Husband gives too much to charity

[MissandeiofNaath]

Not sure where to put this; probably an AIBU but too scared of the bunfights on AIBU! Anyway, my Dh gives too much to charity.

We have been married a very long time, have a joint account, both work but he is by far the higher earner. We are comfortable but not super rich, and have cut back like everyone else. DH is an immigrant from a developing country, and is incredibly frugal. Spends almost nothing on himself, especially now he mostly WFH. But likes to donate quite a lot to charity in his home country, like say £2. to 2.5 k a year. He does not give it to the big charities, but to grassroot charities that he has checked out himself on his visits. He also donated to a school bursary in the UK.

I don't have a concern that the money is being wasted. But with two young adultDC, I feel that given the way the economy is going, we should save for them in case they need more help with house deposits etc etc. But he tends to nag away at me about "giving back" until I give in!

Should I just let him do what he wants with "his" money? He never complains about any of my spending, ever.

This is really sad. Giving to charity is a kind and generous thing to do, as long as you aren't leaving your own family seriously lacking.

As PP said, some people give a lot more away as part of their religious practice or for philanthropic reasons.

Also if it's gift aided you can offset it against tax and potentially get a bit back from HMRC.

What’s your problem? You’re being really rude now.

OP I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time from some posters. It’s fair enough to be thinking about how you provide for your family’s future first and foremost. I think it depends on how you organise the family finances. If you both have a set (equal) amount of spending money a month to use at your discretion and it’s coming from his then no question, it’s his to spend. If it’s coming out of one big family pot it’s not his money it’s the family money and you both have to agree to the spend. It does sound very important to him though and it will be making an impact.

Your adult children have already had the advantages of a well off, 2 parent household to guide them. He is fully aware he is lucky that he is in this position, and May of his countrymen are not. As others have said, it also depends on his wage, but you've stated it's a good one, and he never spends on himself- I'd imagine if he did lunches, coffees, etc it would equate to mor3 than that a year. Your kids aren't entitled to your wealth, and given it's about 200 a month, when he does spend anything else much, I couldn't begrudge it

I think he should be allowed to use his disposable income however he likes tbh

If he doesn't buy much for himself and is quite frugal then it's quite easy to see this money that is going to charities is money that others might spend on coffee shops, new clothes and meals out.

It's not like he's spending on himself as well as giving money away. It's quite admirable really.

If you want 2k to save for your children then why don't you cut 2k from your own spending?

Wow. I can't believe that you'd resent someone for this. Is this a reverse?

If you're for real, you need to give your head a good wobble. Your dh has a social conscience and he wants to help people who are living in poverty in his home country. That is perfectly reasonable, even if you don't give a shit about anyone outside your own family - you don't get to dictate what he does with his money. Given that he is the higher earner, your kids are adults and he doesn't spend much on himself, you really have no right to complain.

If you really want more stuff for yourself or for your adult kids, then work out how you can earn more to be able to do that. Get a second job if it's really important to you.

Would you object if he had a hobby or interest that he spent £2.5k on a year?

If he was spending tons on himself, was in debt and wanting to give money away I could understand your issue, but this is the thing that makes him feel good, so why should he be frugal and selfish when he doesn't want or need to be?

Reframe it as the thing he does that makes him happy and be glad you have a husband who shows compassion for those who are not as well off.

Ok so general opinion I should give my head a wobble. Fair enough. To answer some questions:

We are actually from the same culture- I should have said I share it- but I am third gen while he is first. But yes, he does feel like he has made it, and many others haven't.
He is not religious at all. We are both atheists.
We are both very frugal and generally on the same page on money. I probaly spend less than £200 pm on myself now as I too mostly WFH, so no need for nice clothes or beauty treatments.

I suppose £200 pm is not much when you look at it, and we can definitely afford it. He doesn't send any money to his family. They don't need it.

I have just been feeling very anxious about the recession and the prospects for young people, especially in London. Maybe that is my problem though. I should stop reading the papers for a bit, perhaps.

We don't really have a my money your money arrangement. We just use the same account and if there are big spends, we discuss it. So this was him discussing it.

