things he could be doing with his money.

It’s admirable to give to charity. However I always think the phrase “charity begins at home” is very true. You need to look after yourself and your children/family first. Then others. Partly because if you don’t your family could end up needing the support of charity or the government which is then counterproductive. I also have a very strong value that you should try to leave your kids in a better position than you if you can. Give them a leg up.

I have to agree with the majority.
He sounds like an admirable man.
Can you think of it as his 'personal spending money', as he is very, very frugal on what he spends on himself ?

I find it very interesting how many people on this and an earlier thread this week seem to believe you should only give to your own family.

It's your right. But we all know some people don't have family. Lots of people don't have loving families, or families that can afford to help them.

We have a responsibility to our children. It seems right to help those nearest to us if they are in hardship, so I would prioritise family there too.

But I find the idea of everyone just sticking to their own family interests after that dreadfully depressing. Rich get richer. Poor get poorer. Gap between haves and have nots widens.

I think we all benefit when people open their eyes and look beyond their families too. Unequal societies are unhappy and unhealthy. We are going further and further down that road.

Omg ,so many replies. I am sorry I didn't come back. Was busy with work.

Thanks for all the replies. I have decided to be pick my battles and be ok with this, though we are discussing further on the weekend. I think we can ringfence for our DC as well. Thinking of it as only £200 pm also makes me feel better, and that is less than 10% of our income. I also realised he could be sending this to his family ( which I wouldn''t object to).

I think I am getting overly anxious because everything seems to be going up,and parents appear to be expected to do more for DC( So many posts on MN about inheritance lately). In re me trying to earn more, I earn less because I am younger, took time off to be a SAHM and generally do more housework as I work in a less busy job. DH has not ever expressed any dissatisfaction with what I earn, or even with our joint account. We are mostly entirely on the same page and uninterested. He does love to travel though, so I asked him if he wanted to use it for a long planned trip to Japan, but he said he will go when he retires in about 3 years, so I guess this is more important to him.

It's not a religious thing at all though. He only gives to secular charities, mostly educational iniatives, which I agree with.

I totally get where you are coming from and I would also be thinking about my DCs. But I think what he is doing is also really admirable and kindhearted. By giving to grassroots charities this is going to have such a big impact and you should be really proud of him. Lots of love and good karma to your whole family OP