DC are young adults and still dependent on us, but doing summer jobs to earn money.

God people are wankers on here, and completely disingenuous a lot of the time.

£2.5k is a lot of money a year, is he spending equal/more on your children? Or does he expect them to sink or swim with no help? Personally I would expect him to support his own family first and then look at what is spare after that.

wow, you married the most amazing human being who knows where he came from, still provides you with a nice life and you are begrudging something which is so commendable....

@MarnieMarnie He does spend equal on our DC at the moment. But I have been looking at the parents of adult children board, and terrified at the number of people still living with their grown up children! And DC expecting inheritance.

All that said, I think donating really makes him happy, so maybe I will just stop pushing on this. I haven't said a definite no, and we haven't fought over it ever. I am just mulling. And yes, he has no other expensive hobbies. Doesn't even drink.

Itscatsallthewaydown · Today 07:36

It always surprises me about MN that posters marry people from other cultures, and then are surprised that they have different cultural values. Do you not discuss this kind of stuff beforehand, as it always seems to be a huge surprise?

or when you are from another culture and try to say something here and you the eyes rolling

I think we should do it though because we bring refreshing genes into the pool, refreshing opinions and refreshing joy

He hardly ever spends anything on himself, but he gives to reputable charities. I admire that.

Can you not just have an agreement where he either matches the money he's giving to charity into an account for his children when they are older or at least half? Of course you would need to contribute an amount too?

Are you saving for your kids as well as giving to charity?

It's great to give to charity and obviously important to your husband, but you need to have your own safety nets in place and your futures secure. In a way if you do this first, then you'd be able to give MORE to charity down the line.

Maybe you could look at something like Dave Ramsey's baby steps. It's American so doesn't directly translate but might be useful as a conversation starter.

They are something like 1) starter emergency fund 2) clear debts 3) fully funded emergency fund 4) retirement savings 5) uni savings / equivalent 6) pay off your home 7) build wealth and give. He advocates frugal living and financially savvy decisions through the earlier stages in order to get to number 7.

I think it's fine. To be honest I'm an adult who doesn't own a home and have never received financial help from parents. I wouldn't begrudge someone worse off than me getting help.

That might be your personal opinion, but it doesn't mean that it's the only valid way of looking at it.

Perhaps, having grown up in a country where poverty is rife, the OP's DP looks at his own kids and the privileged start in life that they've had, and he feels obliged to do what he can for kids who have not had such good fortune. My dh is exactly the same and I respect him for it... as does my dd, who recognises how incredibly lucky she is.

If you are comfortably off that sounds a fine amount.

It’s fair to keep it under review, but it’s also fair to take the view you have educated your kids to find well paid work, so you’d rather donate a bit to charity rather than give it to them.

if you think he’s spending more than his 50% of your family money, then negotiate it down if you want to.

He is giving out of kindness and I value that very greatly, but of course it could be excessive depending on how much it is relative to your incomes. I know lots of people who try to donate 10% of their income.

DH is also a soft touch. He donates everytime a story touches him. This is on top of the monthly direct debit donations.

There are really worse things he can spend his money on.

@MissandeiofNaath I give thousands of pounds away on a regular basis as well as direct debits to three other charities, all close to my heart! have done this for years but sadly looks like i will need to call a halt soon because my pension is not going nearly as far as it did before. everyone should be doing this!

Should I just let him do what he wants with "his" money?

Yes.

It’s not a waste of money!!! It’s his money he can do as he chooses. Also your kids are young adults so shouldn’t be that financially reliant on you anyway.

I would save that money for my kids instead of giving it to charity for sure. It’s easy for posters on here to say that he’s kind etc (he probably is) and you need to give your head a wobble - but in reality, the majority of people would put their kids first. It’s hard to get on the property ladder, to pay for uni, to learn to drive - being a young adult is hugely expensive. I’d make sure I’d got my kids well on their way before giving that much charity. I do give to charity every month, just not at the scale your dh does!

Young adults are most definitely financially reliant on parents. Have you see how much uni costs? Driving lessons? House deposit? People like to say they should be independent, but it’s not how it is in reality. Very young adults are still dependant.